Good Mothers Out There?

[Annie B]

I recently discovered that my son is a trigger for me. Not him personally, but the act of parenting him. It makes me sad and anxious and so...inept.

My mother is a good person at heart but she has serious BPD, which led to my experiencing and seeing things that have messed me up. I thought it was normal, that most people can't stand their mothers and have to regularly talk them down from the ledge (so to speak) and take care of them like a little pre-pubescent therapist. At times I thought maybe I was horrible and unreasonable and deserved being treated the way I was. Maybe I was just being overly sensitive? I am so confused.

It saddens me that I get a pit in my stomach when she calls to even just say hi and that she loves me. It saddens me that I have to talk to my therapist about what she did that caused so much permanent damage, especially since she has no idea what she does during her "rages" and really did try her best. She did try and didn't set out to abuse me like her mom did to her. I don't even know if she remembers the violence and cruel words she inflicted, her mind is so broken. She probably remembers it as if she was the victim. Nobody in the world can feel pain and sorrow except for her.

When people are all lovey dovey with their moms I always suspect it is an act. Sure they love their moms (I genuinely do despite it all) but does anyone really want to spend time with them? Does anyone not have to stifle the anxiety, anger and irritation whenever she is around? I don't think so. If they say otherwise they are just being polite and saving face.

I'm afraid that my mental illness will result in my son experiencing trauma and one day crying to his therapist about how screwed up his mother was. It makes me sick to think I could cause him such pain. How can I be the kind of mother I don't even believe exists?

I am hoping somebody out there has a mother that didn't contribute to his/her disorder. If you didn't, please share your positive experiences!

 

[CVC]

I am not a mother, so I can't provide any concrete experiences (though I can certainly relate to your feelings about mothers in general). For what it's worth, I spoke with my therapist about my concerns over one day being a parent, and she told me that one of the top predictors for parenting outcomes is whether or not the parent has acknowledged and accepted their traumatic past. Here you are, talking about your traumatic past, getting support... seems to me that this is all great news for your kid!

 

[mytai]

I can't say much in the way of my mum when I was growing up, she wasn't really present and wasn't super lovey with me.

Present time, I'm an adult (23), moved out of the house and living on my own. My mum is a great support system for me (not with my traumas - won't acknowledge them), but in every other way is a great support. My mum has never been the super lovey kind, it isn't her, if she was I would feel like it was forced or fake. She is very much like a friend to me now, we aren't super close, I'm very much a daddy's girl but we have a good solid relationship now.

The fact that you are concerned about causing potential harm to your son says to me that your are way ahead (in the positive sense) from where your own mom was. You are going to therapy, you are getting help, and you obviously care for your son or you wouldn't be worried about him. Be kind and patient with yourself, you didn't have a good role model when it came to parenting, but your therapist can help you with that too. If they can't personally, I'm sure they could refer you to someone who specializes in that area.

You are strong, you are not your mother, you are your own individual person. You are taking healthy steps to save your son from the same pain you went through, be proud of yourself for that. If you are proud of yourself, I sure am proud of you.

 

[nursenurse]

Don't overthink this!!! You know what your relationship with your Mom is like, she obviously had many issues and thrust you into a role that you had no business being in. You now have what she did not at the time - knowledge, self realization. Your son is going to be just fine. You ARE a good mother.

 

[Eleanor]

I have one aunt what was a really good mom. Both her kids really enjoy her company. I do too, for that matter. The difference between her and the rest of my mom and dad's siblings (apart from the fact that she is the youngest by 18 years) is that she and my uncle were very conscious about how they parented. They were honest, and self reflective. They made some hard calls (to cut off contact with his parents who were verbally/emotionally abusive.) They showed up. Their kids are both not "average" "off the shelf" kids, but both really centered, with solid friendships, good careers, and in once case a good marriage (I think the other might be a-sexual.)

Parents get a lot of credit for effort. And for apologizing when we screw up. And working on ourselves so that we can be a good example for them. I wonder what will happen when my adopted daughter "outgrows" me - in the sense that she is emotionally "better" than I am. She might already be. I've just got more practical knowledge. What we offer our kids changes all the time. That's what makes it such a demanding practice.

 

[DMerish]

For what its worth, my mother did and did not contribute to my disorder. When I was about 5.5 my mother was in a car accident that left her with TBI. By the time I was 12 she frequently didn't know who I was. Her accident/her "absence" left a mark - it made me vulnerable to some things that I don't think get passed on by "normal" parents to normal children. My mother's absentia/TBI made also her do some strange and crazy things.

I have memories of her prior to the accident - very good ones. She wasn't all warm and cozy all the time, but she did enjoy her children. She was a strong, independent, opinionated, adventurous, had lots of friends, loved to cook, garden, entertain guests, sing and play the piano. Firm, but not unduly unkind with discipline. She wasn't the sappy, lovey/dovey type - she was more like a cheerleader to her flock. I picked up a lot of her good qualities (although I've only entertained once in the last year since my PTSD symptoms came back).

There's still a lot of unconscious "it's all the mother's fault for the way I am" that goes on, in general. I'm not meaning to dismiss what you've went through, or go through, or by any means invalidate your feelings. But I don't know if this forum is going to give you a lot of insight re: positive mothering experiences. I don't know of a site that might (sorry), but maybe there's a Mom's Forum somewhere that could.

Overall, I choose to remember and appreciate the good my mother did in my life, and I'm wholeheartedly with Nursenurse on what she said. In fact, if your mom is still behaving uncontrollably with you, if her actions are currently causing you the grief you described, I don't understand why you're around her . . . Are you the only family member she has? Or am I missing something?

 

[macca]

I hear you Annie! My son is an inadvertent trigger for me also. I've been struggling with it, and I have spent time in therapy on it recently. My son is 13, and is seeing a psychologist too. He has social anxiety and OCD, due to having long absences from school due to a medical disorder causing chronic pain (don't worry, he will be ok once he stops growing). Anyway, due to my experiences, I've come out with this thing of being responsible for other people's emotions, and that along with my fervent wish that none of my kids must ever go through what I went through, I've accidentally got him so he relies on me for regulating his emotions, and sometimes speaks to me quite badly (which is triggering). His OCD means he's paranoid about contamination, and then I get triggered by "not being good enough". I'm working really, really hard on this. I can see that he is not damaged like me, he has not had the traumas I did, or the emotional neglect, and he is fine once he recovers from being upset. I was never fine. I have to keep reminding myself of the distinction between him and me, that it's different. He is learning to regulate his own emotions at an age-appropriate level now, while still knowing I care. But wow, it's so hard. I have this fear I'll do everything wrong in parenting him - but as his psychologist and mine keep telling me, I am not my father, I am not my mother, this is different - he is not traumatised, he is not depressed. He will be ok. I don't have to protect him from emotions - and I have to be careful not to have him become emotion-phobic like me!

 

[Annie B]

First of all, thank you to everyone for your kind words and support! I appreciate the positivity and love being offered, especially from strangers. These days it's hard to find people on the internet who are not inclined to be nasty to everyone. ;)

DMerish, I'll give you a bit more info to explain why I am still around my mom.

All things considered, she has been a great mom. She is there for her kids, does not neglect us, loves us dearly. She would do anything for her family. If you are unfamiliar with BPD let me tell you about one symptom in particular called splitting. She simultaneously puts her loved ones (children mostly) on pedestals and rips them apart for both real and imagined flaws. Some kids are all good, some all bad. 2 of the kids are all bad (I am one of them), the rest are good most of the time. We don't have to do anything to become the bad one, it makes no sense. But Of all the kids I am the one most likely to come to the rescue. I was my mom's therapist, I was the one she took all her rage out on. My sister was also "all bad" but her response was to disappear when things got rough (I don't blame her!) I did not. I would not hide from flying dishes and furniture. I would take the abuse (physical, verbal, emotional) head on. I would see my dad lose his patience with her in a not so admirable way. I was the protector. When she would rage I would take it to prevent the attacks from being aimed at my younger siblings. My mission was to protect them no matter what.

But then when the rage was over, my dad had stormed out, she didn't seem to know what had happened. She would get it out then would be needy again and feel worthless and like the world was against her, like nobody loved her. Guess who was there to patch her up again? Me, because I was the only one left standing (figuratively). Sounds like I'm giving myself a pat on the back but I'm so not. Most of my siblings were spared permanent mental distress though so I guess that is something.

The physical abuse stopped long long ago. She is unpredictable still and volatile and hypercritical, but she does all of the mom things correctly. A few of us are left with some major emotional scars but I'm the lucky one with ptsd.

Why do I stick around? I forgave her because she is ill. If I cut ties with her it would be like cutting ties with my kid because he is bipolar (he is not). That would just be wrong. But i still get angry and anxious but I can't say a word. She can't accept that people other than her can feel emotions. She would not get me help for depression in HS because she said I was being dramatic. My life wasn't as hard as hers was and she still made it so I should just get over it, she said.

I guess I am just worried about my son because mental illness begets mental illness. My mom is a good person and tried her best but she still failed. She succeeded in many ways too, but I have to live with fear and panic every day and every night because her illness got the best of her.

Sorry for the novel everyone!

 

[Annie B]

I do want to add a shout out to all of you working to focus on the good over the bad! I'm pretty quiet about the specifics of what I experienced. I allude to things but also don't want to break my cover because I'm paranoid someone I know will find out (it would reflect poorly on my parents and I would feel weird talking "emotions" with people), haha. I don't doubt many of you had it much worse than I did so I really should be less of a baby.

I SO admire your willingness to take what you've learned and lift someone else up (like me) with it. I'll get down and say woe is me, the world is horrible and not leave my house for a week, but if I can look toward your examples I'll see that things can get better, ptsd can be managed! I CAN be a good mom, it is possible. You show me, or at least tell me, that it is possible. For that I am grateful.

 

[mytai]

Hey @Annie B just read your post. I don't have a whole lot to say other than thanks for sharing, you are clearly a strong individual (PTSD does not make us weak), and I can see you take on a protector role for most everyone in your life (from what I can tell anyways).

I can understand the fear of not knowing if you are causing your son harm, like your mother did to you, I don't have kids myself but I can understand the fear of not knowing if you're hurting someone (I have a dissociative disorder). Have you thought about sitting down with your son and talking to him about your fears? It could open a pathway of communication between the two of you, and give him the ability to voice to you if something is happening. Just a thought.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Bad mothers imagine themselves to be perfect, and when the child isn't as perfect as they think it ought to be, they blame the child.

People who are imperfect can be good mothers, because they are able to recognise their imperfections and adapt to do the best for their children.

 

[Annie B]

Mytai- thank you! Fear is so annoying. Though I suppose fear of not knowing if we're hurting someone is actually a good thing. At least we're considering that to be a possibility rather than going through life not caring if we hurt anybody. I guess the key is figuring how to not let the fear cripple us. And therein lies the conundrum. :)

My son is a bit young yet to talk to him. He is still figuring out how to make words of his own! Luckily I've got plenty of time before we have the talk to work on my issues and learn how to identify and "do" emotions like a normal person. Here's hoping I can get my shiz together by then!