Gotta Keep It Inside

[bring em all in]

I have complex PTSD and am Bipolar. I'm on disability retirement and my wife has been very understanding and supportive. But my depressive moods and verbal raging upset and scare her. She tries, but she doesn't know what to say or do. Often now she says, "Oh, stop that," "Don't say things like that," "I don't want to hear that kind of talk," "Put a sock in it," "Don't feel that way," and "I don't know what to say to you."

I think she means well- thinking that tough love will shake me out of the state I'm in- but her mother's way of dealing with her daughter's problems is the same and it's very much a matter of her mother not wanting to deal with problems so she shuts it down.

If I tell my wife I had a rough morning and cried a lot she says that she guesses she can't leave me alone anymore. So I don't tell her now.

I feel guilty for sharing my emotions when she'd working so hard (ten hours a day) and I'm on disability retirement. I get angry with her for what I perceive as shaming me for my feelings and words.

I can fake happy and "normal" with the outside world but it hurts more faking it with her- but I feel I don't have the right to make her life more difficult than it already is.

So I hold it inside and feel more depressed and more raging inside.

Anyone else feel the need to "keep it inside" with family? Anyone else feeling shamed for what you feel and say? How do you deal with it?

 

[Justmehere]

But my depressive moods and verbal raging upset and scare her.

What are you doing to address these symptoms and behaviors that are scaring an upsetting her? Are you working with a trauma therapist or other supports to find safe ways and places to express what is going on inside for you?

Your wife isn't handling things well, and some of her comments are a bit demeaning, and that's not ok. It may be time to learn to set some boundaries with her hurtful words and tell her what would be more helpful for her to do.

At the same time, she is scared and in distress of her own. She's acting out too. She needs support too.

It's going to be very important for you both to learn skills to manage feelings and learn how to express them better so that it doesn't leave you both reacting to each other's ways of acting out so much.

I think she means well- thinking that tough love will shake me out of the state I'm in- but her mother's way of dealing with her daughter's problems is the same and it's very much a matter of her mother not wanting to deal with problems so she shuts it down.

What about helping your wife see a therapist? Then she can have more tools and be less co-dependently distressed when you are down, and support for her setting healthy boundaries with you when you rage.

If I tell my wife I had a rough morning and cried a lot she says that she guesses she can't leave me alone anymore. So I don't tell her now.

Ok, that's a bit passive aggressive to say - and pretty darn invalidating. I'm so sorry she said that.

Embedded in that is a lot of worry for you. Trauma therapists have to work a LOT on self care so that they don't develop symptoms of their own from working with traumatized clients and the intense emotions they can bring (and should bring) into the therapy room. Loved ones don't have the distance they do, and sometimes can be very affected and distressed about the pain of another.

It's not grounds to stuff it all and feel shame... it means that her reaction is somewhat about her. Not you.

I have a person in my life who at one point yelled at me to stop crying when I was in a place of deep grief. At the time, it felt so so so bad. I eventually learned that this persons "tough love" /stuff it approach had very little to do with me and was really about her inability to cope with how badly she felt to see someone else in pain. So when she couldn't stand crying, I would find support elsewhere and then talk to her about healthy options I could support her in learning how to be ok with others having emotions. It's got to be even tougher in a marriage, and that's where working together as a team would help a lot to come up with a plan of how to handle some of your symptoms. Then you and her can use those tools instead of resorting to you stuffing it and her pushing you away through becoming cold and insulting.

Acting out in rage is different. Anger is one thing, scaring people with rageful behaviors isn't ok. It's not on anyone else to stuff their own fear when someone is raging. Fear is a normal response to someone raging.

For you and your wife, the solution isn't for you to stuff anger, or for you to rage. It's for you to work on what you can control, and it's how you manage and express anger - internally and externally - and how she can learn new skills to manage boundaries, communication, and her own distress.

 

[bring em all in]

Justmehere:
Thanks for your thoughtful reply! I am in therapy (have been for quite a while), am on medication, have a daily meditation practice and a Saturday meditation group, and am reading Pete Walker's book on C-PTSD. I also do journaling on a nearly daily basis.

I've been torn between validating her experience and style of handling things and doing so for my own. In all fairness, she has childhood trauma of her own and needs help dealing with it. Some of her actions repeat what she grew up with. Hell, I scare myself when I verbally rage, so I definitely need to refrain from doing it around her. If I could just stop and take a breath and begin breathing meditation I know it would help. But when my brain catches fire I lose track of the things I could do that would be self-help. It's like I go internally postal. I guess I did something right today because I stopped and sat at the computer to post online. I've been feeling a bit calmer since then.

She was getting therapy but has stopped because I'm not working and things are so tight. We have 2 dollars to make it through until the end of the month. So financial stress is adding to both of our frames of mind. And I feel guilty and ashamed about that.

There just seems to be so much to dig through and out from under, and I don't feel very confident. It's unfair of me to think that she can do more than her share, and as I wrote she has generally been incredibly supportive.

Thanks for being a voice of reason and reminding me of things to think about (and giving me some new things to consider). It has been quite helpful- I'm so glad I found this website and this forum!

 

[Friday]

Anyone else feel the need to "keep it inside" with family? Anyone else feeling shamed for what you feel and say? How do you deal with it?

I stay with family about 6mo a year, for the past few years. Not in huge blocks of time most of the time, but a week here, few days there, etc. It just adds up. I would prefer to be several thousand miles away from anyone/anything I care about, but failing that, I stay away as much as possible. Including when I'm actually staying with them, I may only be sharing air / in the same space for a few hours during the week I'm there. & Yes. I don't tell them anything. They don't know about my PTSD. They don't know know what's in my head/heart or my days. They just think I'm an incompetent asshole. And that's okay with me.

 

[bring em all in]

I stay with family about 6mo a year, for the past few years. Not in huge blocks of time most of the time...

I can see how that would work in some cases, by my situation involves living with my wife, whom I dearly love. I appreciate what she is able to do for me- I just feel that sometimes my situation is too much for her and it's better to keep some thoughts and feelings to myself.

 

[watundah]

Sounds cheesey, but marriage is hard for normal people. Pile on all of our crap and it's surprising we can make it work.

It is always a take and give that is out of balance with trauma. My spouse has trauma and dysfunction in her past, too, but not PTSD. She has a severe medical disorder that rears its head from time to time that scares me and I have to deal with it. In a way, we both got short changed. Yet the more we learn, the more therapy, it does seem to be improving.

The fact that my wife knows trauma makes her more receptive to understanding me however, being private and resistant to true intimacy there is a lot I dont share. She is grateful when I do.

I am in therapy, she is in therapy. I am not always sure that both of us mucking thru our goo at the same time is a good thing. I do think she is very interested in helping me however she can.

Can your wife find a therapist who works on a sliding scale? Will she take time to read Pete Walker's book? Is it possible with your other means of support (therapy, group, writing, meditation) you can share less with her? She needs to practice self care, too.

 

[bring em all in]

Sounds cheesey, but marriage is hard for normal people. Pile on all of our crap and it's surprising we...

She's a bit of a workaholic (possibly to avoid her issues and mine at times). Actually, sometimes we seem more like housemates than a married couple, and that is something that disturbs me greatly- but things are tough enough already without opening that can of worms. Even when we had the money her participation in therapy was spotty. She spends most of her non-working time on Facebook so I don't think she'd read the Walker book. Which leads to my original post about keeping things inside- I don't want to taint what little time she is "present" with me. All of which probably contributes to my depression and anger, and on and on the cycle rolls...

 

[Justmehere]

You are taking a lot of great steps already. It makes sense why she is reacting like she is, and it's so tough. Her being on FB to the exclusion of more positive things is another flag that she's trying to escape and rather overwhelmed.

My heart goes out to you both.

Maybe the two of you need some fun light hearted stuff together as husband and wife. Things like a date night - a no cost walk to a park and a picnic (if it's warm enough.) That kind of stuff... I know it seems counter intuitive, but it might help her feel less like the world is weighing on her...? You might know better what she would enjoy. No phones allowed on kind of time together? Then maybe your lonliness will lessen.

If her being checked out around you is a contributing factor to the depression, then it seems like a good sign to seek out a little more time with relationships (friendships) to connect with while you and her work this out so you can both be more present with each other. That way you are more shored up for when she comes home.

Check out DBT skills if you haven't already. They might help you both. It's particularly good when trying to balance out dueling needs inside inside oneself and in relationships. There is a ton of free info online about DBT skills.

Might also be worth looking into how you set boundaries. Anger in and of itself is not bad - it has information for us. Sometimes anger signals a perceived/real threat, or that a boundary has been crossed, or that a trigger has come up and we need more tools to manage it... try to look at what is happening several steps prior to when the rage hits, and find a new way to communicate or express the anger so it doesn't have much to lead to implosion or explosion.

You have tremendous heart and compassion for her, and a ton of insight already into what's not working - and quite a bit of courage to face all this. I really hope you two can find a way through so that you can both get the connection and support you both need and want from each other.