lilymagnolia
New Here
I am a student struggling with both PTSD and cPTSD. Right now, I’m having difficulty balancing graduate school, my assistantship (which pays my tuition), and my classes with a major mental health flare up.
I have had trauma-related problems since I can remember. I’ve never felt like I really belonged in the world of normal, well-adjusted people. However, over the past decade I have worked tremendously hard to break down the barrier between me and the rest of the world. I went from not being able to leave my house to excelling at my career. More recently, I went back to school and finished my bachelor’s degree with honors. I made friends in college, even as a slightly older student, and really thrived intellectually.
This year, I lost several family members unexpectedly. These deaths included my mother, who was the original source of my trauma (though we had been making steady progress towards something like a relationship). Just weeks after my mother’s death, I was accepted to the graduate program of my choice with a fully-funded assistantship. Despite my hesitations, I began graduate school this semester determined to make the most out of the opportunity.
Then came the flashbacks, the dissociating, the avoidance, the self-sabotage. Some of this was triggered by the stress of graduate school, some by realizations about my mother, and some from specific triggering situations outside school. The work I’m doing in school has suffered. I’m missing classes every week. I managed to find some modest resources on campus, and I’ve spoken with all my professors. I have continued seeing my therapist, of course. But things keep getting worse. I’m not sure whether or not to jump ship and drop out, or wait it out.
My gut tells me to run away, but I’ve built so much hope in my life that I don’t feel like I can stop now. But the more I push myself, the worse things seem to get. I’m beginning to resent hope itself.
Some of the more specific ways in which I’m struggling:
Anyway, if anyone has advice for how to cope with this stuff while in a high-stress job/degree program, please let me know. I can use all the help I can get. I’m not ready to give up just yet, especially with how hard I’ve worked to get here.
I have had trauma-related problems since I can remember. I’ve never felt like I really belonged in the world of normal, well-adjusted people. However, over the past decade I have worked tremendously hard to break down the barrier between me and the rest of the world. I went from not being able to leave my house to excelling at my career. More recently, I went back to school and finished my bachelor’s degree with honors. I made friends in college, even as a slightly older student, and really thrived intellectually.
This year, I lost several family members unexpectedly. These deaths included my mother, who was the original source of my trauma (though we had been making steady progress towards something like a relationship). Just weeks after my mother’s death, I was accepted to the graduate program of my choice with a fully-funded assistantship. Despite my hesitations, I began graduate school this semester determined to make the most out of the opportunity.
Then came the flashbacks, the dissociating, the avoidance, the self-sabotage. Some of this was triggered by the stress of graduate school, some by realizations about my mother, and some from specific triggering situations outside school. The work I’m doing in school has suffered. I’m missing classes every week. I managed to find some modest resources on campus, and I’ve spoken with all my professors. I have continued seeing my therapist, of course. But things keep getting worse. I’m not sure whether or not to jump ship and drop out, or wait it out.
My gut tells me to run away, but I’ve built so much hope in my life that I don’t feel like I can stop now. But the more I push myself, the worse things seem to get. I’m beginning to resent hope itself.
Some of the more specific ways in which I’m struggling:
- My discipline is both field-based and people-centric. I have one class that requires research design and implementation, meaning I have to be in the community, interacting with strangers to some degree. The project I originally designed (before things got out of hand) requires interaction with strangers and in places I’m not familiar with.
- Even in my other classes, I end up dissociating when the material becomes too intense. This happens frequently, as conflict zones, interpersonal struggle, and systemic oppression of various types are common classroom topics.
- I feel pressure to perform well, since I did my undergraduate at this institution and have a reputation for being a good student. I got a B on my last assignment and couldn’t get out of bed for days. I realize this is ridiculous, but it didn’t seem like it at the time.
- I have no time for grieving. And my grief is complicated by the number of people who recently passed (four in a period of two months) and my relationships to the deceased. I am also handling estate issues and trying to be emotionally supportive of my surviving family.
- When I’ve spoken to my professors, I’ve been selective about what I tell them. Most express shock that I am dealing with this, since they haven’t seen me struggle until now. I never know whether to play it down or let them know how bad things really are. I want to seem competent, but I also want them to know that this is an unrelenting struggle that so far is only getting worse.
- If I drop out of school, I will lose my assistantship and possibly my place in the graduate program. It may be possible to take a leave of absence, but I would still lose the funding. I can reapply for next year, but I think it’s unlikely that I’ll have the support if I fail now.
Anyway, if anyone has advice for how to cope with this stuff while in a high-stress job/degree program, please let me know. I can use all the help I can get. I’m not ready to give up just yet, especially with how hard I’ve worked to get here.
