Guilt, Shame & Depression Run My Life

[Anazo]

I believe I may have some form of PTSD or so I have been led to believe. Things that make me feel shameful are past actions and I fear I am inherently evil. I have children now and a loving husband but I fear I don't deserve them. I have no idea if I was sexually abused other than a very vague memory from when I was very small, I wasn't a happy child for a lot of my life. Very anxious, nervous and scared of being bad / doing wrong. Always wanting to please and be "good". I believe I was depressed for much of my teens but nobody knew / recognised it. I have no idea if I am inherently bad and good at hiding it most of the time or if I really have PTSD. I've been diagnosed with depression & anxiety disorders but not officially with PTSD and I have constant guilt and intrusive thoughts about past actions.

I was in a stable relationship between 18 & 20 but when I broke up with him I went off the rails completely. I slept with loads of guys, smoked dope, took ecstasy and speed and drank far too much. I was diagnosed with depression between aged 21 & 22 but it was never dealt with properly and my I only took meds for like 2 months. My parents were really useless, my dad kept asking why I felt like that and my mum said why couldn't I just pull myself together. It definitely got worse after that, drinking, sex, drugs and out of control behaviour. I hung out with a group a few years younger than me and I slept my way through that group. I just felt so down and out of control. I contracted crabs and I also got a genital wart as I regularly didn't use protection. Looking back I was just so unhappy. Somehow I managed to get a degree and go on to do a masters. I met my husband after the Masters and I can honestly say he saved me. I have told him everything and he still loves me. No idea why but he does.

When I feel as bad as I do now the things that really make me feel sick me are various things during my childhood where I was definitely acting out including:

• Experimental kissing and touching breasts of my best friend who was a few months older than me at aged 11. I suggested trying it out because I'd read a book called Princess Daisy (way inappropriate for my age) that I'd stolen and hidden from my mother. For years I worried that someone would find out about this and discover I'm a pervert. The same friend and I tried to pull her younger brothers pants down to get a look at his penis, we made him cry which haunts me. We also got in trouble in school for playing doctors & nurses with a younger girl. I was terrified of being in trouble and what people subsequently thought of me. I think a few mothers even said we weren't allowed play with their kids. That stuck with me for years.
• Experimental touching with my brother who is just under 3 years younger than me. This happened a few times between ages of like 11 and 17. I've asked my brother if he remembers and he says no. I get on fine with him although he lives on a different continent. He has never brought it up again and thinks all of this stuff is my mind blowing it out of proportion.
• Playing games with my younger sister (approx 8 years younger) when I was 11, it involved her pretending to be my lamb and me breastfeeding her. I also asked her about this and she was like "so what, I don't remember and you have no need to worry about this"
• Playing games like doctor (all around age 11) with all three siblings and getting them to kiss my breasts. I probably made them not tell as well which makes me feel really bad.
• Offering to show my breasts to my friends sibllings when I was 13 / 14, they were probably 5 & 7 years younger. Have no idea why I would have thought that is ok but I know I told her brother that I'd say he was lying if he told. I feel so ashamed of scaring him like that.
• Was in a situation where I stayed for a period of time with a bunch of hippy types, they did a lot of naked bathing and swimming which totally freaked me out. I was hanging out a lot with a younger girl, maybe 6 years younger, and one night we went home from the adults skinny dipping and we did some touching. Again I told her about lesbianism and stuff and we kinda tried bits out but I think I called a halt as I wasn't comfortable. I found her number about 10 years ago and called her up to make sure I hadn't scarred her for life. She said she didn't even remember it and was absolutely fine. I on the other hand have never been fine since recovering these memories. I would not be happy if my 10 / 11 year old daughter was in bed with a 16 year old and doing that kind of stuff.
• I have a memory of 2 small girls of my mums friends (aged 3 & 5) who kept following me around into my room and saying they could touch my breasts. I think I said they could look at / touch my lower half but then I panicked when they went to do so and said no get out etc. They told their mum they saw my boobs and she said I shouldn't act like that in front of smaller kids. I was mortified and devastated. Swore I would never be nice to kids again and tried to avoid them wherever possible. I spoke to her about this probably 7 years ago and she said she didn't remember it and that her girls are fine and they only remember me being nice to them. I'm unconvinced that I haven't scarred them for life.
• Once when I babysat my friends daughter, she was under 1 and breastfed, she wouldn't stop crying and I tried everything and then tried to breastfeed her. I have no idea why I thought that would work and I feel sick about it. I've told my friend about it, her daughter is now 19, and she was like well in fairness it was a fairly sensible idea given she was a breastfed baby. She said her daughter is fine ( I see the daughter all the time and we get on well) but I can't get past my guilt.
• There are a few other vague memories where I clearly reacted / spoke in an inappropriate way around small girls particularly. This seemed to interest the therapist who suggested I had PTSD.
• I also think I was kind of mean, angry / cross way to children as if that would keep me safe from them or something.

I should add that I am in a stable loving relationship for 16 years, I have children and I repeatedly confessed these things to my husband, doctors, friends and I am TERRIFIED of giving wrong message / doing wrong thing around children. I often think children don't like me, that they think I'm weird and I'm always worried my own children will find out about these things and hate me for them. I'm so disgusted and ashamed when I remember these things I did in the past. I am afraid all the time and maybe some of you believe I should be? I know I think I deserve to feel this bad when I remember all the bad things I've done.

 

[Gecej]

It almost sounds as if you are trying to get people to say how horrible you are. Is that possible?

I had a step daughter who I am certain was molested. She was sexualized VERY early in life by her mother and her father didn't take notice. By sexualized I mean that she was encouraged to wear high heels, wear long fake nails, short skirts etc. It drove me mad. It was such a battle because it seemed like she felt like her sense of worth (or unworth) was based on her sexuality. There was never a time that I felt it was her fault. That laid soundly with her parents.

 

[Anazo]

I feel that horrible, I really do. I am back on valium after a few years of doing well. I'm afraid to leave the house in case someone says look there is that awful woman who pretends to be such a good person and she is such a FAKE. I feel truly horrible at the idea I may have hurt or harmed someone by my actions. I am terrified that I will be punished and another part of me feels I need to be punished.

 

[Anazo]

The other thing I should add is that when I think of these things I cannot understand why I would act that way. I am not attracted to children, I have no desire for children, I feel fear at the idea of acting in anyway inappropriately around children. I love my own children but I'm bewildered and disgusted by myself. I know when I remember the things I always remember how ashamed & disgusted I was at the time and how it felt like it was someone else doing such awful / stupid things. Then when I say this I'm afraid it is me trying to excuse myself..... it is wearying and horrible and I'm unable to interact with my own children at the moment because I feel so bad.

 

[Jalibo]

I am TERRIFIED of giving wrong message / doing wrong thing around children. I often think children don't like me, that they think I'm weird and I'm always worried my own children will find out

Again, im going to teply without reading any replies (very fast as i have to get in the shower for work) but most of this stuff is partley normal kids playing doctor/experimenting and partley, likely, a sign of earlier sexual trama. Now, here is my story, if you want to read it https://www.myptsd.com/threads/my-story-me.58064/ but what i did leave out is at age 14, i molested a 10 month old little boy, one time, actual sex attempt, for about 5 mins, put him back in the playpen and went to go throw up. I am now 34 almost 35; that has never happened since nor have i have ever even had a thought of doing that since (only my therapist knew that so im putting myself out there and trusting people; i did that due to what was happening to me at the time). The point is, yes you should get some therapy and heal whats might be supressed as it still needs to be healed; BUT, fearing you may hurt a chuld or that someone would hate you over it; if they do that person has no conpassion at all for someone that was likely sexual abused at a very early age. I dont think you have much to worry about but if you dont want to tell anyone else but your husband, thats fine but i would seek therapy and tell them all of this.

Sorry to cut this short but have to get in the shower.

 

[Anazo]

Thank you for sharing this with me. It makes me feel so much less alone. I really think I need to work this all through properly with a therapist and have some closure for once and all. Thank you again for trusting me with that secret.

 

[Uwozoh]

Thank you again for trusting me with that secret.

You're welcome (not sure if you were talking to me but you're welcome anyway lol) i didnt realize this was annouymous, or i wouldnt of posted a link to my story; sorta takes the annoymous out of annohmous but i trust these folks understand that i did what i did due to what was happening to me (though i still have massive guilt and still hate myself over it) but my entire point is that ive never had a thought to do that again since; never even a small tiny thought and i say children are safe around me even though at 14 i molested, an actual a sexual intent, a 10 month old baby boy (poor guy, hope i didnt cause issues for him later in life, only did it 5 mins once but still) then as long as you've never thought of children in that way as an adult then you have nothing to be terrified over ;)

 

[Anazo]

You see this is where I feel really terrible, I did act out a few times around children in my early 20's. I got pregnant with my first baby when I was 26 and I remember during the pregnancy fearing social services would take him from me if they found out what a terrible person I am. Then I had him and my worries morphed into obsessions about dying and never seeing him growing up. I was diagnosed with post-natal depression and basically medicated so the fears were dampened down. I was always anxious around other parents in case they thought I was parenting wrong or would report me to social services as they would somehow "know" I was this monster. It got worse after my second child and I handed myself into social services as I was convinced I was some sort of evil being and I needed to be punished. I was hospitalised but not before I had called every helpline I could find where I confessed all that I could remember and was told by one woman that I was a child abuser. I was suicidal and couldn't believe I was an abuser, it was (is) abhorrent to me. Again medication dampened it all down but I was hypervigilant for anything I said or did that could be misconstrued as inappropriate or indicate I fancied children or would harm them. After my 3rd child I lost the plot completely by the time he was 6 months old, I remembered more incidents and this time remembered the couple of incidents I mentioned last in my OP. I was bereft, immobilised with guilt, shame, horror, disgust and bewildered by my actions. I couldn't move, couldn't eat or sleep without drugs and eventually I was hospitalised again. Medication helped but this time I knew it wasn't enough and insisted on CBT. I saw one just once and she mentioned the PTSD. The next CBT therapist was ok but it took me working stuff out myself to get the diagnosis of OCD and we never really went into the PTSD stuff. I genuinely believed that I couldn't have PTSD, I was largely functioning, I had a good education etc etc. However, I definitely did / do have OCD as well as depression so I also paid privately for Skype sessions with an OCD specialist. The ERP work helped with the obsessional thinking and compulsive mental rituals but it hasn't dealt with the guilt and shame and belief I'm a monster. Now I need to deal with this if only to allow me to be a present mother for my children. I hope the knowledge that I was an adult when I last acted this way doesn't make you sympathise any less because I can honestly say I am disgusted by myself.

 

[Dulom]

You see this is where I feel really terrible, I did act out a few times around children in my early 20's. I got pregnant...

Gotta love (or hate) self loating (self hatred) i have that bad as well, i hate myself more than anyone ever could and i understand (though i was brai washed to believe so) no matter how many people you that you arent innately bad or horrible; thats what you feel ot believe therefore it doesnt how much people say tou arent; you believe you are, this my advise for a therapist. I dont know what a CBT is (im in the states and with the word "mum" i know you arent) but im guess thats a therapist where you are. Also because it can be dangerous to self diagosis anything but especially mental disorders. Although I did self diagnois Borderli e Personality Disorder but that was because i had every single symptom of it but one but now i have a clinical diagnosis; the Geneealized Anxiety Diaorder didnt shock me but PTSD did. I NEVER thought of PTSD as something abuse victims/suiviers had; thought of it as a combat only thing. Now i have a possible but not yet diagnosis of attachment disorder and possible but very mild DID but doubtful; but a lot of the time, the labels of these disorders can do more harm than the disorder themselves so my therapist is working withe on the PTSD only as most of my symptoms are included in that and sometimes me toons BPD but mostly je stays away from the lables. Only you; working along with a therapist, can convenince you that you arent a "horrible person". But what you did or didnt do at 20; you were on drugs (im also a clean addict) and that can cause hightening of things we wouldnt normally do off of them. Do you have thoughts of molesting or having sex with children? Do you have thoughrs of hurting a child or anyone? If thats a no you are FINE. If its a yes, seek help but still not innatley bad. Either way; tou should seek a therapist to talk to. And most of these "thoughts" seem OCD in nature to me but im not a therapist and also dont know whats supressed memory wise

 

[Ajosu]

Sorry for all the typos, im on a phone trying to hurry cuz im at work. Hope you can make out what i was trying to say as it wont let me correct it cuz its annoymous. Sorry :facepalm:

 

[Anazo]

CBT is cognitive behavioural therapy.

I wasn't on drugs per se but I was drinking a lot and would take drugs when they were available. I can't say it was the drugs or drink that caused me to behave this way. I'm pretty sure I was drinking a lot because I was so bored and unhappy and really wanted someone to be my boyfriend and love me. I always just wanted someone to love me and yet the only way I could seem to gain any affection was by having sex.

I can't excuse my behaviour because of drink / drugs and I did know it was wrong or I wouldn't have been so upset / disgusted afterwards. I can't explain why or how it happened, like it was this kinda craziness for a moment or two and I so regretted the action immediately afterwards. I know I apologised to two of the children because I think I said oh don't tell and I knew that was so wrong. Poor kids were probably utterly confused by this crazy adult crying and apologising and saying they should of course always tell. In both of those situations I told a version of what happened to the moms and this makes me feel bad because I wonder does that mean I really was a manipulative abuser trying to cover their ass or was I just scared and trying to make some sort of sense out of it.

I fear being around children I don't know, I fear doing the wrong thing, I am terrified that looking at my own children and thinking they are beautiful means I want to harm them. I know I don't and I know I don't want to but I still fear it. I am afraid to volunteer with children's groups or act interested in children in case I seem to be grooming them or wanting to do bad things. The fear is eating me up and destroying me. Today I haven't even gotten dressed and I have ignored the world outside these fears and thoughts. I want to be happy but I'm afraid I don't deserve to be. I feel like a fraud, a hypocrite, an evil monster.

 

[Hura]

I am not attracted to children, I have no desire for children, I feel fear at the idea of acting in anyway inappropriately around children.

Listen to your own words "IM NOT ATRACKED TO CHILDREN" "I HAVE FEAR" "I DONT KNOW WHY I DO THIS" (i do t undeestand why i do or think the things i do or think either) but people that GROOM children dont feel BAD about it or FEAR it and they also have an ATTRACTION to children. You are over thinking this in a major way and it will get worse (the over thinking, the "im innamtely bad" etc if you dont seek therapy or a counselor to talk to; i avoid it for 10 yrs and i had to resupress and renumb things with drugs and cutting). If you dont havw an ATTRACTION to children then you are WAY over thinking it!