General Guilt Trip?

[ShayShay]

Quick question...

Do any of you get the "guilt trip" when you want to do anything for yourself? Something simple as going to lunch with a friend? I'm finding it hard to just get to leave the house alone.

Thank you for your responses.

Shay

 

[Sweetpea76]

Is it him wanting you to always be around?

 

[ShayShay]

Yes, I think so. He still doesn't like doing ANYTHING without me. I made the mistake when he got home to really baby him and now he's so co-dependent on me he practically doesn't eat unless I feed him.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Wow. You must be very comforting for him. It's nice that he likes you around so much, but it much be a little too much togetherness at times, especially for military spouses who are used to their alone time lol.

Does he have any buddies or family around to hang out with? Or maybe you can do something while he is distracted. Is he a sports fan or a movie buff? Maybe you can run out and have a quick bite with a friend while he's watching a game or something? If it's an anxiety thing maybe you can text him and check in every so often until he gets used to you being out without him.

You have to have some "me" time too, or you are going to wear yourself out. Either that or smother him with a pillow while he is sleeping! ;)

 

[ShayShay]

Yes when he came home it was a huge culture shock for me. I was always on the go with friends and family. I haven't actually had a night out with friends in over a year now.

He has completely rejected any friends he had here and actually lost both parents while deployed so he really doesn't have (or want) anyone else. He loves sports and movies IF I go with him. He has a hobby with action figures and comics but for some reason thinks I'm always mad at him for messing with them.(I'm not) If I leave for just a few minutes and my phone starts blowing up.

I took off work for the last 6 months because it was virtually impossible to go anymore and I REALLY need to get back to work and I'm totally freaked out that it's not going to work. Sometimes I just feel so trapped... :(

 

[nursenurse]

You have to get out, you have to let your "Baby" grow up, lol, and you cannot feel guilty about it. What is he doing for himself? only he can make the changes, you can only support. Life as you describe it will wear thin, and you will end up resenting him instead of loving him. That is not healthy for either of you. And I can only imagine the bills are piling up. My Ma used to say "love flies out the window when the bills come in the door."

Is he getting any counselling? Are you? Sounds like you may need counselling apart, and some together. You going out with friends, or having a job is not a rejection of him, but something you have to do for yourself. You may not end up going out as much as you did while he was away. That is a given. But you still need a support system for yourself. You are both perhaps co-dependent, and you may be enabling. Get some help for yourself, encourage him to do the same.

 

[ShayShay]

I really am trying to let him grow up. I got myself stuck in this enabler position and need to step out.

He has been in counseling for about 5 months now and it has helped but I think he thinks he's a lot better than he is. He is on terminal leave till Sept 1 then goes on full retirement. Having him away from the base has helped. He refuses to set foot back on it as of now.

I'm actually looking forward to going back to work just to get out for awhile. We are lucky however that the bills haven't been an issue and won't be for another couple months when retirement pay kicks in.

I would really like to find a support group for myself here too.

Shay

 

[Sweetpea76]

Have you sat down and talked with him about this? Maybe you guys can set some goals together, like him spending some time alone at home while you go out for one hour. Eventually you can bump it up little by little until you can work a shift without him panicking.

 

[nursenurse]

Good for him being in counselling, I am happy that you are recognizing the good so far. It can be so difficult to see the good when there seems to be so much hitting you from the sidelines. Do find some counselling for yourself, it is clear you love him, but you need to get on with life too. You can be a bit more independent and still be so supportive. Good luck!

 

[erasreyes]

YES! I do get out on my own occasionally and then I end up 'paying for it' by getting the evil eye, silence, or hostility. It's incredibly frustrating.

 

[ShayShay]

I understand that!!! It makes leaving really stressful and hard to enjoy anything because I'm always thinking about what the reaction/consequences will be when I get home.

 

[dayglo]

Wow. I have EXACTLY the same thing.

Take my advise, you need to figure out how to stop it as soon as possible. I didn't, and when I tried, it was a major major issue which I still have not resolved. Anger, hostility, calls when I am out about some emergency, etc.

And now I need some surgery which is sending my wife into an absolute panic.