Sufferer Giving It A Try

[Sara5656]

Hi i'm Sara. I was diagnosed with PTSD a few months ago. My therapist thought it would be a good idea to try to talk to other people who suffer so I feel like im not so alone.

I was in a very abusive relationship for 5 1/2 years. He was a sociopath. He was physically, emotionally and sexually abusive. He isolated me from everyone, and convinced me I deserved what he was doing. He destroyed every good feeling I had about myself. We had a child together. I still couldn't leave. To make a long and painful story short, eventually I left because I knew he was going to kill me if I didn't, and I didn't want my son to be a witness. That was about 3.5 years ago

Finally after 3 years I decided to go to therapy, which is where I got diagnosed with PTSD. I didn't even know you could get PTSD from being abused and when those words came out of my therapists mouth I broke down. I had suppressed a lot of the memories of what he did. I remembered generalizations and of course remembered where some of the scars on my body came from but not the extent of the abuse. Through therapy I realized how bad the abuse really was, and how close I was to dying.

Lately I feel constantly triggered and panicked and depressed. The fact I have to deal with him because we have a child together doesn't help. The sound of a man raising his voice in anger brings me to a panic. I have terrible nightmares and flashbacks of the abuse and intrusive thoughts. I still feel in that constant panic and hyper-vigilance mode that I was in for years. There are times its unbearable..

The people in my life try to understand. My friends are better then my parents. They keep just wanting me to be happy because I'm out of that situation and I'm alive. They don't understand that there are times in my head where I'm right back in those moments and have those same feelings. I know I will never be the person I was before, but I sometimes wonder if I will ever be a whole person again, because I definitely don't feel like one.

But anyway, It's nice to know there is a place to go that others can relate and understand.

 

[Venusian]

Hi Sara, I wasn't in an abusive relationship but I was also just recently diagnosed with PTSD after 43 years. There are times where it all comes crashing back but it is good that you are in therapy. It really helps to get through those episodes and know it will get better. It may not seem like it until you look back and see where you were and where you are now. Writing helps with that because you see where your thinking and outlook has changed from when you wrote it and you realize that things really have gotten better. There are many people here on the forum that have been where you are now and I am sure that you will get many pieces of advice on how to handle things with your ex.

Welcome to the forum.

 

[franciemarnie]

Welcome welcome!!

For sure a lot of people don't get it - what you are going through. But we do!

So glad you're here.

 

[Powder]

Hi Sara,

You were right to leave and get into therapy to find out what all the symptoms were coming from. PTSD can be treated, and for what you have, it may disappear altogether in time.

While you are in this transitional period, you are going to feel pretty bad, but if and when you are independent, have enough money, and are proud of yourself as a mom and as a woman, you will feel pretty darn good again. Use all the help you can get, and be grateful for it, but not too grateful. You deserve it. Believe in yourself. If you could live through that, you can do pretty much anything you want now.

Go back to school and get into a new life soon. Envision what your new dream is, and plan for it. Ask others for support and encouragement, and if they don't offer it, ignore them.

Your son will be fine because he's gonna see what making lemonade when life hands you lemons actually looks like.

I am a college instructor, and in absolutely every section I teach (25 people per section) I have at least one women who has taken a strong step away from an abusive husband to save herself and kid(s) and make a better life. They have each stayed in my heart as fellow survivors, sisters of self-sufficiency, and heroic mothers who stand up for their children's lives. I am so proud of each of these women, wherever they are at on this journey.

You are my hero. Good on you! Thank you so much for getting your boy out of there! I have been told the tearing away that you went through to do this. I am proud of you.
Now, dailly take care of self and him, and slowly put more and more boundaries between him and your son.

Muse

 

[falling]

Hi Sara,

I'm a new member and a long time" frenemy" of PTSD. I just wanted to tell you that you will find this site is filled with supportive, caring people. Your son is lucky to have such a strong Mommy!

 

[rightkindofme]

Welcome to the forum. Lots of people here will understand and you will not be judged. We all walk slightly different paths.

You are making good progress. Give yourself credit. The first step (leaving) is the hardest. You did that. The rest of it will be hard work, but you did the most terrible and exhausting part all ready. (You will still deal with terrible and exhausting... but you no longer live with an abuser who is actively adding stress! It's a win!)

 

[Nebulustrix]

Sara-

I am also new to this site, and your situation sounds similar to my own. I was also in an abusive relationship that led to my life and the life of our child together being threatened. However, my situation only lasted for approximately a year before I left. I imagine you've been exposed to a lot more than I was. I also went straight to therapy immediately upon leaving the relationship, and was quickly diagnosed with PTSD. It was very, very rough for me for about a year.

I saw my therapist frequently and worked with her on self-coping techniques, read some helpful books and articles, and wrote a LOT. I was hyper-sensitive to everything, kept seeing similarities between my family and my ex that worked as stressors and triggers, nightmares, insomnia, flashbacks, panic attacks, break downs, the whole nine yards. About a year of therapy and I was able to get all of this (mostly) under control.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel! You can have a "normal" life again. Your trauma will not ever go away, but you can disconnect the memories from the hyper-emotional responses. There will be times you will still get triggered, will still get stressed out, will still have trouble sleeping, etc - but it is possible to cope and not live under constant stress and tension.

I joined this site because I'm going through a hard time with my PTSD right now. I've gone three years since I stopped seeing a therapist where the worst of what I had to deal with was occasional feelings of anxiety that my ex was going to try to hunt me down, and some sporadic sleepless nights and nightmares. Presently though, I'm starting to feel like I did when I was seeing a therapist - because a guy was setting off a lot of my stressors and triggers in trying to start a relationship with me. I just cleared that up yesterday, but it's going to take me some time to get feeling "normal" again.

So, I can definitely relate to your trauma and your PTSD. However, I won't be able to offer you much advise on dealing with the ex. Mine is court ordered no visitation, and I have an injunction allowing me to not have to share my address or other such information with him, so he is not involved in my son's life at all.

 

[nomedic1]

Hi Sara welcome to the forum.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Sara,

Welcome to MyPTSD forum! :)

Developing PTSD from domestic violence is unfortunately not that uncommon and it is also the source of my PTSD. With therapy and work, the symptoms do subside and life does again become enjoyable. It is difficult for people to understand that even when a person is removed from the relationship, it doesn't remove the memories and that takes time and healing.

There is a sister site you may find helpful: MyDomesticViolence.com. I hope you find the information and support here beneficial to your healing.

Take care.

Debbie

 

[arfie]

Hi, Sara. I am even newer here than you are. You have about 30 hours seniority on me. I am a support group veteran, though. Support groups have been the backbone of my recovery since 1972. I am still a bit skeptical of the on-line groups. I often think they are too much like the social and gamer sites.

Our backgrounds are quite different, but I believe the diversity of my support network is what helps me sort the symptoms from the memories.

I look forward to testing the site. Hope to see you around.