ms spock
VIP Member
"Remember the golden rule: do not try and give something that you do not have yourself yet!"
This is one of my problems. I try to give what I don't yet have. For me it is a reenactment of that time when I was trying to save my sisters and brothers from the viciousness of my mother and father. The beatings, the humiliations, the physical abuse, the emotional abuse, the sexual abuse, the cruelty, the watching my father beat the dog with a chain, trying to suffocate a younger sibling in a garbage bin and so forth.
I ran away from home when I was 15. The man who donated the sperm who I came from and the woman that donated the egg that I came from were at their manical best. He was threatening to kill us all. She was punishing me for the sexual abuse that she had been party to all my life.
Every year people would say to me - it will get better. Unfortunately the nightmares, the panic, the disassociation, the lack of sleep, the flooding of anxiety, the uncomfortability in my own body haven't got better. The panic attacks, the lack of a life and a job don't get better. I can be high functioning for periods of time and then fall apart.
I need to get well enough to get treatment, to get work to get treatment and I need treatment to get well enough for work. I have been stuck in this place for about 25 years on and off now.
We had community health centres in the Illawarra I was able to see my psychiatrist twice a week at that point. Mental health services were closed down. Now withe medicare I can see this woman 18 times a year. Three lots of six appointments. For someone who needs two appointments a week, once a fortnight or once every three weeks is not working for me.
I can't brush my teeth because of the flashbacks. Going to the toilet is hard for the same reason. Going to sleep is scary and waking up is scary.
I feel so ashamed that in public I can hold it together and do some great environmental or community projects (got $20,000 for the incest survivors art project - a submission I wrote on my own) but I can't do anything for myself because - in my family of origin - relaxing meant being beaten to unconsciousness at times or being whipped, or fork in the arm, or being hit or hurt in some way. If I am successful in a small way I have this thinking that something terrible with happen.
Recently I saw a psychiatrist, Dr Judith Craigh, who bulk billed me for one appointment so I could get my meds looked at. She was very good. Gosh I wish I could see someone regularly who could adjust meds. As well as the 300mg luvox and 4 x 2.5 mg of Nulactil. it has brought down the anxiety about 10% which is good. I know there is no magic pill. But what I live with is soul sapping and exhausting. The nightmares continue but they are 15% better.
After taking these meds I was able to go to exercise for 45 minutes one day.
I have tried many alternative therapies and therapists and that was a total waste of my time and listening to well meaning (at times) but rather stupid people wasted a lot of energy and time. I feel sad about that.
When I rang away from home when I was 15 my mother told me if I didn't come back and say it didn't happen (the incest) that she would make sure my sisters and brothers grew up as total strangers to me. Five or so years ago I went back (unwisely) to one of my sister's weddings and my alleged mother said to me. "You are not in the bridal party. It is almost as if you are a total stranger to them!" She laughed and mocked me for some time. I didn't react as I knew if I said anything I would be the one who ruined my sister's wedding.
I cannot understand such evil. I am very careful to be kind and caring to the young people around me.
I have my partner and offspring in my life. Junior Spock is cool. Though she sometimes has her Captain Crankpants on, her wand of insolence and her cape of indifference. Startlingly, as a teenager, she acts like a teenager. Shocking I know. *raises eyebrow* She is also marvellous, bright, witty and fun to be with at times. I can interrupt her grunts - pleased to see you, am in bad mood, Dad is annoying me, I am thinking about something, I have a question to ask you and will you help me with my homework grunts. Some times she is very chatty as well. Her mother is not a helpful. Meets someone and lets them move in etc. That is hard for me. I worry about junior Spock.
I have a number of good friends. One of whom I feel disconnected to at the moment and that is hard.
I feel like I have worked my ass off to no real avail and that it is all too hard.
I made decision when I was 8 years old that I would not kill myself so as to break the chain of child abuse in my family. I have stuck with this decision for 32 years now. I do have ongoing suicidal ideation though no suicide attempts.
I am struggling with day to day stuff and I can see no way out of the poverty trap where I need work to get treatment to get better and work and I need work to get better but need work to get better with treatment and etc. I feel I have been stuck in this place for about 25 years.
I have a lot of thinking and behaviours and feelings that I need to change and work through.
Very flat,
ms Spock
This is one of my problems. I try to give what I don't yet have. For me it is a reenactment of that time when I was trying to save my sisters and brothers from the viciousness of my mother and father. The beatings, the humiliations, the physical abuse, the emotional abuse, the sexual abuse, the cruelty, the watching my father beat the dog with a chain, trying to suffocate a younger sibling in a garbage bin and so forth.
I ran away from home when I was 15. The man who donated the sperm who I came from and the woman that donated the egg that I came from were at their manical best. He was threatening to kill us all. She was punishing me for the sexual abuse that she had been party to all my life.
Every year people would say to me - it will get better. Unfortunately the nightmares, the panic, the disassociation, the lack of sleep, the flooding of anxiety, the uncomfortability in my own body haven't got better. The panic attacks, the lack of a life and a job don't get better. I can be high functioning for periods of time and then fall apart.
I need to get well enough to get treatment, to get work to get treatment and I need treatment to get well enough for work. I have been stuck in this place for about 25 years on and off now.
We had community health centres in the Illawarra I was able to see my psychiatrist twice a week at that point. Mental health services were closed down. Now withe medicare I can see this woman 18 times a year. Three lots of six appointments. For someone who needs two appointments a week, once a fortnight or once every three weeks is not working for me.
I can't brush my teeth because of the flashbacks. Going to the toilet is hard for the same reason. Going to sleep is scary and waking up is scary.
I feel so ashamed that in public I can hold it together and do some great environmental or community projects (got $20,000 for the incest survivors art project - a submission I wrote on my own) but I can't do anything for myself because - in my family of origin - relaxing meant being beaten to unconsciousness at times or being whipped, or fork in the arm, or being hit or hurt in some way. If I am successful in a small way I have this thinking that something terrible with happen.
Recently I saw a psychiatrist, Dr Judith Craigh, who bulk billed me for one appointment so I could get my meds looked at. She was very good. Gosh I wish I could see someone regularly who could adjust meds. As well as the 300mg luvox and 4 x 2.5 mg of Nulactil. it has brought down the anxiety about 10% which is good. I know there is no magic pill. But what I live with is soul sapping and exhausting. The nightmares continue but they are 15% better.
After taking these meds I was able to go to exercise for 45 minutes one day.
I have tried many alternative therapies and therapists and that was a total waste of my time and listening to well meaning (at times) but rather stupid people wasted a lot of energy and time. I feel sad about that.
When I rang away from home when I was 15 my mother told me if I didn't come back and say it didn't happen (the incest) that she would make sure my sisters and brothers grew up as total strangers to me. Five or so years ago I went back (unwisely) to one of my sister's weddings and my alleged mother said to me. "You are not in the bridal party. It is almost as if you are a total stranger to them!" She laughed and mocked me for some time. I didn't react as I knew if I said anything I would be the one who ruined my sister's wedding.
I cannot understand such evil. I am very careful to be kind and caring to the young people around me.
I have my partner and offspring in my life. Junior Spock is cool. Though she sometimes has her Captain Crankpants on, her wand of insolence and her cape of indifference. Startlingly, as a teenager, she acts like a teenager. Shocking I know. *raises eyebrow* She is also marvellous, bright, witty and fun to be with at times. I can interrupt her grunts - pleased to see you, am in bad mood, Dad is annoying me, I am thinking about something, I have a question to ask you and will you help me with my homework grunts. Some times she is very chatty as well. Her mother is not a helpful. Meets someone and lets them move in etc. That is hard for me. I worry about junior Spock.
I have a number of good friends. One of whom I feel disconnected to at the moment and that is hard.
I feel like I have worked my ass off to no real avail and that it is all too hard.
I made decision when I was 8 years old that I would not kill myself so as to break the chain of child abuse in my family. I have stuck with this decision for 32 years now. I do have ongoing suicidal ideation though no suicide attempts.
I am struggling with day to day stuff and I can see no way out of the poverty trap where I need work to get treatment to get better and work and I need work to get better but need work to get better with treatment and etc. I feel I have been stuck in this place for about 25 years.
I have a lot of thinking and behaviours and feelings that I need to change and work through.
Very flat,
ms Spock
