Absolutely. I was having this exact feeling tonight: I baby-sit for a family I'm really close to (we consider each other family). My "aunt" is probably the person who knows more of my secrets than anyone, but I'd only told her things after knowing her 10+ years. She's had problems in her origin-family/life and she's the one person who convinced me (talked me through a breakdown) to try another psych after giving up on therapy.
The thing is: I still struggle with feeling bad (not sure of a better word) about if she notices I'm having a difficult day (even though she has bad days too), and if she understands/remembers what I've told her I struggle with (mainly having enough people energy). I struggle with this, even though I have talked to her many times about if she worries about leaving her kids with me (if I seem withdrawn), but she's always told me to not worry, etc etc and that she knows I'm great with kids, because of how excited they are to see me.
It's just stupid, because it was awkward tonight, but my "aunt" gave me a hug because I probably looked stressed out...but I still worry if she remembers things I try to explain (why I'm so weird with people/mainly adults), and if she gets irritated from every time I look like I don't want to be there (I do: their house IS my "home").
I just hate pity or feeling like I'm asking for pity, even when she and her family ASK me to join them for the holidays and I WANT to join them. I'm not even sure I've explained it enough? Mostly: I wish I had known this family earlier in my life, because things might have turned out better and we might not be so awkward.
I don't like putting people in a place to be my "keeper" (for lack of better word), and I don't like to impose and think "what is they're just being polite?". But how have I known people for ten years and I still feel like I shouldn't "inconvenience" them??? I wish I could accept an invitation without feeling guilty! :unsure:
Story of my life.
