bluepassport
New Here
Hello world. This is a strange and scary way for me to be asking for support, but here I am. Stepping out from under my hole that I've been hiding in to say hello and introduce myself. I respect all of you so much for putting yourselves out there in a forum and sharing your personal stories. Just by reading a few of them today, I've found a level of comfort and understanding that I can't seem to find with anyone or anyplace else. Thought I'd share my story so that others might not feel so alone in their healing.
Earlier this year, I took steps to begin the process of healing. As a child, I was born into an extremely unhealthy environment - one full of deceit, toxicity and a family that were simply ill-equipped to provide the basic emotional support that a child requires for healthy development. My mother was emotionally unstable, narcissistic and unavailable to me. She was consumed with her own issues from two broken marriages and failed suicide attempts, while my father played away with my aunt on the side (a fact my family kept from me until I was in my 30's).
I learned from a young age that I really didn't matter and everything that happened to me was because I was unlovable. Emotional neglect was the norm. Looking over my shoulder and expecting danger was completely routine. It didn't come as a surprise to me, then, at age 4 to find myself in another precarious situation and was subject to years of sexual abuse from a longtime family friend who happened to live next door. It's normal to send your child to sleepover at an older couple's home each weekend, isn't it?
Years went on and the traumatic environments and situations continued to surround me. At age 11 I lost my father to cancer. My mother completely shut down, shut off and I was left to fend for myself physically and emotionally. I never dealt with the grief, loss and abandonment, let alone the sexual abuse. It was all just "business as usual". If I didn't keep it together, no one else would be there to catch me. Survival was the only norm and it was my companion.
Years went by with me believing that my reality was normal and whatever I was going through was just another part of life. The child in me didn't know any better. No one told me otherwise. I was merely surviving and pretending to have it together. I spent my entire childhood and teenage years suppressing (and numbing the pain) and told myself that what happened was in the past, and that I needed to simply move on. I relied on myself and no one else.
Well, move on I did. I was the master of disguise. I fooled everyone, including myself. But I was living in the most unauthentic way and eventually my body responded. Panic, anxiety, depression, flashbacks, insomnia...it all flooded my body and mind. I got sick and my body revolted. But I still didn't listen. I thought I had it all together and knew how to cope.
But what I failed to realize, is that the cycle of trauma continues if you don't address it - or at least become aware of it. And so, I found myself once again in a dangerous situation and was the subject of harassment at work this year. Two years of verbal abuse and manipulation resulted in a two-day long anxiety attack, a call to a crisis support line and one of the darkest moments in my life. In that darkness, I somehow found the strength to quit my job, remove myself from the danger and get the help I needed. Two days later I started seeing a therapist who specializes in PTSD and childhood trauma and it's been the best thing I've ever done.
I'm nine months into this process. It's been scary and so challenging. Every day I force myself to get out of bed to deal with it and...it's hard and it really sucks. But I know it's necessary and it's not supposed to be easy. I'm learning more about myself, my behaviour and what I need to heal.
I guess one of the hardest parts is people not understanding what I'm going through. I've had friends step away. I've lost connections and isolated myself. Those closest to me are "concerned for me" because they don't know what to say or how to cope. Those who try to support me offer advice like "take a walk outside and it'll all be better" or "just stay positive" and "you really need to be grateful for what you have now".
What I wish I could tell them is that there is a child in me that has never healed. The child in me WAS positive. The child in me DID take walks by herself to make it seem like it would all be better. But the child in me is hurting and needs some comfort and support right now in the most compassionate way possible.
So I guess that's why I'm here. To find some comfort and help anyone else that needs some compassion in their lives. I think we all could use a bit more understanding and support.
Thanks for listening. Love to all that are here, just surviving, and trying to heal.
Earlier this year, I took steps to begin the process of healing. As a child, I was born into an extremely unhealthy environment - one full of deceit, toxicity and a family that were simply ill-equipped to provide the basic emotional support that a child requires for healthy development. My mother was emotionally unstable, narcissistic and unavailable to me. She was consumed with her own issues from two broken marriages and failed suicide attempts, while my father played away with my aunt on the side (a fact my family kept from me until I was in my 30's).
I learned from a young age that I really didn't matter and everything that happened to me was because I was unlovable. Emotional neglect was the norm. Looking over my shoulder and expecting danger was completely routine. It didn't come as a surprise to me, then, at age 4 to find myself in another precarious situation and was subject to years of sexual abuse from a longtime family friend who happened to live next door. It's normal to send your child to sleepover at an older couple's home each weekend, isn't it?
Years went on and the traumatic environments and situations continued to surround me. At age 11 I lost my father to cancer. My mother completely shut down, shut off and I was left to fend for myself physically and emotionally. I never dealt with the grief, loss and abandonment, let alone the sexual abuse. It was all just "business as usual". If I didn't keep it together, no one else would be there to catch me. Survival was the only norm and it was my companion.
Years went by with me believing that my reality was normal and whatever I was going through was just another part of life. The child in me didn't know any better. No one told me otherwise. I was merely surviving and pretending to have it together. I spent my entire childhood and teenage years suppressing (and numbing the pain) and told myself that what happened was in the past, and that I needed to simply move on. I relied on myself and no one else.
Well, move on I did. I was the master of disguise. I fooled everyone, including myself. But I was living in the most unauthentic way and eventually my body responded. Panic, anxiety, depression, flashbacks, insomnia...it all flooded my body and mind. I got sick and my body revolted. But I still didn't listen. I thought I had it all together and knew how to cope.
But what I failed to realize, is that the cycle of trauma continues if you don't address it - or at least become aware of it. And so, I found myself once again in a dangerous situation and was the subject of harassment at work this year. Two years of verbal abuse and manipulation resulted in a two-day long anxiety attack, a call to a crisis support line and one of the darkest moments in my life. In that darkness, I somehow found the strength to quit my job, remove myself from the danger and get the help I needed. Two days later I started seeing a therapist who specializes in PTSD and childhood trauma and it's been the best thing I've ever done.
I'm nine months into this process. It's been scary and so challenging. Every day I force myself to get out of bed to deal with it and...it's hard and it really sucks. But I know it's necessary and it's not supposed to be easy. I'm learning more about myself, my behaviour and what I need to heal.
I guess one of the hardest parts is people not understanding what I'm going through. I've had friends step away. I've lost connections and isolated myself. Those closest to me are "concerned for me" because they don't know what to say or how to cope. Those who try to support me offer advice like "take a walk outside and it'll all be better" or "just stay positive" and "you really need to be grateful for what you have now".
What I wish I could tell them is that there is a child in me that has never healed. The child in me WAS positive. The child in me DID take walks by herself to make it seem like it would all be better. But the child in me is hurting and needs some comfort and support right now in the most compassionate way possible.
So I guess that's why I'm here. To find some comfort and help anyone else that needs some compassion in their lives. I think we all could use a bit more understanding and support.
Thanks for listening. Love to all that are here, just surviving, and trying to heal.
