Relationship Girlfriend Of 3 1/2 Years Is Emotionally Numb

[Jason93]

I don't even know how to start this off. My girlfriend of 3 1/2 told me she needed space 2 months ago. We got together when I was 16 and she 15. What I felt when I first met her was so indescribable. Being a foster child with neither of my parents I needed that. And her being a person who everyone overlooked appreciated the fact that someone saw how GREAT she was. And she was great. A sweet spirit, with a genuine love and compassion for people. She always expressed to me how she hated being everyone's second choice and wish people would see her as I saw her.

She loved me and at 1 point she put me before everything in her life and I did the same. We often told each other how we didn't think it was healthy how addicted to each other we were. Then we graduated high-school. Her parents basically told her to fend for herself and the pressures of life took over. She started changing. I tried to help she pushed me away. And SHE cried all the time because she was hurting me. hanging around her friends more and pretending to be something she's not and then people started to notice her like she always wanted. It was that way for over a year. and then my worst fear in life happened she told me she needed space I immediately felt my body go stiff. I felt like my entire world ended. she assured me that she was still 100% in love with me. and that she wanted to be with me and she cried her eyes out until her nose bled and like that it was over. She called me 2 days after that to check on me. I told her I was fine but after that I admit. I didn't give her much space. Not because I wanted to be with her again at that point.. It was just that I couldn't let her feel alone. I couldn't let her hurt! She wasn't receptive though. She just got colder.

Before I knew it I was in pain all the time. for no reason. apart of me feels like that was me carrying the pain she couldn't feel. and yesterday I found out she shared a kiss with someone else she told me it happened a month ago Her and the guy weren't dating it was meaningless and it just happened she doesn't talk to him t all any-more and PROMISED me it would never happen again and reassured me she was still in love with me and still wanted to be with me. We both share this strange feeling though.

We still feel we are connected to each other 100% she told a mutual friend that it would be easier for her to cope with the fact that I died instead of having to cope with the fact that there will never be an us. which was strange because I've said this to MYSELF millions of times but never out loud for the fear of sounding crazy. I KNOW I have to let this go for now. but I'm afraid, hurt, I'm very much in love confused. I want the love of my life back. I miss her... our situation is different than most so please do not tell me to just "Move on" "she wants other guys" or whatever else. I just need meaningful insight . I just started no contact last night after I found out about the kiss. I've always been there for her. now its time for her to feel what its like not to have me at all. any more.

She also said when the kiss happend all she could think about is how she wished it was me and how scared she was that I would find out

 

[Abstract]

It was just that I couldnt let her feel alone. I couldn't let her hurt! She wasnt receptive though. She jut got colder

I think its important to separate what we are truly doing for others and what is actually for ourselves even if it is less obvious. Sometimes "helping" is about the person needing to be a helper and needed rather than being about what the other person needs or wants and therefore truly being helpful. We can't be helpful if our actions are actually causing someone else more distress.

It sounds to me like you both bonded as a means of survival when you were both in crisis in your lives. Healthy relationships that have a good future are founded on each person being whole in their own right and then them being able to share themselves with the other. Feeling like half a person and needing someone to fill the gaps tends to end in disaster of one type or the other every time.

Does one of you have PTSD?

 

[scout86]

Since you don't want to get told to "move on". And I don't have enough information to be sure that's the "right" answer anyway. Here's a story for you.

One of my step daughters went out with several...I hate to call them "losers:" but they kind of were, at least at that point in their lives. She was even engaged to one for awhile. Then she met a guy who seemed to be a genuinely nice guy and a good match. They got married. After a few years, they got divorced. I don't get what happened. She told him he was "too nice". He asked my advice (which is a sure sign you're in trouble because this is NOT one of my areas of expertise.) I had no answer for him. So, they went their separate ways. She dated a number of guys. From what I saw, being "too nice" was never an issue. He never went out on a date. Several years passed. They crossed paths in a store. They had coffee. They were out on a date. They've been happily remarried for quite awhile now.

The moral of the story? "It's a strange and mysterious world we live in."

All I have to say about YOUR situation is that there's probably more going on than meets the eye. If she really feels about you like you do about her, than there's something else getting in the way. Seems to me you need to begin by identifying what that is.

 

[digger]

Sorry you're going through a tough time. Can I ask how this relates to PTSD? Does she have PTSD and you think her behaviour might have something to do with it? Sorry for the questions but I'm a bit confused about what you need insight on.

 

[wolfkitty]

This story calls to me on many levels.

Let me share a little of my experience may be something will call to you.

My best friend and I have known each other since we were in day care together. I love her very deeply and she loves me (nothing sexual, but definitely a very deep bond, deeper than most friends ever get.)

I also believe that there is more to this reality than most of us will ever know. I am so connected to her that I know when she is hurting and in pain even if she is 1000 miles away. I knew she was pregnant ten days before anyone told me she was. This is how deep the bond goes.

However, she was so abused that this bond confuses her. She doesn't understand why I love her, why I still love her after all these years and everything she has done. At first when she first rejected me I took it VERY personal but over time I realized that she did love me she just couldn't accept it. I have her watched spiral down into the darkness of drugs and bad relationships, I have watched her attempt to take her life over 30+ times.

It hurt because she would not let me in and I loved her so much but true love is also loving yourself. It would have been very bad for me to get involved in her life. So I loved her from afar and as I could send her little reminders that I cared for her still.

Well it has been almost twenty years now since I watched her spiral down, and she is finally coming out of it. What surprised her the most is that I was waiting for her when she came out the other side.

She has been drug free for three years now, owns her own business, and is finally getting herself out of all the trouble she was in. In addition she has finally started reaching out to me now. She calls just to hear my voice, and marvels that I don't judge her for her behavior and is finally starting to let me in. She too felt the bond but decided that it wasn't real and thought it was just co-dependent need. However, now that is is finally starting to wake out of her pain she acknowledges that maybe there is something deeper to our relationship.

Now I will tell you about me and my beloved. He and I met five years ago. When I first saw him it was like I wasn't seeing him for the first time but that I recognized him like I have known him forever.

Psychologists will just tell you that when this happens "we" are recognizing things in the person we just met that mirror your parents or other people you have loved that you haven't resolved and are bringing it back into your life in your partner, but I have been with him for five years now and I can tell you he is nothing like any of my family, so I think personally that is a load of hogwash. (or maybe it is true in some cases but not mine)

I felt so connected to him and felt a similar bond as that I had with my best friend (but of course there is sexuality in this relationship).

I know when he is going to call before the phone even rings... I know when he is hurting even if he is not by my side.

When I have pushed him away because of my PTSD issues which usually results me in going on the other side of the house and sleeping by myself, and feeling badly about it. I would imagine him in my mind coming to me and holding me and telling me that he loved me any way. Then I would wake up and he would be there as if I had called to him.

My beloved is a foster child he was taken from his parents home at the age of five. He has never bonded with anyone since then. He loves the bond between us. Ironically even though I was able to be fine with the bond between me and my best friend, I have had difficulty accepting the bond with him.

However, It is there whether I push him away or not. Even if we were to separate and never see each other again the bond would be there.

I have been in many relationships and none of the others felt anything like this. One relationship I was married to the guy for ten years and I never had a bond to him.

My beloved has learned that the best way to get me to come back, is not to track me down or push me but to love himself enough to step back and just let me wander back on my own.

During the last five years I am also learning not to tell him I don't want to be with him any more. It wasn't really the truth and I love him 1000% percent.

However, for me, with the PTSD, one of the the only ways I could cope, for a long time, with all these feelings, was to shut everything off. Unfortunately that also included my love for him. However, even when I did that the bond was still there.

It has taken me time to heal and to realize that each time I told him to go away I was hurting him deeply, but he stayed always (even if it was just on the sidelines) and I am finally coming to see how much he really does love me.

He even told me this morning I have been worth the wait!!!!!

I don't know if my story will help at all, but like I said your story called to me so I thought I would share!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Where is she in her healing journey? Is she in therapy? If she's not in treatment, sadly I say you should let her go. I understand that you have an incredible bond (please read other supporter stories and you'll see this story echoed over and over again), but love won't heal her....you won't heal her. She needs to do this on her own.

I worry about codependency and such. Or this may be a young love sort of thing?