Good sites to "unbrainwash" or "deprogram"one self?

[lostforgottensoul]

I'm though concerned about your dealing with these matters in the same home as your mother?

Step mom and bio father whom left when i was 12.and i didnt get back in contact with until i.was 19.

Not healthy in the least, and shutting up and isolating myself (though i heard them.talking to each other last night thinking i.was huffing again...im sure it sounded that way) but doing that isnt healthy either. But my dad and i do have therapy to do; and i need to release my anger towards him. He's 74 and stuck in his ways so the likely hood that he's gonna own his part in it is not likely; he keeps himself in denial to deal with it.

I havent had actual contact with my bio mom since i was 19 when i cut contact; a slight time on facebook trying to.see if she was still.ran by the cult beliefs and the answer is yes....so i blocked her. That was about 7 yrs ago right before i went into therapy.

When my step dad died, about a year, maybe a year and a half ago...my family wanted me at his funeral.(my therapist said no way).and still today jusges me for not going.

My dad and step.dad & my mom and step mom are often confused.cuz i dont use names as to not make it.so.easy for my family to google.me,.as they do and try to remain as safe as i can be on the net on here.

 

[The Albatross]

My own mother is in her mid 70's. I think I would re-examine the idea of therapy when they are at/nearing end of life.

 

[The Albatross]

It would assist me, but be a detriment to her. Just sayin'.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

It would assist me, but be a detriment to her. Just sayin'.

I know, i have. It wouldnt be a detriment to him but i know in order to deal with more info about my.past he's gonna deny it and im not sure i can deal with much more of that. Thats why im going through what i am alone.

Even to understand why i have triggers and how to not hit them (reading the big PTSD sourcebook i bought per my therapist asking me to if i could) is impossible for him and to him it just looks like i explode for no.reason and i need help w/ that, hense "me" in all of that..that its me and only me.

He still hasnt stop saying the things that bring the past to the surface...and i learned just how tender this shift is when i went to go take my dog out and he said "remember when we lived by [insert step dad's name]?" How can i foget? Even to talk about the "good ol days" not sure that was good for him either, mom was cheating on him with my later became step dad.

I was just trying to breathe, dont react, breathe, dont react...or at least what i was saying in my head, i got outside, shut the door, and had to brace myself and breathe for a bit.

Hopefully this hurt will get better as i dont know how in the hell i will be able to numb it as to not yell back at customers at work. Or deal with it so it doesnt show. Maybe the same way as i just did? At least today is good practice for tomorrow when i have to go back to work.

I got side tracked as to my entire point; after i deal with this alone, i want to be able to build my relarionship back up with my dad as much as i can.

 

[anthony]

and the "I'm bad" is too vague and too general to start with first.

You don't get to the peadophile part without going through what IS at the forefront. This is exactly what the process does, and why its done a certain way. You're clouded with conscious thoughts of "I'm bad", and the unconscious brain is harbouring the deeper issue.

There is much more being said here though which hasn't been touched. An example has now been laid to be followed and applied at the self level. There is years of work in distortions alone, based on the trauma type, let alone the trauma itself. Saying that, much of the trauma will also link directly with distortions, which is cult brain washing to begin with. Lies, lies and lies.

@lostforgottensoul you have a long way to go. You have an example now... use it and work hard. Use the community to bounce issues around to find the answers you may not be able to derive yourself. And your therapist... they will be the best face to face contact for you to dig into an issue you're working on.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

you have a long way to go. You have an example now... use it and work hard. Use the community to bounce issues around to find the answers you may not be able to derive yourself. And your therapist... they will be the best face to face contact for you to dig into an issue you're working on.

Yes i do! My therapist told my insurence therapist that i might need to be in therapy for life! Yikes! I think he said it to get them to agree to cover me for another year but still!

THANK YOU for your help! Running around this for yrs & yrs now, not knowing how or what to do but trying as hard as i can just to run in place.

I didnt want to claim that, at all, i think because knowing what i was gonna have to feel? Not wanting to believe it, was easier to blame myself.

It was safer to post it here than to be alone with it to at least get me to the other side of it. The posts was just the blame shifting once i keep saying that over and over and over in my head.

My therapist is gonna be VERY VERY HAPPY that ive been able to shift the blame! Blame on me then all of the "im bad" stuff is fueled. I know theres A TON more stuff but it all fueled everything, including my interactions here.

Its gonna be a tough road ahead; im hoping thats the highest concentration of pain im gonna have to feel? Dont know if i can go through that again and remain alive.

Now its about moving the grains of sand, debunking the cult beliefs; but until the blame shifted off of me i couldnt get to it.

Today its VERY tender so just poking around a bit trying to sit with it, let it settle w/o any rituals/punishments.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Ugh, my brain has been trying to move the blame back over all day and ive been doing pretry good at keeping where it belongs.

Until i got re-triggered on the exact same thing that started yesterday.

I self do rituals that were forced upon me as a kid. The cult beliefs still run my life UNTIL I can change that. Which im told by everyone that it is a tiny bit by tiny bit process. Not sure why everyone is expecting me to stop doing one over night because its immoral, ALL of the rituals are immoral thus why i have to punish which is my judgement on myself. I cant just stop one over night doesnt work that way!

 

[scout86]

Not sure why everyone is expecting me to stop

Everyone? Does "everyone" really expect that? I haven't noticed anyone HERE who seems like they expect that.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I haven't noticed anyone HERE who seems like they expect that.

Two to be exact.

I always generalize to "everyone"; about all negitive OPINIONS (just trying to remind myself thats what they are) of me.

My therapist says "i dont think that"...i say "everyone but you" lol

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Im sure theres more than two that take issue w/ it and THATS why i was scared to post it here but i thought that if i wanted to stop that then post it....for the entire internet to see when i already jusge myself so much more than anyone could.

Hense taking an excto knife down there after...

Still dont know if i should of posted it but in my defense, i didnt want to be doing this "secert" thing that only my therapist knew about. I posted it BECAUSE i want to stop it.

The 'wound' from.last night is still VERY fresh and tender and my brain is trying to 'protect' it i think. If blame foes back over than im this "crazy horrible person".

 

[scout86]

I think you should post what you want to post.

The thing is, language matters. When we say things like :"everyone" or "no one" or "always" or "never", if it's not really accurate, we tend to believe the words and react like it IS accurate. Those kinds of things are "cognitive distortions". It's a form of sloppy thinking and it can make things seem worse than they have to. I kind of think of it as a bad habit.

So, while you might FEEL like "everyone" thinks something, it can be helpful to recognize both the feeling exists and that it's not accurate.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I think you should post what you want to post.

The thing is, language matters. When we say things like...

I like this whole post! Thank you! I know my post reflect my thinking and visa versa. Thats why i stopped the conversation and reminded my that: my mother and step father are pedophiles pieces of shit whom made me have sex with dogs thus making it something i re-do later in life to make bad feelings go away!

I thought being retriggered over it and blaming being pushed harder over to me that was a good idea.

Xanax calmed it down so its not so hard to fight and i feel keeping blame where its supposed to be is gonna be a fight. One im determined fo win but so long as its this easy for it to move back over; maybe i need to fight that a bit so that i do go tailspinning at some point just to habe it move back over?