Ghostybear's Diary

[Ghostybear73]

My son’s father seemed so perfect. He had a good job, a great personality and good looks. He took notice of me the first day I was the manager. I was only 17 and no one told me at we had an armed courier service that handles the money. I’ll never forget that first day. I just stared at him and he said, “so you’re the new manager”. I told him yes and again just started at him. He finally told me he was there for the money. I must have looked something special as I just stood there, thinking, ‘why would I give him the money’. Someone should have told me that part of the job, since it has to do with the restaurants money, right?

After a month or so of talking with him when he came in to pick up the money for deposit, he asked me out. I knew at that point he had no idea how old I was and it would be wrong for me not to say something. I mean, how many 17 year olds are running a restaurant? After I told him, he was a little shocked and I laughed and told him to go away and I’d see him tomorrow when he picks up the money. We seemed to have a good relationship, figured why not stay friends. About a month later he asked me when I was turning 18 and I told him. He said he would like to still go out with me, but as friends until my birthday. Seemed so sweet at the time.

I found out he was a heavy drinker about 6 months or so into our relationship, talk about having blinders on. He would drink with his buddies and then ride home on his motorcycle through the pass. I got a little upset and told him how dangerous that was. Of course, he didn’t think he had a problem.

I started working at another job where we didn’t have a courier and one night I was robbed at gunpoint bringing the money out of the restaurant. A week and a half later, I was robbed at gunpoint again. I was told that my employee had to drive around the building before I went out the door. We did that for about a month and got lazy, I guess. Again, robbed at gunpoint and I quit my job. Chris (my son’s dad) asked me to move in with him. He bought a house with his brother and sister and they were not happy with his decision making. I guess he didn’t think to ask them if it was okay. They really made my life difficult, but I dealt with it, never thinking that I now didn’t have my own place to retreat to. Since I had so much sexual abuse in the past, I didn’t think it to abnormal to have sex even when I really didn’t want to. I got pregnant with my son at 18 and a half.

His siblings made a big deal about how I got pregnant just so he would marry me, which never happened. They left and I guess the stress of having a baby and the financial burden of paying for the house was just too much. He got drunk one night with his friends, came home and totally lost it. He was accusing me of sleeping around and he got violent with me. He ended up losing his job because of his drinking and things got much worse. I have scars on my arm from him throwing me into a tree when I was 6 months pregnant, healed fractures from him breaking my fingers and the list goes on. He went to truck driving school and became an over the road truck driver. It was the truly a blessing because he would be gone for 3 weeks out of the month.

After I had my son, things got yet again worse. I started having anxiety issues a day before he came home because I knew there would be something for him to yell at me for. Once, I got beat because one of the pictures were not in its place. Most of the time it was his insecurity of me having sexual relations with others, which I never had.

I finally moved out and got a place of my own and when he got home and realized Steven and I were gone, he hunted us down. He convinced me that he changed and I let him moved in with me. Then he found another reason to beat me. When he left for work, I would find another place to live, move out and he would hunt me down and threaten me until I let him back. This got a little old, but I kept on allowing it out of fear. I finally got a restraining order when he was gone because I needed a way to protect my son and I when he came back again. This is what I learned: A restraining order is just a piece of paper, not a magical wand that prevents a person from showing up. When my son was 5, his dad went after him for trying to protect me and I knew I had to get out there for good.

I only had one place to go because he wouldn’t let me have friends; my mother’s place. She was mentally disabled from all the drugs and her mind was that of a 10 year old most often than not. My brother was in jail, so I figured it was my only option. Sometimes I look back and wonder where my mind was at. My son had already been through enough and now I take him half way across the country to Colorado (we lived in California) where I began Phase 4 of my life.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm just wondering if you want all your phases in one place as right now you've started them in different threads, the last one being in a trauma diary. I think you can ask a mod to merge them.

 

[Ghostybear73]

Yeah, I tried having them moved originally to my private diary and was told by Anthony that they don't move them once they are posted. We talked about it and I decided to conquer my fears and repost this after deleting it last week.

I also decided be totally random. Who knows where Phase 4 will end up. I have not gone into a full blown panic attack yet, so I think trying to have a little fun with it may be working. We shall see how I react when I post the next phase of my life.

:-)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Congratulations on starting your diary. :)

 

[Ghostybear73]

Thank you. I have finished the roughest 3 phases. Although the next one was rough as well, I think it will be easier to write now that I'm almost to the end.

:D

 

[Ghostybear73]

Phase 4

I cheated and combined phase 4 with where I am today so I don't have to write anymore after this. I’m tired of hashing out these phases of my life, but if it is going to help, then so be it. This phase may be a little confusing if you haven’t read the other three. Telling my story is supposed to be for my benefit so if I’m confusing or all over the place, I apologize.

I moved in with my mother until I could get on my feet. Yes the same mother whom you will find allowed a lot of things to happen in my youth as noted in the previous phases in my life. Things were going okay, my mother was on a lot of mental health medications because of the drug use and for the most part she was just a pain. After two or three weeks, she started to show her true colors again. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which is a common diagnose to those who have abused drugs in the past because it mimics the same symptoms. One day she kicked the dog outside, came back in and picked up her water bowl and threw it outside, then came in and picked up her food bowl and threw it outside (nothing stayed in the bowls of course). When she came back in, she grabbed the remote, him my son in the head with it and told him that if he didn’t start behaving, he would be next to get thrown out. That of course was it. I went to every place I could to get help until I got a job, which happened to be the same week.

Within that same week, we got an apartment. It didn’t have anything in it, but it was better than the alternative. Things were going pretty good for a while until my brother was let out of prison. Why does it not surprise me that he learned how to get into locked doors while in prison. One day, I came home and he was making meth in my kitchen. I was so freaking shocked about it that it didn’t even occur to me that he broke into my house. We got into a fight and I took my son and left. I know it sounds crazy to leave my own place, but I had my son with me and I was going for safe. Sometimes you get stuck in a situation that seems impossible to get out of and since the threat of killing me was out on the table again, I dealt. At this point I had nowhere to go and I started making bad decisions. He broke in and stole my car, then wrecked it and I covered for him. I got another car and I let him use it because I knew he would find a way to hotwire it and take it anyways. He wrecked that one too. I got to a point where I started getting an attitude and one day after he insisted I give him my car, I said no. Battered and bruised, I took him where he wanted to go and did not heed his words to stay until he came back. I fled to my house with my son and called the police. When he showed up at my place, he was arrested.

For the next couple years I struggled financially, but all and all it wasn’t bad. Me and my son against the world I guess, then my brother got out again and came after me. I was informed by the police as soon as he was released and took off to my mother’s house since I had nowhere to go. I thought surely she would side with me after what he did. Why I thought that I will never know, he has always been her perfect child, no matter what he did. I sent my son to his friends house and waited, just knowing my mother would toss him out when he got there. That never happened; when he came after me, my mother jumped in between us and the words that came out of her mouth at that time should not have surprised me, but they did. She screamed at me to go get my son and get out of the state as this would be the last time she would save me. I barely got out of the house, drove to my son’s friends and picked him up and left the state. I left everything we owned (which wasn’t a whole lot) behind and once again had to start over.

I had a friend from when I was with my son’s father. She had moved and begged me to come stay with her. I admit I was leery at first because I have learned never to live with friends as it usually ends up ruining your friendship, but she and her husband were stable and my son needed that. He was 10 at the time. I look at him know and wonder how he ever loved me with everything I put him through. A lot happened from the time he was 10 and now. I was raped and got pregnant with my daughter, whom I love with all my heart. My son was 14 and he had a hard time adjusting, but other than anger and attitude he was a great child. I continued my struggles both financially and mentally as a single parent raising two children. My son left for the military, which was what he wanted since he was 3. I finally got my MBA with a concentration in Healthcare Management and landed an awesome job. Found what I thought to be a great man (there’s another story) and managed to find financial freedom and stability.

Once my mind found some peace, my inner struggles started and I started to get violently angry. I could not figure out why since I had what I considered a good life now. I went to counseling and after getting kicked out of the DBT group, I was referred to a trauma specialist. I was so lost, I had no memory of the first 2 phases of my life and couldn’t understand why I was feeling the way I did or why the heck I needed a trauma specialist. I mean, didn’t everyone go through what I did? Anyways, here I am today trying to take back my life by writing about it in a forum of people who have gone through what I have.