Going Crazy, Bonkers

[Mallaky]

Hello,

so wednesday I have a super important meeting with a outpatient clinic, specialised on trauma. The only one I could go to.
I am going crazy. Cannot think, cannot feel, but have these terrible emotions and thoughts.

I am so super f*cking sure I am just a insane, lazy, slacker crybaby. My mind at the moment exists only of the people who tought me that.

I am irrational, and I cannot make sense of myself. It is, as if I am afraid wednesday they will see behind my lies. I feel so rotten. I cannot connect to my partner at all, he doesn't understand. Neither do I.

I feel like such a coward, lier, attention whore. I am afraid of them finding out and telling me I am a fake, and I am also afraid of them rejecting me. Those fears are not compatible.

Had terrible nightmares. I cannot remember why I ever thought I had PTSD, how I could be so mean to my lovely parents and grandma. They were so kind, taking me in, and I am just spreading lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies....
Then I watch into my trauma diary, think about the deaths and violence and abuse and neglect and then nothing makes sense anymore, at all. Did I really write this? Did this really happen? Is that my story? I know nothing anymore. I cannot remember any of this, but I can. Am I sure that is me, not just some story I told myself? How can I be sure?

My mind is screaming. Metall on metall. I don't know anything anymore.

I have read it now, the trauma diary. At first the words did not make sentences, and then the sentences did not make sense. I read about my brother's suicide and was digusted about myself. He was the one who had it bad! How can I make even his death about myself? Does my selfishness know no bounds?

Have put on a song. I have doubt. I let it in. A brother? MY brother? Dead by choice? But if he killed himself, it means it was true. All of it? I manage to cry a few tears before I go back to numbness.

I feel very old now. Very lonely. Numb. Mind and body hurts. I feel sick. Underneath that all is something else. Something tiny. Something bright.

Kindness. I have found some inside of me. I cannot connect it to the adult me, but once I was a desperate lonely little child trying everything to escape. That child is calling to me. I let it in.

 

[shimmerz]

That child is calling to me. I let it in.

Beautifully written @Mallaky. It really captures what I, and I am certain, many of us feel. The conflict of it all is agonizing. Who could survive as a young child without assigning blame to ourselves? Take care of your little one.

Congratulations on such an incredible accomplishment.

 

[Sandstone]

Yes. you express so well the turmoil that comes with the innate ability to believe two, three , four totally incompatible things.

If the clinic are any good at all, they should understand that internal conflict

 

[Deleted member 29920]

These feelings are common in trauma survivors. You are not crazy. I hope you get the help you deserve

 

[UnKnown-Self]

I'm sorry for your pain and losses.
I'm so glad you have an appointment Wednesday.

It used to seem so much easier for me to accept I was the problem. If I didn't lie or make crazy situations up in my mind everyone else would be the loving, supportive people they profess to be.
Along with a therapist, this board is a good place to start figuring things out.

Peace, Alice