Good sites to "unbrainwash" or "deprogram"one self?

[anthony]

Here is one issue... I have not asked you to like or hate your mother, father or step father, that is an aside issue and your choice alone. That has nothing to do with you accepting the truth, the reality, of a situation.

We started at: "I'm bad" -- "god told them i am."

To: "I'm bad" -- "My mom is a f*cked in the head pedophile."

If she is what you say she is, and that is the truth, then accepting the truth is aside to whether or not your love or hate your mother. Stay focused on the one issue, "I'm bad" at discover the reasons why that is your belief of yourself.

Regardless of all the other thoughts occurring, you only focus on the one until you accept it as the truth, without further thought. Then you move onto the next.

You may have 50 different thoughts on why you're bad, but you only tackle one at a time. You evidence each one to find your truth. It may take you days, a week, or more to get the first solid in your head through repetition every time that thought occurs. The moment it does, you counter it with the truth you have accepted. When that thought ceases, or when you have that though and your automatic thought is your accepted truth, then you shift to the next one.

As you progress through them you get better and better, progressively becoming faster and also working through thoughts will compound and knock out other thoughts be default. You will just start automatically applying prior answers to other thoughts that resolve around the same problem. Within a year, you suddenly find your entire automatic thought pattern vastly different. Less symptom intensity and more control.

When you have better control of your thoughts, that allows you to go into deeper therapy intensity, because you've become mentally stronger. This isn't a sprint, its a marathon, treat it as one. You don't want to have to come back and redo things unnecessarily, so do them right the first time and you will get to your goal faster.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I have not asked you to like or hate your mother, father or step father, that is an aside issue and your choice alone. That has nothing to do with you accepting the truth, the reality, of a situation.

I know you didnt. It was the pain i just went through; i didnt want to feel that, it felt like too much. To accept the truth, i have to shift blame (something i already knew but didnt know how), to do that, i had to feel the pain of the past again; something i avoided at all cost.

Hopefully since i have finally said to myself (and the entire forum, was scared to go through that alone in my head) that my mother and step father were pedophiles, shifting blame from me to them...i'll be able to do the rest.

I couldnt tackle one cuz i carried all the blame.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Here is one issue... I have not asked you to like or hate your mother, father or step father, that is an asi...

Thank you!

 

[ghotiff]

In my humble opinion shifting the blame i.e. "Peadophile" is a great first step and the "I'm bad" is too vague and too general to start with first.

Your physce knew where it needed to go.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Your physce knew where it needed to go.

Uh huh, you saw me risist at first didnt you?

It didnt change much of anything when it comes to how i think about me and though i just woke up and fell asleep right after that, so it hasnt had a chance to settle and im pretty sure its not gonna change the rituals/punishments...thats the bit by bit grand of sand on the beach; IT was a wall, a block, a fence around the beach, and not one sand or bit but a few that i could push my hand through the fense and grab, could be moved; there was no way to change anything when i carried full blame and my therapist has said that MANY times over the last few yrs and he would tell me a thousand diffenerent ways that my mom & step dad were crimanally wrong and pedophiles, how i didnt deserve it (where i think being in the virtual world helped, felt safer as i cant talk when suicidal but obviously can type) but i would always stick up for them but ask "why cant i see that it was wrong? If it were anyone else i do?"

He'd talk about stockholm and how shes my mom and the the only mom i have and natural to want to protect her and that i saw my step dad as a lover/dad figure so also natural there..blah blah blah. Its not why, not really. Shes my only mother, true enough, but that was probably the most pain i have ever felt since it happened and i was in the fetal position on the recliner in my room and bit a hole in my pillow (woke up and saw that was true) and was throwing up in a garbage can. Something that i dont think i could have done in real life...no matter how safe i felt in his office.

Thats what i was avoiding, trying not to feel it, felt like too much (and would have been if i had left this site and got up...i wouldnt of been here now or at least would have had BAD cuts and wouldnt of been able to shift it like i did; thats why i didnt). I also felt i needed to be pushed and always told my therapist that and anthony didnt really push me, i pushed me, i needed to answer that one question as a yes without any buts, the rest was the pain of the shift; rhe full weight of my past as it moved...mostly the my child self screaming inside....

What he did do was ask me that, the one question that needed to be answered, at a time that i was already hurting, suicidal, and frustrated at myself (was at night when my numbess guard isnt up) and being frustrated at myself and more frustrated that i couldnt answer that as just a simple yes and leave it there and i kept resisiting to see it as it was so obvious to my rational self..more frustration...that caused the push.

Its still making me tremble all over, pain is there still (not like last night but enough to make me.tremble inside and out)...its like i just opened the biggest wound i have ever since it all happened...its gonna hurt for a while, probably a long time. I just hope that it lessens & stop causing me to shake this bad...or at least a little cuz though the gate is gone, that sand is VERY tender and when i touch it, its like it bit me. But hopefully when i let it sit for a bit...i can carefully start to move them.

Im sorry for crowding a thread with it, i was scared that if i didnt do that here, i would of ended up dead as i started suicidal as it was...i didnt trust myself with that much pain.

Thank you everyone for being there for me and putting up with me, i know im a frustrating person. I dont mean to be, i guess its how i learned to live in order to be functional. Its more than just not knowing how to socialize, theres a lot of walls and bandages. At least i was able to take down the one that allowed the blame to shift!

 

[The Albatross]

"I totally get what you're saying and my therapist spent an entire hour with me doing this, sorta. I had to "prove my case" like a court room. Id tell him a belief and had to defend my postion, he'd counter it with a more rational thought; then id have to defend the same position against his counter...i ended up in a circle and said "well it doesnt make ration sense but i believe it anyway". My strong will bull headiness working against me."

This is an excellent observation. Defending and proving... why do you feel motivated to do this? What would happen if you stopped defending and accepted what has happened to you with the more rational thoughts? Is or would it be a trigger for self harm? Are the feelings/thoughts you so actively resist and which are holding you in your "role" what's keeping you together? I would definitely discuss this with my shrink.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I would definitely discuss this with my shrink.

Already have, and already took that step lasr night by allowing the blame to shift. Now i can get.to the grains of sand to move. Was something i.always knew needed to happen but had no idea how to.do it.

What will happen if? Nothing but a complete shit load of pain that had me balled up in a fetal position, throwing up in a garbage can. Done in real life, or at any point in the day (where i didnt fall asleep after) i may not had allowed that shift of blame to fully occur as i did last night; thus leaving me with that MASSIVE pain and it would have been too much or i wouldnt be able to numb it and would have ended my life...something i already think about daily.

Im just glad some have the patience for me to let me do that here. :)

 

[The Albatross]

Quite a few have given you an opportunity and support to do that here. In your reactive times pause to consider that on your threads and diary you're getting feedback?

Very glad you were able to see the way clear to let the blame shift.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Quite a few have given you an opportunity and support to do that here. In your reactive times pause to consider that on your threads and diary you're getting feedback?

I know that, and very thankful for it!

 

[The Albatross]

Opening up in you diary is tough... be gentle with yourself, but know that you've had feedback there as well. This though is your thread as you are the opening poster. NO need for apologies? You've shared quite a lot in a very short time. Don't let it trip you into maladaptive coping/behaviors???

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Don't let it trip you into maladaptive coping/behaviors???

Its not, its just VERY tender and causing my body to shake and tremble inside and out. It needs to sit for a bit before i attempt to touch the grains of sand.

 

[The Albatross]

There are gains to be had with processing... I'm though concerned about your dealing with these matters in the same home as your mother?