Grappling With My Self Hate

[Tinyflame]

I think what @shell said about "I wasn't to blame, wasn't bad, defective, unacceptable" really hits much on the head.

I was thinking @Justmehere I guess beginning where you apologize to yourself for what you'd never say (or think) to a friend- or anyone else for that matter- could be a starting point.

I do see how it carries on where other stuff has left off. And yes, I guess 'investing in our own healing" is something we are trying to do, probably that very reason why it's so very difficult sometimes.

I really think it's wonderful, all you are accomplishing. :) :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Although I must say in trying to do this in my head, I personally find there are 3 categories: what was wrong and I've self-adopted (abusive words and judgments); what words (terms) that are not my own I recognize as part of an Internal critic, but for the life of me I can't recall who said them; and lastly the part of me that actually agrees with the self-hate. In my mind that part (that opinion of myself) does not have the explanation or the reason or the benefit of the doubt that others' have contributed to it. It's my judgment of myself, and based on evidencial facts and my own opinion of myself and seems justified.

 

[joeylittle]

My therapist has suggested small steps like just being gentle with myself, or being understanding of myself. Maybe those can be useful for you too. I hate myself so much - I really admire your ability to tackle it. It gives me something to reach for, knowing someone who is really trying to change it. Thank you!

 

[Justmehere]

@billie - I like the way you put it: an adventure! It feels like climbing an impossible mountain, but it is worth the journey to try. Thanks for the encouragement.

@shell – it is so encouraging to know this has become easier for you.

I still occassionally get bouts of suicidal thoughts that relate to self hate, although I have to be really badly triggered by someone hurting my feelings, and resort to self abandonment for it to happen.

I can so relate to this. This conversation and homework assignment with my therapist came up in a conversation where I was deeply rejecting myself on every level.

Although the issues of having to deal with the feelings that if I wasn't to blame, then I might have to feel something about what happened to me, have come up, for me all the tools I learnt from practising self compassion have made it easier for me to process those emotions without resorting to numbing as often.

This is exactly why my therapist wants me to do this – so that we can get past this and process the emotions and trauma more. I start to process, and then I shut down the whole process with self hate. It’s is miserable. It is so helpful to hear that the self hate was more destructive and hurtful than the pain of the trauma. I keep resorting to the self hate because it’s my last defense mechanism to hold the pain of what I have endured at bay – and my therapist keeps wanting me to let go and let myself walk through it all with her.

Your example is so helpful to me – thank you so much.

… lastly the part of me that actually agrees with the self-hate. In my mind that part (that opinion of myself) does not have the explanation or the reason or the benefit of the doubt that others' have contributed to it. It's my judgment of myself, and based on evidencial facts and my own opinion of myself and seems justified.

I am so with you on this. It’s been a source of argument with my therapist, and I’m beginning to see her point, a little. I have been reading along and benefiting from the thread you started about this. (for anyone who is interested: https://www.myptsd.com/c/threads/overcoming-self-hatred-and-its-relation-to-healing.40768/page-2#post-663624)

@ joeylittle – I’m sorry you struggle with this too, but it helps so much to know I am not alone on this journey! At least we can struggle together.

It's really helpful to be able to share about this here. It has helped me stick with it and not just give up when it has gotten hard - and it has been hard. I can't say I have made much progress with this yet. My letter has nothing but this:
"Dear (justmehere), "

I got nothing else! I can't honestly write "I'm sorry" - because I'm not really sorry.

But just idea that I may have to apologize to myself, something that feels fake or impossible, if I am hateful towards myself has stopped my negative self talk and self-hate in it's tracks more than a few times the past few days. Maybe that is a good small step forward. I will take any progress I can get! It has also made me much more sad. It's not been about any one thing in particular, but just sadness.

 

[Justmehere]

This is how the conversation with my therapist tends to go about this (this conversation and several others just like it have happened several times):

I told her about how was I was rude to a scheduling person on the phone.

My therapist points out that this person is a court clerk who was scheduling a very triggering hearing I have related to a crime I am a victim of. She points out it’s PTSD related.

I responded by telling her, “yes, ok, it’s PTSD related, but I was almost screaming at the guy who was just make a mistake, a simple error! I was rude and it was mean to him and it didn’t help anyone. I massively screwed up. I am a monster.” I further detail how OBNOXIOUS and rude I was… it was not pretty or ok…)

She then said, “yes, ok we have to keep finding ways for you to not do that, it’s not ok” and we talk about that for a short while. But… then my therapist goes back to the subject of my self-hate. “Ok, and back to how you respond to you. How did you respond to yourself after you screwed up with the court clerk?”

“I am a monster. I think good job (justmehere) you screwed up again. I hate myself.”

She then said, “ok… in a traumatized workplace or family system, if someone had done this to someone else in the family, I would say to them, ‘ok, you can’t do that,’ but I would also build a bridge to that person and hold them in the fold, keep them as part of the tribe. I would tell them I can tell they are hurting and I want to work together with them to solve the problem. I wouldn’t be abusive to them with self hate.”

I then told her, “but my self hate, it’s not abuse when it’s true. Plus, it’s my self hate that keeps me from getting further upset and screwing up again!”

She said, “exactly.”

I looked at her like she has LOST HER MIND.

She said “well, first of all, if the only way you can stop yourself is by hating yourself, we have to find other ways…” (which I can agree with)

And then she goes back to building a bridge to that aspect of myself that screws up. She tries to help me see her goal by talking about how I respond to children or teenagers when they screw up. Do I hate them? No. I do hate what they do sometimes, without judging the actual child or teenager to death.

But I get stuck there. Somehow, to me, when it is about me, the self hate I have is right and correct and justified.

I did screw up, and apologizing to myself for being mad and hating myself doesn’t mean ever saying that being a rude jerk is ok. It just means that when I screw up in life, there is a different way to respond to that screwing up other than with self hate.

Letting go of hating myself and telling myself, I’m sorry for judging myself as a monster because I was rude to a court clerk - It pushes me into using other ways to manage myself (and the pain of life) other than hate. It doesn’t excuse the fact that I was rude to the clerk. So far, it has oddly made it easier to go to the clerk in person and apologize to him too.

And it is making me feel extremely anxious and vulnerable and like I don't... almost like I don't have power... or something like that... It is so confusing. I'm having a hard time putting any words to it.

But now, I'm beginning to think my therapist is right… and yet, it is really hard to even see how she could be right. I’m really quite confused about it to be honest. (And my therapist and I have been more or less arguing for weeks about this very issue of self hate in regards to real mistakes and things I do wrong. She really is rather patient with me… )