I dont want to make this a "poor me" post, but I do want to express who I am by where Ive been.
From the age of 5-17 I was shuffled around in foster and group homes. My mother burnt down an abortion clinic and my stepfather was unwilling to care for me. The state of california in all of its wisdom, decided to place me in culturally diverse settings. I lived in ghettos. My peers were African and Mexican Americans. To them I was the odd looking descendant of slave masters, an object to scorn and ridicule, a loner, unworthy to be included or accepted by the group. I endured physical and verbal abuse daily, and learned quickly that it was better to stike first than to be struck. I retreated to my bible often, diligently searching for the reason why, crying out nightly to be saved from my surroundings. So I joined the military to escape.
As a calvaryman I spent 6 months In Iraq performing reconassiance and security. During the course of my duties I witnessed multiple instances of death and violence. I was shot at often, the snap and crack of bullets whizzing past my head was commonplace. The sights, sounds, and smell of blood and death horrorfied me. I was a dead man walking, afraid to die.
Currently, I relive truamatic events through nightmares and intrusive thoughts. Im either angry, depressed, or anxoius. Im anti-social, I cant emotionally connect with or express myself to my own wife. My children don't have a dad that interacts with them outside the home. I keep myself safely secluded within my box.
I must bring myslf to physcial exhaustion everyday through exercise and training to keep myself temporairly balanced within "the moment". I have tried 10 different meds, counselors gallore, but none of the established methods of treatment have helped, with the exception of alcohol. 2-3 times a month I get out to participate in competitive action shooting matches. Ive been using a visualization technique (which helps alot) during live and dry-fire practice, where I imagine enemy combatants attempting to attack me. It simply allows me to confront my fears without fear. Highly recommended to other professional soldiers struggling with memories.
Well, It is nice to have a forum to communcate to and learn from. Thanks for the oppurtunity to share. I have some visualization to do.
From the age of 5-17 I was shuffled around in foster and group homes. My mother burnt down an abortion clinic and my stepfather was unwilling to care for me. The state of california in all of its wisdom, decided to place me in culturally diverse settings. I lived in ghettos. My peers were African and Mexican Americans. To them I was the odd looking descendant of slave masters, an object to scorn and ridicule, a loner, unworthy to be included or accepted by the group. I endured physical and verbal abuse daily, and learned quickly that it was better to stike first than to be struck. I retreated to my bible often, diligently searching for the reason why, crying out nightly to be saved from my surroundings. So I joined the military to escape.
As a calvaryman I spent 6 months In Iraq performing reconassiance and security. During the course of my duties I witnessed multiple instances of death and violence. I was shot at often, the snap and crack of bullets whizzing past my head was commonplace. The sights, sounds, and smell of blood and death horrorfied me. I was a dead man walking, afraid to die.
Currently, I relive truamatic events through nightmares and intrusive thoughts. Im either angry, depressed, or anxoius. Im anti-social, I cant emotionally connect with or express myself to my own wife. My children don't have a dad that interacts with them outside the home. I keep myself safely secluded within my box.
I must bring myslf to physcial exhaustion everyday through exercise and training to keep myself temporairly balanced within "the moment". I have tried 10 different meds, counselors gallore, but none of the established methods of treatment have helped, with the exception of alcohol. 2-3 times a month I get out to participate in competitive action shooting matches. Ive been using a visualization technique (which helps alot) during live and dry-fire practice, where I imagine enemy combatants attempting to attack me. It simply allows me to confront my fears without fear. Highly recommended to other professional soldiers struggling with memories.
Well, It is nice to have a forum to communcate to and learn from. Thanks for the oppurtunity to share. I have some visualization to do.
