Had A Blow Out At Dinner

[Nighthawk]

I am really weepy emotionaly cracking and have been falling down for a while now. I have tried to combat the depretion from sucking me down but I am losing this fight horribly.

I went to dinner on Monday night with an aquaintance who mentioned a mutal aquaintance that has cancer and continued with empathy, sypathy and loads of concern. I freaking cracked. I went off at her and I said something I most likely should not have. To anyone that has faught cancer please don't take this personally.

I live with a very painful chronic illnes that is destroying my body and I am so sick of people only paying attention to cancer. Id reather have cancer as at least it is a disease I could try to fight and win. And if I lose that fight at least I know it will finaly be over.:Cry: I was angry seathing and vey ratteled. I wish I did not say these things even if it is my veiw.

I know my responce is patialy due to my depressed state. I cant take it back.

 

[ealiza]

I think a lot of people can relate to that and/or have done something similar. I used to wish I had cancer instead of my mental illnesses simply cause it's something others understand, cares about and shows sympathy for. No one tells you to just get over cancer. It must be even worse for you, since you do have another painful chronic illness… Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in feeling or saying something like that.
Take care, I hope you feel a little better soon.

 

[scout86]

Bad as cancer can be, I can see how there are things that could be worse and how you said you feel makes perfect sense to me. And, you know, those of us who are lucky enough not to live with chronic debilitating illnesses probably tend to take to for granted. Cancer is an easy target. It's dramatic. And, like you said, there's tends to be a straightforward fight and you either beat it or you don't. (I know a few people where it's more of a chronic deal, but that's not what we usually think of.)

I think you deserve forgiveness for speaking your mind and, if you'd said that to me, I'd have thanked you for opening my eyes to something I hadn't thought of. (And thanks for reminding me of something I don't think of enough.)

I cant take it back.

Saying things we regret comes with the territory of being human. Hang in there.

 

[Nam]

NH, I understand. I've written it numerous times in my journal that I wish this was cancer. Then maybe I'd get some help? Or people would care? Maybe getting a freaking appointment wouldn't take two months? Or we have to battle to get meds? Sigh....

I'm sorry that you blew..but also kind of glad. People should know. How are they to know if you don't say? If you get a chance and want to, apologize and see what happens. At that point, the ball is in her court.

 

[The Albatross]

It is hard to remember during social times that what is being said are "social things" and sometimes I can and do take them personally or view them through the context of my own experience. But I think I'd take a hard look at emotional regulation Nighthawk. There is a big difference between thinking them, or discussing them and going off on somebody.

 

[Nighthawk]

@The Albatross my regulator is curently broken in many ways. Trying to do a repair not working so well.

 

[The Albatross]

Understand completely. Becoming aware of problem areas can have some unpleasant consequences. I don't like it when it happens to me one little bit. Take it as a lesson learned, maybe offer the apology or a discussion... and realize that it isn't anything to do with the content of your character... it's the PTSD or depressive aspect and perhaps how you've been feeling physically that bubbled over into the dinner and on your friend.

But... I know I have to set my head before events... even lunch with a friend... first. Less unwanted situations and consequences if I do.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I understand. I've had the deadly disease wish, too.

I know I've complained about it on the forum before.... SO much support is thrown toward cancer survivors, cancer research, cancer fundraising... I'm not saying this in and of itself is bad. It is just frustrating because PTSD is very much a silent disorder in that you can't look at a person and see their suffering. Nobody knows what goes on inside of us unless they not only have PTSD but are at a similar severity level (or have been in the past).

Ya, it sounds horrible, but I don't do the breast cancer support thing. I don't wear the pink ribbons. I don't own anything with a pink ribbon on it, I don't support the walks. (I realize now I sound totally horrible....) There is just something about the whole concept that doesn't sit well with me. The "save the tatas" bumper stickers actually make my stomach turn. I honestly wanna see the male counterpart...."save the schlongs!" (Not quite right, but you KWIM.)

I know it sounds horrible to say "where the hell is my support" but yeah, "WHERE THE HELL IS MY SUPPORT?!?!?!" I think we all want love and support, and when we don't get it because we don't have the "in" disorder/disease/whatever, it really does hurt.

 

[Friday]

I'd rather have PTSD than cancer, at least with PTSD, my life is in my own hands. Bit of a control freak that way ;)

I have friends in oncology... When ObamaCare went through? They threw a party. Huge, massive, clinic wide party. Before that, as many as 40% of their patients lost their insurance (because they had cancer they lost their jobs, no jobs no insurance, no insurance no treatment, no treatment their very treatable cancer killed them). A lot of our mortality and morbidity stays are going to change in the coming years. It will be interesting to watch.

You're not wrong, @Nighthawk to be hurting. You're not wrong to be at the end of your rope, and frustrated, and tired. You said something you regret. A teeny tiny piece of your pain got dripped on someone else. You can tell you shield people from that reality, by how strong you've reacted to it (and maybe them, also?). You're careful with people. Maybe this wasn't the best time & place, but maybe while this was an unwanted thing, it was also a necessary thing. Too much to shoulder on your own, and something is gonna give. Maybe they'll be strong enough to help you carry it. Maybe they won't. But it sounds like you need someone around who is.

 

[sun seeker]

I totally get what you are saying. I've thought similar things, but kept them to myself. A friend died of cancer about a year ago and I still miss her, but in her last days I remember feeling... not jealous exactly, but wistful? Talking with her about where she was going, wishing a little bit that I could go too. And seeing all the people supporting and caring, who aren't supportive of a person with a mental illness because either they don't know or they feel uncomfortable and wouldn't know how. Not that I wish for an illness like cancer, at all. But the removal of the stigma, that I long for.

 

[jaccat]

I don't know why but I find the amount of focus on cancer too much at times. Like the support you see on Facebook, people sharing and liking posts that go viral, and I think why? But then I think the cancer charities are so well known they easily get the bulk of support. I work for a company which has it's own cancer fund, and it holds a charity season to raise money every year, which then gets donated to a well known charity. All good, but other charities they support get one day, as opposed to the three months (and collection of branded merchandise) of the other. They have no chance of competing.

 

[Nighthawk]

As far as cancer goes I was misdiagnosed with fatal cancer going on 5 years ago so this all hits me in more ways than I can verbalise. A trigger all on its own.