Greetings

[Jadepnk]

Hi everyone. I was in the Navy for 6 years, and did two OIF/OEF deployments on the USS Enterprise in '06 and '07. I was Intel, so we provided a lot of support trying to find IEDs and dropping bombs... Though, most of the bombs we dropped in Iraq tended to be on houses & townhouses.

Before that in '05 I spent 6 months working the Predator missions with the AF as an imagery analyst. I spent a lot of hours just watching Iraqis and Afghanis (but mostly Iraqis), watching their houses and following cars and such, especially before raids. I guess I've sort of been having a hard time reconciling the times we were wrong, and the times watching the kids play outside, then knowing I bombed houses just like that. Way too many houses.

I think I was doing alright though up until me and my (then) fiance had a run in with a dirty plainclothes detective in Baltimore (who I initially thought was an armed crackhead) a year after I got back, in early '09. After that everything started to go downhill, started isolating myself, my relationship started getting more and more unhealthy and explosive, so on and so on. So yeah, after my relationship reached a breaking point, I finally went in for counseling with that and to my surprise (and initial embarrassment) they diagnosed me with PTSD.

So now I'm just goin through CBT and trying to get my life on track while I finish up my undergraduate degree.

 

[Jimmy1]

Good Morning Jade. Guilt is a powerful thing which will chew you up and spit you out, if you let it. A lot of guys on here have had those feeling and still do, myself included. The 'What If' game also comes into play.

Everybody wishes it was as easy as saying, I was just doing my job, but unfortunately it isn't. But you have to turn the guilt into regret. Sound silly, but it works.

The bottom line though is the fact that you were doing your job and that you were not the only one deciding where the bombs were going to fall, and if it wasn't you, then someone else would have done it.

There are so many stories on here that I have read where someone has opened up with their weapon because the only people meant to be around were the enemy and it has turned out to be an innocent civilian or child. All of us on here signed the dotted line and did our jobs professionally, be proud of that.

I also wish that I could tell you that a bit of CBT would cure you of PTSD, but I would be telling lies.

If you have any questions just ask.

Jimmy

 

[Jadepnk]

Thanks Jimmy. My therapist keeps telling me this, but it helps hearing it from another vet. And as far as CBT not being a cure, that's perfectly fine... I'm just hoping to be able to open the blinds once in a while and let in the sunshine ;)

 

[Jimmy1]

The hypervigilence and isolation still gets me at times. I have a man cave I escape to in those times.

The good news though is the bouts of these things will get further apart and last less and less.

 

[tho9900]

Jade took me a minute to post this after reading you and Jimmy's exchange... Guilt is a four letter word... one of my biggest issues.. different mode of getting it, same gremlin that is a bastard stepchild to a bigger beast (PTSD)

Take it slow here... feel free to open up... some people are really quiet, some people talk too much like me.. I spent since 86 not talking so a lot to get out.. there are some awesome people here.. Jimmy is one, you will find the others on your own..

Can't say you will not feel normal again.. there are times I do now (a lot more as time/therapy and friendships go on) but for a bit I felt like I was living in someone elses skin..

Good luck, welcome...

 

[CAFTT0607]

Jade
Welcome to the forum. You will find great people here and a lot of support. I know about guilt also...I think many PTSD suffers deal with that. It is a subject that my therapist and I are just now entering. I would say the one thing I've learned so far is that, in most cases, the guilt is not ours to own. The "not ours to own" is the point in which things change and I am just starting to grasp that concept. Good luck.

 

[Zipperhead]

Morning Jade.

 

[JarHed]

Hey Jade

Welcome to the forums. Great crew here.

JarHed

 

[Tim Cake]

Welcome...:D

 

[T^3]

Hi and welcome

 

[Jadepnk]

Thanks for the welcome and kind words everyone!

 

[RC135Linguist]

Sometimes I feel better after coming in here, reading and writing, while at other times I find myself drinking way more than I should after having been in here. Overall, though, it can be a good escape.