Gotta Say Something

[Brian]

This is my first post here and maybe my last.

I got back from Iraq May 2009, I was ther for about 15 months.
I see plenty of army commercials talking about PTSD but I never thought I had it. Lately I have been wondering if I do.

I don't even know what to say, I just have to try to type what i'm feeling.
I rarely feel anything and when I do it's either guilt or anger. I don't feel guilty for anything I did but for things that happened to friends that maybe should of happened to me. People that were standing next to me one minute and then they just were gone.

I'm typing this to try to give a little bit of insight into the minds of your loved ones who may have the same issues as me.

I don't sleep.
I drink everyday, it helps me cope somewhat ... when I don't drink I feel worse. Don't get me wrong now everyday is this bad when I do feel this way it's really difficult.

Sometimes I have dreams that trigger everything in me to go haywire.
The other day I had a dream that I was choking and coughing up maggots, I woke up and had to check myself in the mirror to make sure I was just dreaming.

I constantly have dreams that I die in Iraq, in little Iraqi villages that I patrolled on a regular basis. Iraqi faces that I recognized and that hands that I shook everytime I went there. These people trying to kill me. Usually in my dreams they succeed.

Sometimes I am kidnapped and executed, my head sawed off by Iraqi's with a kitchen knife and the expression on the face of my severed head cringing in agony from the pain of them cutting my head off while i'm still alive.

The reason these dreams are so bad is because they feel so real. Especially the sounds. Most people don't understand how loud an IED is. It's deafening. There is nothing else in the world that I have witnessed that is that loud. Then after that sound there are always dead people.

Sometimes I hear a noise that sounds like an AK-47 going off, It could be anything. One time it was someone opening a door at a Burger King.

Well thats about all I got.

Oh one more thing, don't ever tell someone going through this that "you understand" because you don't, you can't, unless you have lived through it yourself.

 

[TLight]

No, I agree, they can't understand. They can't possibly understand the agony of PTSD.

Welcome to the forum and please seek treatment if you aren't already. This disorder does get worse without treatment and you can lose many good years of your life to pain and suffering. I know, I did.

Best of luck and stick around........

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

I have had so many people (in my personal life) tell me - I understand how you feel because blah blah happened to me. Then they follow with - but I got over it. I have wanted to slap every single person that has ever said that to me. Because when you have PTSD - you never get over it - but with treatment you can improve.

Welcome to the forum - I also hope you stick around. I know it's hard to reach out - but trust me - this place is full of people who have obtained PTSD from all types of traumas and it is safe - because we don't have to pretend that we are OK.

 

[anthony]

Hey Brian, welcome to the forum. I can definately tell you that I do understand what you're going through, as a veteran myself with 6 operational tours varying across countries, I went through some shit for a good many years before working out I had to help myself, fix myself, and that nobody else could do the work for me. It can be done, you can come out the other side of this, you just have to really want too, work hard and even when it all goes to shit, keep pushing forward regardless because you can live a better life with PTSD than what you are explaining right now.

 

[tryintobreathe]

Brian,

Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry you are going through this. You have found a wonderful place with lots of great people.

Jen

 

[Paloma]

Glad you found your way here, Brian. You survived Iraq...you can survive this. It will suck and then one day...not so much. You pull yourself forward one toe hold, one finger hold at a time. Eventually you are climbing out of the abyss. The world is brighter, the air fresher and sweeter because you, my friend, have been to the dark side. You are strong in all the broken places.
God bless and thanks for doing a tough job for us. Maybe think about calling your local Vet Center too.
Paloma

 

[CCurry]

Hi Brian,

I would never tell you that I understand but I can tell you without a doubt that my bf totally gets everything you said. He just retired a couple of years ago (spent 25 years in the US Special Forces) so he knows exactly how you feel.

He actually spent some time after he retired talking to the troops that were about to be deployed about ptsd and that was the one time in his life that he actually felt like he had this ptsd under control. Unfortunately he is not doing that anymore and so therefore he's having a difficult few months, my point is continue to post and talk about it because I think you may find some relief.

Most of David's flashbacks and nightmares are from many hand to hand combat situations, he can still see the horror in someone's eyes when they know they are about to die, he actually has this physical sensation of someone taking their last breath on his face. It's those many intimate kills that evoke SO much guilt he can't bare to face the day.

Hang in there Brian, you have ptsd but don't let ptsd have you!

C

 

[godhelpusoneandall]

Hi Brian, Like CCurry, I have never been in your position, so I can't say I understand, but my man was in Vietnam and he still has dreams that he is being killed. He says sometimes it is by a bullet, sometimes a knife and sometimes by choking. He says he can even feel the sensations of the bullet and knife and once to his horror he found he was trying to choke himself.

I am so glad you have come here. Just keep posting and reading and learning. I'm not so sure about professional help, actually. Personally, I think the best help you will get is right here, unless you can find someone who specializes in combat PTSD.

Talking and talking..letting it out. Knowing you are not crazy...You are a normal human being who was put into a horrendous situation, and this is how your mind and body are coping with these experiences. If you were not having these feelings and dreams, then probably you would be abnormal.

Take Good Care.
Kat

 

[2quilt]

Welcome to the forum, Brian. Look around this forum and you will find other veterans, like you and me, who have seen things that caused trauma. If you are now out of the military, I suggest that you apply for disability benefits from the VA, and go there to get psychological and medical help. At least you can get evaluated for PTSD and anything else that happened to you while on active duty.
I hope you stay with us; you are among friends.

 

[cragger65]

Welcome to the forum Brian. For whatever it's worth, I feel for you man.

 

[dutchieinPA]

Hi Brian,

Welcome to the board. I also hope you will stick around. There are many people here that are insightful and knowing you are not alone in your trauma has done wonders for me.

Susanne

 

[Grama-Herc]

I can't begin to understand how you feel or what you went through.

What I can do, however, is Thank You for your service to your country.