Had sex for the first time in a year

[Emotional girl]

Last year in March I started to remember some repressed memories from my childhood.
I have had such a difficult time trying to get my head around everything and I have been having flashbacks,self harming and suicidal thoughts.
I have also been avoiding any sexual contact with my partner.That was until last week when we had a celebration.
On Monday we had sex and it stirred up all these mixed feelings.Firstly I enjoyed it but then I got overtaken by thoughts of disgust and shame and at the end I completely broke down and started to cry uncontrollably.
On the Wednesday he tried touching me but again I just started to cry.
I feel like I have let him down but at the same time I feel like I never want to have sex again.
How do you get over the massive barrier of being intimate with your partner when you have been sexually abused ?
Does it get any easier ?

 

[somerandomguy]

Does it get any easier ?

It can, if you work on it. Are you in therapy? Have you discussed this with your therapist?

 

[Mach123]

Depends on so many things. Love, trust, security. I feel bad that you have to struggle with this. I'm still struggling and trying to cry? I didn't know about it till after I was married. Before that? IDK. Is it easier? Yes on some level? We've been married thirty years. I'm sorry it's so hard.

 

[Emotional girl]

Thank you @somerandomguy and @Mach123 for your replies.
I am not in therapy at the moment but I meant to be starting DBT soon.
I did see a specialist counsellor but our work together ended in March.
I am sorry to hear that you still find it hard even after 30 years of marriage @Mach123 .
The love and trust are there but I feel like I am being taken back to being a 5 year old again.

 

[Wendell_R]

I'm sorry this is hard. It can get better, but I don't think time alone fixes it.

For the young child, it's really important to have separation from sexuality. For me, that has meant a lot of work on making imaginary safe spaces for the child and imagining a childhood full of appropriate love and intimacy. That work has been slow but rewarding. And before any sexual activity, taking the child to a safe place and caretaker. The image of a caretaker has been a big part of my work. You can choose a mother or father figure that you really trust, and then use your imagination to build on that.

For the adult, I think it's really important that you be in charge and take things REALLY slow. My wife and I schedule time for touch that we both know will not lead to sex. When that feels safe, try just a little bit of intimate body touch, where you are in charge (that could be as little as just holding hands or a kiss). Even if it feels good, don't do more, because you're really training your mind to separate past from present, and you need to see what comes up in the day or two after. Afterwards, be intentional about checking in with the 5 year old part, imagining the 5 year old coming back from the safe place, and listening for any feelings or fears.

If, with time, you can do more than a little touch, then remember that you can find the activities that are least triggering for you and build on those.

I think DBT skills can be useful. For me, they work best when I also acknowledge the young child's feelings and directly care for the young one.

The love and trust are great starting points. The fact that you enjoyed it initially means that the adult is all on board, and that's good too!

 

[Emotional girl]

Thank you so much @Wendell_R for your reply and your advice.
I suppose I thought that if I had sex then everything would go back to normal and it would be easy but it was the opposite.
I think you are right about taking things more slowly and needing to get in tune with the adult me and that I needto be in charge of the situation.