Grooming? Or...what...?

[The Albatross]

Not necessarily a waste... a memory, an examination, a thorough hashing out and a decision. "No harm was done" and "Ultimately, it doesn't really matter". THAT's never a waste eh? ;)

 

[Suzetig]

I don't know hunk it's a waste to give some space to something that feels as new as this does. Rather than trying to really bottom it out, I sometimes find it helpful to just sit with something for a while, not turning it over in my head but popping it on a shelf in my head and not picking at it. Very often my feelings settle a bit and I become clear about the actual issues rather than getting caught up in how i, or other people, think I should feel.

The questions all sound reasonable and natural - give yourself some space to be human :-)

 

[barefoot]

I've been thinking a lot about denial, shame and blame/responsibility over the last few weeks in relation to some other stuff. I think that's maybe why I'm in overdrive trying to get clarity about who (if anyone) was wrong and to blame, whether I was "wronged" or stupid or whatever, whether how he behaved was ok or whether I am minimising/normalising/excusing him...
So, yes...I think giving everything some space probably makes sense. Thanks.

 

[talon]

Not sure where to post this or even why I'm posting, really.

My understanding of grooming is when an...

People get sexual gratification in many ways and what you relate I would confirm as grooming . Being made to feel special may be a part of it and whether on this occasion or in a future communication if it never actually ended in a sexual act is irrelevant. How it impacts on the individual will vary and some might innocently see it as nothing more than a event in their lives which may or may not leave a lasting impression. Often years later there may be distress or other emotions if this was ever revealed. There is real concern that children even in junior schools are now spending more time online than watching TV. Being aware of the signs is something I feel should be taught in schools

 

[barefoot]

So, it’s been 18 months since I started this thread...and I finally talked to my therapist about it yesterday! I’ve been meaning to share it with her at various points over the last year and a half...but then...just didn’t. I think because it’s been so confusing and I think I feel embarrassed - and probably ashamed, even - for getting myself into such stupid situations.

I feel relieved to have finally put it out there with her. I basically talked all session...detailed stories about all these teachers who I’d had a weird relationship with....there were four in total including the headteacher I wrote about in this thread. Hearing myself actually say it all aloud clarified some things, I think. I could feel myself wince as I said some things. And could hear myself being so quick to make excuses for the way they behaved.

T said these stories were a really useful context to our work and that they tied in with other things we’ve talked about recently to do with relationship dynamics and squiffy boundaries. And she thinks me taking on this role (a “victim” role, I guess - ugh!) is a pattern I have got caught up in for a long time and that she feels it is re-enactment.

I had experiences with a sexually abusive doctor when I was younger and I think T is suggesting that that and these relationship dynamics/boundary things (including the things with teachers) are linked.

I’ve always struggled with the doctor thing as I find it hard to feel that it was “that bad” - even though, intellectually, I can see that what he did was very wrong.

Four years of therapy...and I think I am maybe finally starting to properly realise that, when people abuse their position/authority, break our trust, have fuzzy boundaries with us and exploit us in some way for their own gain when we are young, it can have a long lasting impact on us...on how we feel about ourselves, how we view the world and how we do relationships etc. And this is probably very obvious to all of you here! But it does feel that something around that has more tangibly clicked into place for me just now.

Still no idea what to do with all this...it still feels like a total headf*ck and shame and anxiety levels are very high today! But I suppose it isn’t really my job to know what to do with it anyway...