May we know the reason why..? It might help us to see things from differrent perspective and not take it personally..
Freida
MyPTSD Pro
LOL yep - been there, done that! Nothing better than the sound of take off to make you feel better about the train wreck that is life.
For me it's all about escaping from emotions. I get overwhelmed and my only response is flight. I think the hardest part for supporters is that there is no reasoning behind it - it's a totally automatic process. Even I can't tell you why I run - I just do. The panic sets in, everyone is a danger and POOF! I'm gone.
Hubby and I didn't know I had ptsd for many, many years. We just knew that I randomly bailed so we had to come up with ground rules that made us both happy (or less unhappy.) Things like I have to call once a day to tell him I'm safe, give him an idea of where I am, agree to come home within a specific amount of time, blah blah. And he's not allowed to dump a bunch of guilt on me for taking off, or get all emotional and tell me to come back or try to make me promise not to do it again or blah blah blah.
One thing to think about is that I was like that when hubby and I first met and he had to adapt if we were going to stay together because it was my baseline coping skill. There was no way I could change it, even if I wanted to. It was going to take YEARS of therapy before I could start to learn new ones. Even now it's still my go to, but I can usually hit the pause button before it gets bad. Hubby has gotten to where he sees the warning signs before I do - usually involving me making plans for a one way trip or to sell the house or learning a foreign language or some such nonsense. I even have dates marked on the calendar for my "scheduled run away" when I know things are going to go to hell
And ya - it sucks for both of us. But - this is life with ptsd. This is how we many of us live, right on the edge. It doesn't take much to shove us over into panic mode and we disappear. Because it's just easier that way.
- Thread starter
- #15
J
JCS
It's funny (not actually funny) you guys say all this about running away. In hindsight, this isn't the first time this happened, just a much less extreme version. She once was coming off a certain drug and it was very very hard on her, withdraws, all that. I did my best to see if she needed anything, I would show up sometimes with treats. She would open the door and be visibly confused, and that hurt me as I was like HEY I'M JUST TRYNA BE SUPPORTIVE DUDE. ( She still ate the donuts and coffee though :D )
That seemed to just push her away.
It lasted almost 3 months. tbh we barely even spoke, maybe once a day through messenger during that time. God love her, she would try her best. She would get all dressed up looking scrumptious and show up to my house, only to throw up an hour later and INSIST on going home.
It was to the point I just assumed she wanted to end things with me. I even thought about ending it myself. Keep in mind this was after the suicide attempt. Once every few weeks I would have to call my buddy to get him to talk me off the metaphorical ledge, as I was in my car ready to just drive to her house. Not in a crazy way, more in a " ok shes obviously sick, and I haven't heard from her in 30 hours." And then one day out of the blue I got a message " I am finally feeling like myself, do you think you could pick me up? " I saved that message and still read it sometimes.
I guess being blocked and such shouldn't surprise me. I'm really beating myself up over not being a better, calmer more understanding partner. But I've also come to realize that I don't know what I don't know. Sure I knew she had trauma and CPTSD but she wouldn't ever speak about it. She would make comments rarely if I did something that she didn't like " I don't want our kids to grow up that way. " And to be fair to her we did have a few talks about me getting frustrated and in hindsight I ABSOLUTELY should've taken those comments much more seriously, But if she is unable to effectively communicate " You scare and trigger me when you do X, Y, Z " until we literally break up, I don't think I should shoulder that burden.
Not to say it's her fault, its just...a thing that happened. Thank you all for your replies. I still dream about her, and I still think of her probably a hundred times a day. But I think it's very important during this time to respect the obvious boundary. I've thought of doing all the wild shit you see on TV, hand written note addressed to her house etc. But I think that only works in the movies.
I've definitely been struggling with the 'whiplash' in a sense. I know for an undisputed fact she was out of this world attracted to me physically, and she always wanted my input on things, and to just listen. It's really hard to wrap my head around the fact that less than a few months later, I'm blocked and essentially erased from memory. She loves my cat more than I do!! He's an awesome little cat, but she ADORED him. Even if she has to forget me, I hope she doesn't forget him. He's innocent in all this! lol. So it's hard to wrap my brain around the fact that it's possible that everything we gave each other, me and my cat, my friends and everything I stood for are just erased from her memory.
I don't mind saying that I'm proud of myself. For everything I did wrong in that relationship, I did a lot right. You're right, a lot of people would've run for the hills after the attempt. To me it just pushed me closer to her. In that moment of life and death, she called ME. I was there for her. And I would be goddamned if I left when she needed me most. We held each other for DAYS after that, and she said I made her feel so safe. Even though looking back on it, I was a chaotic mess. She called me and not the ambulance so I rushed to her house, I was yelling and shaking. Maybe not a good look, especially given her history. But it was a legitimate impulse I was so scared my teeth were chattering. I remember running into the hospital ER holding her hand and I physically couldn't hold her hand I was shaking so much. It wasn't even cold out but my body felt so cold and my mind was blank. I just kept thinking " This is it. This is how the fairy tale ends." And like I said, if that had happened, there was no way in hell I was leaving her. I would've held her hand until the last breath. So yeah, I'm proud of myself for that.
I'm also so fricking proud of her from afar. She's actually getting the help. She's in trauma therapy as stated, and as far as I know she's doubled up to take 1 on 1 therapy, to help with the fallout of the trauma therapy.
I do hope, as selfish as it is that she still thinks of me. I really wish I didn't have this fricking ADD. Not being able to " change the channel " makes this a lot harder than I feel it should be. Of course, relationships end and that's really hard on anyone. But I'm typing this through tears, and its been 70 days since we split up. It makes me feel embarrassed, and I wish I could just step out of my brain sometimes.
I probably sound like I'm making this out to be about me, I don't intend for it to come across that way.
I think giving her ample space and accepting the boundary is the only way for A) me to move forward, and B) ANY (no matter how small) hope of a message from her one day.
It would be cool if the real world was like a bad TV show though eh? One hand written note and BOOM roll credits. :p
You guys are genuinely saving my life throughout this. I never ( and to be totally frank still don't ) pictured a life without her. But I know that even though I made a lot of mistakes, I think that this one is more than me. You know?
(have you guys noticed my ADD yet? We loveeeee to ramble hahaha)
Love you guys. <3
That seemed to just push her away.
It lasted almost 3 months. tbh we barely even spoke, maybe once a day through messenger during that time. God love her, she would try her best. She would get all dressed up looking scrumptious and show up to my house, only to throw up an hour later and INSIST on going home.
It was to the point I just assumed she wanted to end things with me. I even thought about ending it myself. Keep in mind this was after the suicide attempt. Once every few weeks I would have to call my buddy to get him to talk me off the metaphorical ledge, as I was in my car ready to just drive to her house. Not in a crazy way, more in a " ok shes obviously sick, and I haven't heard from her in 30 hours." And then one day out of the blue I got a message " I am finally feeling like myself, do you think you could pick me up? " I saved that message and still read it sometimes.
I guess being blocked and such shouldn't surprise me. I'm really beating myself up over not being a better, calmer more understanding partner. But I've also come to realize that I don't know what I don't know. Sure I knew she had trauma and CPTSD but she wouldn't ever speak about it. She would make comments rarely if I did something that she didn't like " I don't want our kids to grow up that way. " And to be fair to her we did have a few talks about me getting frustrated and in hindsight I ABSOLUTELY should've taken those comments much more seriously, But if she is unable to effectively communicate " You scare and trigger me when you do X, Y, Z " until we literally break up, I don't think I should shoulder that burden.
Not to say it's her fault, its just...a thing that happened. Thank you all for your replies. I still dream about her, and I still think of her probably a hundred times a day. But I think it's very important during this time to respect the obvious boundary. I've thought of doing all the wild shit you see on TV, hand written note addressed to her house etc. But I think that only works in the movies.
I've definitely been struggling with the 'whiplash' in a sense. I know for an undisputed fact she was out of this world attracted to me physically, and she always wanted my input on things, and to just listen. It's really hard to wrap my head around the fact that less than a few months later, I'm blocked and essentially erased from memory. She loves my cat more than I do!! He's an awesome little cat, but she ADORED him. Even if she has to forget me, I hope she doesn't forget him. He's innocent in all this! lol. So it's hard to wrap my brain around the fact that it's possible that everything we gave each other, me and my cat, my friends and everything I stood for are just erased from her memory.
I don't mind saying that I'm proud of myself. For everything I did wrong in that relationship, I did a lot right. You're right, a lot of people would've run for the hills after the attempt. To me it just pushed me closer to her. In that moment of life and death, she called ME. I was there for her. And I would be goddamned if I left when she needed me most. We held each other for DAYS after that, and she said I made her feel so safe. Even though looking back on it, I was a chaotic mess. She called me and not the ambulance so I rushed to her house, I was yelling and shaking. Maybe not a good look, especially given her history. But it was a legitimate impulse I was so scared my teeth were chattering. I remember running into the hospital ER holding her hand and I physically couldn't hold her hand I was shaking so much. It wasn't even cold out but my body felt so cold and my mind was blank. I just kept thinking " This is it. This is how the fairy tale ends." And like I said, if that had happened, there was no way in hell I was leaving her. I would've held her hand until the last breath. So yeah, I'm proud of myself for that.
I'm also so fricking proud of her from afar. She's actually getting the help. She's in trauma therapy as stated, and as far as I know she's doubled up to take 1 on 1 therapy, to help with the fallout of the trauma therapy.
I do hope, as selfish as it is that she still thinks of me. I really wish I didn't have this fricking ADD. Not being able to " change the channel " makes this a lot harder than I feel it should be. Of course, relationships end and that's really hard on anyone. But I'm typing this through tears, and its been 70 days since we split up. It makes me feel embarrassed, and I wish I could just step out of my brain sometimes.
I probably sound like I'm making this out to be about me, I don't intend for it to come across that way.
I think giving her ample space and accepting the boundary is the only way for A) me to move forward, and B) ANY (no matter how small) hope of a message from her one day.
It would be cool if the real world was like a bad TV show though eh? One hand written note and BOOM roll credits. :p
You guys are genuinely saving my life throughout this. I never ( and to be totally frank still don't ) pictured a life without her. But I know that even though I made a lot of mistakes, I think that this one is more than me. You know?
(have you guys noticed my ADD yet? We loveeeee to ramble hahaha)
Love you guys. <3
Ah i see.
Yeah i guess people respond in a different ways when they got hurt or feel overwhelmed. Looking back, I've reacted in a similar way (avoiding people, failed relationship, strong urge to runaway and escape) Not to the point i move out to another country tho :p (even tho i gotta admit sometimes on my mind i wished i could go/runaway that far).
Thanks for the explanation :)
Yeah.. from what I read (i tried to read lots of articles and from people posting here), they find it's very difficult to open up and to trust people. We might gained their trust bit by bit, but when we said something contradictive even tho we do not have intention to lie or to mislead, they might question everything and are we trustworthy enough. It would be such a huge setback.
Also, for us.. it feels like we are walking on eggshells not wanting to trigger them. For me, i learned that he got triggered if he assumed im angry or upset.. so i tried my best to repress my feelings and not showing any negative emotions (not only anger but also sad, dissapointment.. as i didnt want him to take it wrongly as anger and rage or sulky behaviour). It doesnt take long until i feel burn out and drained and frustrated
Friday
Moderator
Lol… No worries! I figured it was something like that. 😉
Some people cut their hair, or join a gym, or buy a new wardrobe, or paint their kitchen, take a spa weekend, road-trip, or whatever. Just one shiny new thing in their lives makes them feel good, feel free, propels them forward, all cathartic & self confident & shit.
I just happen to be a wee bit of an extremist (all or nothing), and tend to change everything, right down to the air I’m breathing and streets I’m walking, the music in the air, the language in my ears, sunshine and snowfall, babbling street vendors or streams, the color of the dust, the taste of rain, ultra urban or back of beyond… for that same end result. New people, new places, new everything. All cathartic, and self confident, and shit. Propelled forward, feeling free and alive and good.
Side benefit? Totally nixes the drama 😉 On both sides. New beginnings.
As it may surprise you, but I remained friends with most of my exes for years, and a few for decades.
Most of the people I dated, however, were not civilians… but people who understand that lifestyle… who knew that the only reason we were in the same place was because we were together. Once we were no longer together? There was nothing keeping either of us there.
Cha. I don’t do “trapped” well.
Friday
Moderator
I might should add ^^^ this ^^^ is not my version/definition of ghosting. Which I’ve also done, rarely with people I’m dating-dating, but often with people I’ve been having a fling with or might could have started a relationship with, f*ckbuddies, and friends.
The above, breaking up and leaving the country, I actually break up with the person I’m with, quit my job, pack out, kiss my friends goodbye, and strike off. It usually takes me a day -sometimes as many as two or three days, sometimes as little as a few hours- to sort shit, and then I’m gone.
When I’m ghosting? I stop in the middle of whatever I’m doing (stand up and leave the table in a cafe, after ordering, but before my food comes -or between one bite and the next- level of “in the middle”), and simply walk away. Get on a train, plane, boat, whatever… with what I have on me. Leaving lofts, lovers, jobs, friends, all without a word.
It took me YEARS to learn I didn’t have to walk away from my life whenever the thought struck me. Ditto, that my emotions shutting off didn’t mean I was obligated to break up with the person I was with. In both instances? I could take a vacation, instead. Prepared for the eventuality, I could build my life in such a way that I could leave… for a little while… and. come. back. My life still intact.
But it did take me years to learn that. I can’t even begin to count the number of lives I’ve walked away from (or waffle makers I’ve bought).
So my leaving the country? After tying up all my loose ends, job references, friendships, property, etc. all intact? Is a ginormous step “up” from when I simply walked away from it all. As was my learning to take breaks, rather than starting over.
The first bit “change everything” is very much a combo of personality+PTSD. The second two? Were me running feral, operating on pure instinct, and is almost entirely PTSD based.
The above, breaking up and leaving the country, I actually break up with the person I’m with, quit my job, pack out, kiss my friends goodbye, and strike off. It usually takes me a day -sometimes as many as two or three days, sometimes as little as a few hours- to sort shit, and then I’m gone.
When I’m ghosting? I stop in the middle of whatever I’m doing (stand up and leave the table in a cafe, after ordering, but before my food comes -or between one bite and the next- level of “in the middle”), and simply walk away. Get on a train, plane, boat, whatever… with what I have on me. Leaving lofts, lovers, jobs, friends, all without a word.
It took me YEARS to learn I didn’t have to walk away from my life whenever the thought struck me. Ditto, that my emotions shutting off didn’t mean I was obligated to break up with the person I was with. In both instances? I could take a vacation, instead. Prepared for the eventuality, I could build my life in such a way that I could leave… for a little while… and. come. back. My life still intact.
But it did take me years to learn that. I can’t even begin to count the number of lives I’ve walked away from (or waffle makers I’ve bought).
So my leaving the country? After tying up all my loose ends, job references, friendships, property, etc. all intact? Is a ginormous step “up” from when I simply walked away from it all. As was my learning to take breaks, rather than starting over.
The first bit “change everything” is very much a combo of personality+PTSD. The second two? Were me running feral, operating on pure instinct, and is almost entirely PTSD based.
Freida
MyPTSD Pro
One of my proudest moments in therapy is when I dismantled my GoBag. I had everything in there that I would need for a new life, from cash to resumes to clothes. Taking it apart was extremely hard, but it also showed that running didn't have to mean starting over
You should be! You handled this whole thing well, all while not being totally sure of what was going on. Just coming here to ask questions showed an amazing commitment to understanding what went wrong. I'm sad for you, but also pretty impressed.
- Thread starter
- #21
J
JCS
Thank you Freida, that makes me feel really good. I did my best, and I know he did too. A piece of me will always love her. Maybe a lot of pieces. But as cliche as it is, I shouldn't want someone who doesn't want me. Maybe all this space is best for us, right now.
I'm going to start doubling up on my therapy, and start looking out for myself. I applied to school for software development last week! Hopefully I get in.
The days are still really dark. And to be honest I'm sure it's the same for her. I really struggle with not knowing how she's feeling or what she's doing, but I've already spoke about all that so no use in repeating it.
Thanks again guys.
One of the best ways I ever heard trauma or ptsd described for me was your world starts shrinking due to the choices made, avoidance, often without even realizing the trauma is having that influence all the while; for one thing you deny and ignore and explain away it's influence. Then one day you are shocked to realize how narrow it's become.
I'm so sorry it worked out that way.
I'm so sorry it worked out that way.
Maximus
Learning
Being a person with CPTSD there were many times I abruptly blocked someone and cut off relationships when I was triggered. The owner of this forum has an amazing explanation on CPTSD. See if you can locate it on this site. You will have much more insight. It took a long time for me to clue into disregulation and how to handle it. Best to you. I am sorry you are having to grieve this loss.
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