Hello everyone. I found this forum while typing my girlfriend's symptoms on Google. I don't know if she has PTSD, but so many things people say on this forum reflect her experiences, so I figured this is the best place to ask for help.
I'm in a long-distance relationship with this wonderful girl. I'm 22 years old and she's 20. She's from the USA and I'm from Europe. We met a few months ago in person for the first time, but we've been knowing each other for two years, as we met online. I've always liked her, and after meeting in person she fell in love with me too, and we're in a relationship.
I've always known she struggles with mental illness and I do, as we met on a psychology forum. She has depression, she said she's been suffering from depression ever since she was 11. She doesn't have a good relationship with her parents, especially not with her father. Her parents are often abusive, telling her she's going to fail college, and that she's not good enough and discouraging her. They're also fundamentalist Christians. Keep this in mind as it's a key point.
When she was in middle school she dated a guy older than her, just because she felt pressured....you know, peer pressure since everyone had a boyfriend. She felt absolutely nothing for this guy, but as he was older than her he took advantage of her, both psychologically and sexually. She said she was forced to do things she was uncomfortable with, and this is another key point. She said she's not sure and that things started getting bad earlier, but I think this "relationship" left her with a trauma, and not just this "relationship" itself, but the things that happened and other things in her life such as parents being verbally and emotionally abusive.
Anyway, after this introduction, I'm going to talk about the present. So, as I said we're in a relationship and things weren't so bad at first. There were ups and downs....being both mentally ill, we had to readjust and it took more time for us to understand each other. I worked on things and started avoiding getting mad at her. I'm devoting my life to making her happy and helping her get out of depression or at least cope with it in better ways. I always try to protect her, make her feel safe, comfortable and loved. She says I'm the best boyfriend in the world, she says she wants to make me happy and that I make her happy, and that she wants to be with me forever and that I make her life better. I say the same things to her.
Anyway, her depression started getting worse lately. She's always felt suicidal but she mentions it a lot lately. I helped her stop self-harming months ago before being together, we both were really depressed at the time and I self-harmed too.
It's just that lately things got worse for her. I'm starting to feel bad and get worse too. We've been through tough times months ago, but now it seems like something is getting worse. She feels really depressed and suicidal almost every day. I often stay up all night to reassure her and I frequently cry and have meltdowns. I've gotten to the point where I can't even read the word suicide or hear it that I start feeling bad, getting anxious and getting intrusive images and thoughts in my head. I've always been able to handle this word and the concept itself, I study psychiatry a lot (but I'm not a psychiatrist), so I've always been fine with this until now. It's a trigger now. It triggers the worst thoughts possible, especially when she talks about it, but also when I read it or hear it somewhere else. I can't deal with the word anymore because it got too triggering, it makes me panic and triggers emotional meltdowns where I cry and feel an overwhelming sense of doom.
The reason why I said she sounds like many people here and why I suspect she might have PTSD is because she does the constant pushing away many people with PTSD do. She has moments where she suddenly feels trapped and like she wants to escape, otherwise something horrible will happen to her. This is the way she describes her feelings to me: it's a sense of intense fear, even when there is nothing to fear, even when I reassure her she's safe with me. She says she wants to run away and avoid being hurt. She gets paranoid. Later, when she calms down, she says she's sorry and tries to explain. This happens a lot, especially lately it's happening a lot, where she gets scared and feels trapped. She recognizes I'm a good person, she's aware there is nothing to fear and she knows I don't want to hurt her, yet she feels this way. It's hard for me to understand, but I try to, and I reassure her and I tell her it's ok.
She's having one of these moments right now. We were texting and she was calm, but she suddenly accused me of being clingy out of the blue, and then proceeded to say she hates herself and her life, and that she hates relationships. All of this will end when she calms down, and she will tell me she loves me and wants to be with me forever, and that she can't wait to be with me and live together. She always does this. She always has these extreme mood swings, and while I kind of got used to it, some things she says are still triggering to me (I also have fear of abandonment issues). Things like wanting to be alone and that when people get too close to her she feels the need to run away. She even said, one day, "what if you left your country and moved here and then I told you to leave?". When she said this I started feeling really bad, started crying and just had a really bad and extreme meltdown. Later she apologized and said she has issues and that she's sorry and that she wants to be with me but she gets scared sometimes.
There are other things she does. She says she doesn't like mouth kissing. That's ok, but what worries me is that she says she'd panic if I tried to kiss her on the lips, and I know this has to do with that middle school relationship. It's a trigger for her, she said she'd feel like freezing and panicking if we tried to do it. I suspect this has a lot to do with a traumatic experience, or a series of traumatic experiences. She said she didn't like those things, that she didn't want to do them and other sexual acts, but she felt pressured.
I'm ok with this, I don't want to do things that could trigger her, so I said it's ok. At the same time I think she should work on these issues with the help of a therapist, to heal this wound in her psyche, this wound trauma inflicted.
She says she feels scared of living with someone else, and that's why she says she's scared of living together, but again, I think this stems from her traumas in life. Her parents have always made her feel trapped and controlled, they're very controlling and she confessed she'd be scared of not being able to "leave". This is another triggering thing for me. Why does she talk about this? I always get paranoid about it, but she reassures me it's just part of the issues she has, and fears of being trapped and controlled.
I'm sure I want to marry her someday, and she's aware of it. And that's another issue....in her family many marriages went wrong. She said she'd be scared to feel like she can't escape and end up like women in her family who are controlled by their men. I'm totally different from these people. I'm really open minded, I respect her and she knows it. She knows I'm not like them. The rational part of her mind knows she has nothing to fear with me, but the irrational part takes over sometimes.
Another thing related to this is my faith. I'm a Christian, however, I'm very different from her parents. She said she was forced to do Bible study and that she's been verbally abused a lot for being an atheist. I'm a totally different person. I respect people's beliefs or lack of beliefs, and she knows it. She knows this, however, she said I trigger her sometimes just for being a Christian (I wasn't a Christian when we met, I was in a "dark path" I'd rather not talk about, but I converted later). I do absolutely nothing to disrespect her and she knows it. However, she asks questions sometimes and gets mad at me just for having Christian beliefs. She said she wouldn't want me to read the Bible in front of her or things like that, and I told her I wouldn't do it to avoid triggering her. We both don't want any kids in the future, ever, so at least we won't have to deal with different opinions about kids religious education.
I don't just pray for her though, I actively help her everyday, everytime she needs help. This means staying up all night, taking away time I could use to take care of myself, and my efforts are often in vain since she has extreme mood swings and lately she won't stop saying she hates her life.
I talked to her about seeing a therapist and eventually convinced her, and she's seeing a school counselor. I also suggested seeing a psychiatrist and trying meds, but she once accused me of "pushing her" and telling her to take meds so she can act "normal" with me. I said it's not my attention to do any harm, that I just want her to get help. I take meds too and I explained to her they've worked wonders for me so she might as well just give it a try and see a good doctor. Anyway, she's just seeing a school counselor now and she told her she could try meds, too. However, she didn't tell the counselor about her frequent suicide ideation because she fears she'll be reported and taken somewhere. She gets super anxious over school, and this is a consequence of her parents' abusive approach as they are really demanding and want her to get A's all the time otherwise they freak out.
The other day I got so scared after she talked about suicide and got graphic that I started crying uncontrollably and told her I'd tell her parents or someone close to her if she didn't promise to immediately seek help. She begged me not to contact her parents, and I didn't. Eventually she calmed down, but I can't go on this way. I feel like I can't deal with this and can't do it alone. She needs constant help from professionals and meds as her depression is too severe and no amount of talking seems to help her. I know a lot about mental illness, and this has allowed me to at least make her feel understood and help her calm down during bad moments. She once accused me of "not understanding", but I suffer from depression too (bipolar) and used to feel suicidal during my worst depressive phases, so I don't know why she'd say something like this as I try to be as supportive as possible.
What am I doing wrong? Am I not doing enough? And how do I deal with this? I love her more than my own life and she knows it, so I feel like it's my job as a boyfriend to help her, but sometimes it's so hard and things get so bad I get meltdowns and episodes of intense panic, anxiety and as I said, the word "suicide" became extremely triggering to me as I live with this fear constantly, so I feel like she should tell someone else and get more help, because I can't do this alone.
Please, I need help and encouraging words. I feel like I'm slowly falling to pieces.
Thank you and I apologize for the length of this post.
I'm in a long-distance relationship with this wonderful girl. I'm 22 years old and she's 20. She's from the USA and I'm from Europe. We met a few months ago in person for the first time, but we've been knowing each other for two years, as we met online. I've always liked her, and after meeting in person she fell in love with me too, and we're in a relationship.
I've always known she struggles with mental illness and I do, as we met on a psychology forum. She has depression, she said she's been suffering from depression ever since she was 11. She doesn't have a good relationship with her parents, especially not with her father. Her parents are often abusive, telling her she's going to fail college, and that she's not good enough and discouraging her. They're also fundamentalist Christians. Keep this in mind as it's a key point.
When she was in middle school she dated a guy older than her, just because she felt pressured....you know, peer pressure since everyone had a boyfriend. She felt absolutely nothing for this guy, but as he was older than her he took advantage of her, both psychologically and sexually. She said she was forced to do things she was uncomfortable with, and this is another key point. She said she's not sure and that things started getting bad earlier, but I think this "relationship" left her with a trauma, and not just this "relationship" itself, but the things that happened and other things in her life such as parents being verbally and emotionally abusive.
Anyway, after this introduction, I'm going to talk about the present. So, as I said we're in a relationship and things weren't so bad at first. There were ups and downs....being both mentally ill, we had to readjust and it took more time for us to understand each other. I worked on things and started avoiding getting mad at her. I'm devoting my life to making her happy and helping her get out of depression or at least cope with it in better ways. I always try to protect her, make her feel safe, comfortable and loved. She says I'm the best boyfriend in the world, she says she wants to make me happy and that I make her happy, and that she wants to be with me forever and that I make her life better. I say the same things to her.
Anyway, her depression started getting worse lately. She's always felt suicidal but she mentions it a lot lately. I helped her stop self-harming months ago before being together, we both were really depressed at the time and I self-harmed too.
It's just that lately things got worse for her. I'm starting to feel bad and get worse too. We've been through tough times months ago, but now it seems like something is getting worse. She feels really depressed and suicidal almost every day. I often stay up all night to reassure her and I frequently cry and have meltdowns. I've gotten to the point where I can't even read the word suicide or hear it that I start feeling bad, getting anxious and getting intrusive images and thoughts in my head. I've always been able to handle this word and the concept itself, I study psychiatry a lot (but I'm not a psychiatrist), so I've always been fine with this until now. It's a trigger now. It triggers the worst thoughts possible, especially when she talks about it, but also when I read it or hear it somewhere else. I can't deal with the word anymore because it got too triggering, it makes me panic and triggers emotional meltdowns where I cry and feel an overwhelming sense of doom.
The reason why I said she sounds like many people here and why I suspect she might have PTSD is because she does the constant pushing away many people with PTSD do. She has moments where she suddenly feels trapped and like she wants to escape, otherwise something horrible will happen to her. This is the way she describes her feelings to me: it's a sense of intense fear, even when there is nothing to fear, even when I reassure her she's safe with me. She says she wants to run away and avoid being hurt. She gets paranoid. Later, when she calms down, she says she's sorry and tries to explain. This happens a lot, especially lately it's happening a lot, where she gets scared and feels trapped. She recognizes I'm a good person, she's aware there is nothing to fear and she knows I don't want to hurt her, yet she feels this way. It's hard for me to understand, but I try to, and I reassure her and I tell her it's ok.
She's having one of these moments right now. We were texting and she was calm, but she suddenly accused me of being clingy out of the blue, and then proceeded to say she hates herself and her life, and that she hates relationships. All of this will end when she calms down, and she will tell me she loves me and wants to be with me forever, and that she can't wait to be with me and live together. She always does this. She always has these extreme mood swings, and while I kind of got used to it, some things she says are still triggering to me (I also have fear of abandonment issues). Things like wanting to be alone and that when people get too close to her she feels the need to run away. She even said, one day, "what if you left your country and moved here and then I told you to leave?". When she said this I started feeling really bad, started crying and just had a really bad and extreme meltdown. Later she apologized and said she has issues and that she's sorry and that she wants to be with me but she gets scared sometimes.
There are other things she does. She says she doesn't like mouth kissing. That's ok, but what worries me is that she says she'd panic if I tried to kiss her on the lips, and I know this has to do with that middle school relationship. It's a trigger for her, she said she'd feel like freezing and panicking if we tried to do it. I suspect this has a lot to do with a traumatic experience, or a series of traumatic experiences. She said she didn't like those things, that she didn't want to do them and other sexual acts, but she felt pressured.
I'm ok with this, I don't want to do things that could trigger her, so I said it's ok. At the same time I think she should work on these issues with the help of a therapist, to heal this wound in her psyche, this wound trauma inflicted.
She says she feels scared of living with someone else, and that's why she says she's scared of living together, but again, I think this stems from her traumas in life. Her parents have always made her feel trapped and controlled, they're very controlling and she confessed she'd be scared of not being able to "leave". This is another triggering thing for me. Why does she talk about this? I always get paranoid about it, but she reassures me it's just part of the issues she has, and fears of being trapped and controlled.
I'm sure I want to marry her someday, and she's aware of it. And that's another issue....in her family many marriages went wrong. She said she'd be scared to feel like she can't escape and end up like women in her family who are controlled by their men. I'm totally different from these people. I'm really open minded, I respect her and she knows it. She knows I'm not like them. The rational part of her mind knows she has nothing to fear with me, but the irrational part takes over sometimes.
Another thing related to this is my faith. I'm a Christian, however, I'm very different from her parents. She said she was forced to do Bible study and that she's been verbally abused a lot for being an atheist. I'm a totally different person. I respect people's beliefs or lack of beliefs, and she knows it. She knows this, however, she said I trigger her sometimes just for being a Christian (I wasn't a Christian when we met, I was in a "dark path" I'd rather not talk about, but I converted later). I do absolutely nothing to disrespect her and she knows it. However, she asks questions sometimes and gets mad at me just for having Christian beliefs. She said she wouldn't want me to read the Bible in front of her or things like that, and I told her I wouldn't do it to avoid triggering her. We both don't want any kids in the future, ever, so at least we won't have to deal with different opinions about kids religious education.
I don't just pray for her though, I actively help her everyday, everytime she needs help. This means staying up all night, taking away time I could use to take care of myself, and my efforts are often in vain since she has extreme mood swings and lately she won't stop saying she hates her life.
I talked to her about seeing a therapist and eventually convinced her, and she's seeing a school counselor. I also suggested seeing a psychiatrist and trying meds, but she once accused me of "pushing her" and telling her to take meds so she can act "normal" with me. I said it's not my attention to do any harm, that I just want her to get help. I take meds too and I explained to her they've worked wonders for me so she might as well just give it a try and see a good doctor. Anyway, she's just seeing a school counselor now and she told her she could try meds, too. However, she didn't tell the counselor about her frequent suicide ideation because she fears she'll be reported and taken somewhere. She gets super anxious over school, and this is a consequence of her parents' abusive approach as they are really demanding and want her to get A's all the time otherwise they freak out.
The other day I got so scared after she talked about suicide and got graphic that I started crying uncontrollably and told her I'd tell her parents or someone close to her if she didn't promise to immediately seek help. She begged me not to contact her parents, and I didn't. Eventually she calmed down, but I can't go on this way. I feel like I can't deal with this and can't do it alone. She needs constant help from professionals and meds as her depression is too severe and no amount of talking seems to help her. I know a lot about mental illness, and this has allowed me to at least make her feel understood and help her calm down during bad moments. She once accused me of "not understanding", but I suffer from depression too (bipolar) and used to feel suicidal during my worst depressive phases, so I don't know why she'd say something like this as I try to be as supportive as possible.
What am I doing wrong? Am I not doing enough? And how do I deal with this? I love her more than my own life and she knows it, so I feel like it's my job as a boyfriend to help her, but sometimes it's so hard and things get so bad I get meltdowns and episodes of intense panic, anxiety and as I said, the word "suicide" became extremely triggering to me as I live with this fear constantly, so I feel like she should tell someone else and get more help, because I can't do this alone.
Please, I need help and encouraging words. I feel like I'm slowly falling to pieces.
Thank you and I apologize for the length of this post.
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