Relationship Girlfriend Of 2 Years Has Ptsd (help)

[Ridner4343]

Hey, I'm 19 years old, have been dating my girlfriend for 2 years, (on and off for s short period, I'll get to that)

She was periodically raped and abused by her step dad for well over 11 years, until she confided this in me around 3 years ago. After finding out I convinced her to call child protective services, which led to her and her mother moving out if that house and on their own. (They're doing fine with out him).

Shortly after this incident she went through therapy and was diagnosed with severe PTSD, she does not take medicine and hasn't gone to therapy since the diagnosis. On top of that she has suffered multiple sexual assault encounters since leaving that house years ago.

I've been there for her through it all to remind her its all gonna be okay, that its not her fault, and that she isn't what she calls herself, "used goods". I've cradled her innumerable times when she woke up from nightmares or when she would enter her bad place after or even during sex. I was there for her always and I still am today.

However there's one incident that has impacted both of our lives drastically. October of last year I find out she cheated on me. She dumped me shortly after without explanation and then, after I learned she cheated, she tries to convince me she didn't, I didn't believe it one bit, in fact I barely let her explain herself. All the context pointed towards her cheating on me with one if her creepy and alternative motive driven friends.

Fast forward 4 months of us not talking and we end up back together. From that point forward she put ups with my insecurities, my panic attacks, my accusations, my nightmares and all my anger for a year and a half. She spent so long trying to redeem herself and apologizing for what she did. Until last week.

A year and a half later. I had told her that she had fully gained my trust back and that I'm no longer insecure. The next day she tells me that that friend of hers, raped her. And I thought that made no sense, you were friends with him every time we broke up. You let me torture myself for a year and a half. How do you those things? I still don't understand it.

And to add insult to injury she's been recently interacting with this boy who raped her at a party. Despite swearing up and down that she never talks to him.

I'm in so much pain over this, I just want some clarity and answers as to how someone who claims to be desperately in love with you and bawls her eyes out at the thought of losing you can lie so easily to me. I'd ask her herself but she's currently in a psych ward for attempting suicide shortly after her admitting to being raped instead of cheating in me. For those who understand my melodramatic story, please help me.

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[joeylittle]

A year and a half later. I had told her that she had fully gained my trust back and that I'm no longer insecure. The next day she tells me that that friend of hers, raped her.

I just want some clarity and answers as to how someone who claims to be desperately in love with you and bawls her eyes out at the thought of losing you can lie so easily to me. I'd ask her herself but she's currently in a psych ward for attempting suicide shortly after her admitting to being raped instead of cheating in me.

These things make me want to ask: in general, have you noticed a pattern of crisis-resolution-new crisis? In other words, are there good stretches of time where everything is OK, or do you experience your relationship with her as always being in crisis-driven emotional extremes?

She was periodically raped and abused by her step dad for well over 11 years, until she confided this in me around 3 years ago.

Since you are 19, I'm assuming that the eleven-plus years of abuse would have started during her childhood?

 

[Ridner4343]

These things make me want to ask: in general, have you noticed a pattern of crisis-resolution-new c...

Yes, there is always crisis-resolution-new crisis. And yes, the abuse started at a young age.

 

[TheMinsterman]

A lot of this sounds very familiar.

My now ex and I were deeply in love for over ten years, then all of a sudden it's over and she goes off to spend all her time with a manipulative and abusive man who 100% has feelings for her (I have no evidence she was unfaithful but the premise of vanishing with somebody awful is more the point). To also put into context somebody tried to assault her not long before our break up too, she would feel compelled to spend time with them as well. I am not sure if that is a symptom of being abused, somebody else here could better answer that.

Right now we are broken up but we still talk and it's clear she doesn't want me to go completely and is very confused but our situations have some pretty frustrating similarities here.

She may well have been raped, my ex has confided in me numerous abusive behaviours her "friend" engages in yet she suddenly feels guilty for saying it and then defends him to the end of the world and keeps saying he's not nasty (trust me anybody who hears what he's like would not agree) and continues spending all her time with him. Their contradictory behaviour doesn't necessarily mean the bad thing they confided in you is not the truth, it still can be so don't take it as a lie off the bat.

I would advise you do not stay in a relationship with her though, she's clearly not ready for it and you deserve some security to know where you stand and not get dragged all over the place. You can still support her but I think for your sake doing so as a friend is better for you both than as a boyfriend.

 

[joeylittle]

I would advise you do not stay in a relationship with her though, she's clearly not ready for it and you deserve some security to know where you stand and not get dragged all over the place. You can still support her but I think for your sake doing so as a friend is better for you both than as a boyfriend.

I agree with @TheMinsterman's whole post, and this part in particular.

Your girlfriend is seriously mentally ill. That by itself isn't reason to leave. But, you are currently the pivot point for what seem like a number of maladaptive coping mechanisms, and as long as they are working for her, she'll keep using them. This doesn't mean, you need to break up with her for her own good - she'll likely continue them until she gets some real psychiatric intervention. She's not in a place, mentally, where a relationship is possible. And you, meanwhile, are in a lot of pain that you deserve some relief from.

I'm in so much pain over this, I just want some clarity and answers as to how someone who claims to be desperately in love with you and bawls her eyes out at the thought of losing you can lie so easily to me.

None of us can diagnose someone. I should type that 100 times before I type what I'm about to do...which is give you some thoughts on why she might be doing this. So please, remember, this is just opinion coming at you, OK?

She very possibly would not call it 'lying'. People with really severe attachment issues, to the point that they could have a diagnosable personality disorder (which is what a lot of your post suggests might be happening) - they are in a kind of hyper-survival mode all the time, and survival depends on having someone or something to attach to at every moment. But once they have that connection they are pathologically seeking, they are not able to sustain it. They had very damaging attachment experiences - every child seeks and craves the love of their parent, and that doesn't always stop when the parent starts the abuse. Sexual abuse in particular can have extremely conflicting emotions built into it for the child. They don't experience their parent's love without also experiencing their parent's sickness, and it's not hard to see how this carries forward into an inability to form stable relationships (romantic and social).

Crisis creates immediacy, which means the need for support/love/care is instantly met. Suicide attempts that fail are one of the more intense ways people can seek that instant support/care - as are discussing self-harm, threatening self-harm, performing self-harm. For many sexual abuse survivors, promiscuity is just a manifestation of their need to both be cared for and shamed. It's really hard stuff, really difficult. And when the sufferer doesn't have self-awareness yet - they haven't accepted that they are in behavior patterns that need to change, and they haven't approached actually processing their trauma, let alone managing their symptoms - well, there's not much anyone can do for them. Which is super-sad.

At a minimum, you would need to see her come out of this recent suicide attempt with a commitment towards bettering her mental health, seeking therapy, doing the work...without that, nothing will change, and you are setting yourself up to try and do something that really only she and trained professionals can do - which is help her become a functional person.