Grieving Later In Life

[Lady Elizabeth]

I lost my baby sister when I was two years old. She was nearly four months old and was napping on her tummy when she began to slip away from us. I was so young and I didn't understand what was going on at the time. I had dreams about that day for years before I knew that I was remembering, not just dreaming. I think about her almost every day. I walk out of my room, and on the way out I can look at her photograph.

Some days I feel like crying, but I cannot get the tears out of my eyes. The only time I can really cry, is if there is a sad show on tv or I hear a very sad song. I have somehow not allowed myself to feel anything; not even happiness or love. Her birthday was in June and that day I just sat around with a heavy heart, thinking about who she would have been. I think it was especially hard because she would have been twenty by now. I know we would have been such close sisters; I feel that deeply in my heart. I miss her so much.

I can remember a lot of details from that day. I can remember the nurse who wiped away the cupcake and icing off my face, and spoke so sweetly to me. I can remember that she had light to medium brown hair that was in an up do. I remember the cupcake was a vanilla cupcake and had white icing on top. I also remember looking at my sister in her baby bed. I stood on the railings of it and gazed at her. She had dark hair; so dark it looked black. There wasn't much yet. She laid on a white blanket, wearing only a diaper. She had her eyes open, and it looked like her skin color was becoming more pale. She looked right at me and I thought, "so pretty." I remember my older sister being in the room at some point, but I don't recall what she was doing. She later said she was the one who gave the cupcake to me. The funeral for my baby sister was a few days later, but I don't remember it. To this day, she doesn't have a grave stone. I'm hoping to purchase one for her one day. After twenty years, she deserves it. She should have had one by now.

Is it possible that I'm finally grieving?
Any advice on how to cope is greatly appreciated.
Thank you.

 

[Britt.f7]

Yes,it is possible you are allowing yourself to grieve. This is okay and what you need to do.

I was 7 when three of my friends died at the same time in a winter drowning accident. It happened two weeks before Christmas and for the majority of my life I would start feeling sad right before Christmas, never putting the two together. I was one of the last people to see them and they had wanted me to go with them. It took a therapist in my twenties to point out that I felt guilty over their deaths. I wasn't allowed at the funeral, but I did have to take their things home from school. This year, in therapy, they pointed out that every death since then brings up that grief and guilt all over again. I'm horrible with death.

I am hoping that I will finally be able to grieve for them through counseling. It has now been almost 40 years.

It is important to allow yourself to grieve. There is nothing wrong with this. Do what feels comfortable to you. It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. A two year old doesn't know how to deal with this. The adult you will. Just follow your instincts.

I wish you well.