I don't really know where to start because I am under stress since years. I need therapy since 3 years and I am still on a waiting list. The therapist assumed a trauma-related disorder with recommendation for trauma therapy and EMDR and I didn't even tell her everything. Some stuff is easier to talk about and not dangerous, just unpleasant like work related bullying I experienced for a year. There is more and I feel like I haven't processed anything that happened in childhood or after childhood. Some of that is "everyday" experiences like a horrible relationship with a woman that has BPD and tried to destroy me mentally, this was over 15 years ago! Therapies were superficial or damaging at worst. I made one good experience in a clinic that specialises on trauma therapy.
Now to the reason I made this post: A few weeks ago something triggered me and I don't really know why, I also had to cope with stuff a friend was telling me and then suddenly a name was triggering like it never did before. I was overwhelmed, tried to calm down and not feel like I overreact. But then I started laughing like crazy and then I cried. I was switching between laughing and crying again and again, like a maniac, the last years were just too much and then this god damn name.
I don't remember anything bad related to that name but I act like there was something and it is driving me nuts, I feel like I am making things up. When the name came up I had a sentence in my mind that I can't find a reason to of why the hell I had it in my mind, it was abuse related but nothing ever happened.
Then yesterday, and it mostly happens in the evening and night time, I had a picture of something disgusting in my head, but no memory or anything, just some sort of cut out picture of a disgusting thing.
The evening before that I heard a noise in the room and suddenly feared the name was coming for me and wanting to kill me, I knew rationally that it could not be true because the name is dead but I was anxious like hell.
When I was in the clinic 10 years ago I had the feel that the name was threaten me not to talk about anything, back then I thought it was just a part of my mind telling me that it is too much to handle for me, now I think more like I made it up.
The death was too much for me to handle as a child, now I can't explain the extreme emotional response and seem to begin to make stuff up as a way to fill gaps? I know that all of this sounds crazy, I can't stop thinking about it which sounds more like OCD to me. I know there is trauma related stuff but not like this. How do I stop this?
Now to the reason I made this post: A few weeks ago something triggered me and I don't really know why, I also had to cope with stuff a friend was telling me and then suddenly a name was triggering like it never did before. I was overwhelmed, tried to calm down and not feel like I overreact. But then I started laughing like crazy and then I cried. I was switching between laughing and crying again and again, like a maniac, the last years were just too much and then this god damn name.
I don't remember anything bad related to that name but I act like there was something and it is driving me nuts, I feel like I am making things up. When the name came up I had a sentence in my mind that I can't find a reason to of why the hell I had it in my mind, it was abuse related but nothing ever happened.
Then yesterday, and it mostly happens in the evening and night time, I had a picture of something disgusting in my head, but no memory or anything, just some sort of cut out picture of a disgusting thing.
The evening before that I heard a noise in the room and suddenly feared the name was coming for me and wanting to kill me, I knew rationally that it could not be true because the name is dead but I was anxious like hell.
When I was in the clinic 10 years ago I had the feel that the name was threaten me not to talk about anything, back then I thought it was just a part of my mind telling me that it is too much to handle for me, now I think more like I made it up.
The death was too much for me to handle as a child, now I can't explain the extreme emotional response and seem to begin to make stuff up as a way to fill gaps? I know that all of this sounds crazy, I can't stop thinking about it which sounds more like OCD to me. I know there is trauma related stuff but not like this. How do I stop this?
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