Relationship Happy Endings?

[kclarkesocal]

A number of male carers have told very similar stories here, which I would characterize as follows: (1) wife has PTSD from childhood trauma, (2) wife is no longer sure that she has feelings for husband, (3) wife emotionally and physically withdraws (potentially including separation), (4) husband tries hard to do whatever possible to maintain the relationship under the theory that the relationship problems are a symptom of the PTSD, not a fundamental relationship incompatibility, (5) husband continues to be hopeful for a period of months or years that the relationship will improve, while experiencing pangs of doubt and longing for a real relationship again.

So, here's my question: Is there anyone out there, either on the sufferer or carer side, who has lived through a similar 1-5 like above, but then has ended up back in a real relationship with his or her spouse? Does anyone have a #6 that says "at some point during PTSD treatment and after some marriage counseling, reconcile with spouse and live a (quasi-) normal life as a married couple with a strong relationship."

 

[amethist]

I really wish I could answer this from the perspective you have described above, what I can do is give you this from my own situation as a female carer.

My husbands PTSD was caused by a motorcycle accident, but he went from a loving do anything man to a 24/7 drinking, scared of his own shadow, in 6 months, defiantly not the man I married.

There were times when either one of us could have given up, to let him manage the best he could on his own, or so I could have a life again away from all that PTSD drags up all the time. If this had gone either of these ways, heaven knows what would have happened to him, but we stuck it out. We both fought to get back at least some of what we had before this hit. we have been to hell and back a few times, with very little help form the so called professionals, when it was needed most.

After all that has happened over the last 3 years, he is now looking forward to the future, looking forward to build a life with what we have now. Trying his best not to look back on what we had, hard as this is sometimes, it helps that I am still here fighting with him and learning to love the man he is now.

Our relationship is not what it was, but it is real. We are still together in every way, though some of it not as it was, but still there. We did have a strong, solid marriage before his accident, but it could have turned out a lot different if one of us had given up the fight.

There is hope, but it does depend on what the cause was and how long you are prepared to hang in there. In the end it is your choice, no one can decide for you. Every relationship is different, even if PTSD is not involved, we all fight to stay or leave for different reasons.

I really hope your marriage can survive, but please don't feel as if you have let anyone down if it doesn't. Sometimes no matter how hard you fight, nothing makes a difference.

Amethist

 

[AdamAnt]

I'm betting that the success stories you're looking for are out there living their lives and no longer posting here...at least I hope that's the case.

 

[ISupportHer]

For me it is more a status quo.

I'd jump into some sort of marriage thing with both feet.

You ask about getting back to a normal relationship. We have never physically seperated. I think that, as has been pointed out in other threads, this is forever. PTSD is the gift that keeps on giving, but not in a good way.

I think AdamAnt has made a good point. Some are no longer here. For good and bad reasons. The friends I have been close too (about 3 come to mind that I interacted with regularly) are no longer here because the relationships ended (not marriages, however)

Sometimes I ask myself why AM I still here? It's because it is a continuing battle. I am no longer frantic (well, usually, LOL) but I can still take away points and things that help me, from reading here. And I mean for ME, not just about PTSD, if you know what I mean.

Also, one thing that helped me when I have been in pain is to have others listen and give feedback. So I do that myself sometimes. To others that are going through this.

There HAS to be some success stories out there but I doubt their lives are ever really the same again.

ISH

 

[Inouk]

As mentionned in one of my post, entering a relationship with a PTSD sufferer can be exhaustive, frustrating but also wonderful only and only if the sufferer knows, understands, accepts and manages his/her illness or should I say triggers. I am in a relationship with a severe combat PTSD sufferer for just over three years now. This is the longest relationship he has been in for all previous ones lasted from 6 weeks to 6 months (aside from a two-year marriage which ended in a divorce when he was then 29 years old). He just could not bare long term relationships. Although he has been living with PTSD for 30 years now, it is only in 2002 that he was diagnosed. 2007 was a turning point for him, now 48 years old, where he finally understood his illness, was appropriately medicated and found strategies that work for him in managing stress triggers. It is also in 2007 that we met. He was then ready for a long term relationship.

But I can honestly say that it is only in April 2010, after I almost died from a very severe pneumonia (was hospitalized for 3 weeks, had surgery, etc.) that it clicked for him in a positive way. Being discharged from the hospital and returning home with him for my long convalescence opened his box of sentiments. If after the first 6 months into our relationship I was beating my head wondering what the hell I was doing with him, I can now say that I know he loves me for me, cares for me and will there for me just as I am for him. I am no longer beating my head on a wall. I know this is for the long term.

I hope the best for you. I really do.

Kind regards,

Inouk

 

[kclarkesocal]

A couple of things.

First, I do wonder if there is a fundamental difference between the childhood trauma source PTSD and the combat/accident source PTSD with respect to the impact on relationships, because in the former scenario relationships and sex were used to create the trauma in the first place. I'm no expert, but it seems logical that this type of PTSD ought to cause more relationships impairment than PTSD from a combat/accident source. So I was hoping for a good story from the childhood trauma side of the world.

Second, I certainly don't need or expect things to go back to "the way they were" -- not sure I can even remember that anyway, though it would probably describe 16 of the first 18 years of our relationship. But (as sappy as this sounds), I would like to be in a relationship where I feel love and where I can express love. It kind of gets to some existential points -- what are we here for anyway? Have I been handed some sort of duty (and I mean that in the highest sense of the word) to care for my sick spouse, and to think otherwise makes me shallow and insensitive. Or should I retake control of my life and begin to chart a path to untether myself and my children from the PTSD chaos -- taking short term pain for the potential of being in a normal relationship again someday? It would be nice to not have to answer these questions -- my really really strong preference is to have a relationship with my current spouse and the mother of my children -- hence my search for similar stories where people have found a path out of purgatory.

 

[intothelight]

Hi kclarksocal,

I am a sufferer who comes from a background of childhood abuse, compounded by domestic violence from my first marriage. Unfortunately, my family is still experiencing this violence. However, the diagnosis of PTSD has definitely helped the relationship with my children and husband (I remarried).

Before the PTSD diagnosis, I had a diagnosis of clinical depression and was taking medication to treat this. The problem was, the depression never went away and I just kept getting worse. Think about all of the symptoms, uncontrolled, undiagnosed and no one, not even me, understood what was going on or what was wrong.

Now the entire family is on the same page. I know why I behave in certain manners and am working hard at minimizing/eliminating the most negative behaviors. I am on a medication that helps and am involved in intense therapy. My family has set appropriate boundaries, as have I. Even though there are still rough spots, we are all working together to improve our lives.

In many ways, my husband and I are closer than we have ever been. Instead of battling each other out of ignorance, we are now battling the PTSD and the ones' that caused it. I may not be exactly the same person I was when he married me, but as we go through this together, I want to become a better person than I was even then.

I cannot speak for my husband, and it would be great if he would participate in the carer side of the forum. There is so much he could learn and share, and I think it would make things easier on him. But, I just wanted to say as a sufferer, we can participate in mending ourselves and our relationships. Giving and receiving love is the greatest healer of all.

Hope this helps you some.

Intothelight

 

[Jawn]

Thanks Intothelight. It is nice to hear something that is positive as I have been wondering the same thing as what was posted at the start of this thread.

Jawn

 

[Nicolette]

I don't have a before and after story to share but I will say that after 3 1/2 years with Anthony he is a better person than when I first met him.

When I met him he was going through a bad time with is ex wife which inflamed his PTSD. Has he changed as a person? Not really as he still has the same qualities which I fell in love with. Has he changed in other ways? Hell yes and he is better for it. Does he have more work to do - I think so but he considers himself fairly well managed.

I would not have liked to have been with him when he was at his worst from what he has told me. Then again, I am a different person to his ex and I seem to bring out a better side in him than she did (told to me by her mother - she said "Anthony seems more peaceful and happy with you").

Do I think we have a happy ending? Considering what we have been through and that we have a better relationship I would have to say yes. Not a fairytale but a reasonably happy and rewarding relationship.

From all I have seen and read over the forum in my time here the things I noticed,in order to sustain a relationship, are:

• a PTSD Sufferer has to want to be in a relationship
• a PTSD Sufferer has to want to get better
• a Carer must be willing to go on the rollercoaster ride but know when to pull on the breaks
• both people have to be heading in the same direction
• it is very unlikely for a person with uncontrolled PTSD to manage a relationship.

Why am I still here? To help my husband run the forum and to be able to talk to people who relate to my life with a PTSD Sufferer. I learn from reading what Sufferers say and similar to Jim, sometimes the validation of being heard and understood is very powerful in helping me stay on track when PTSD is hitting and causing upheaval.

PS....life happens every day and some of those things which happen change us - not just PTSD. Let us not forget that!

 

[Grandpalw]

kclarkesocal, I have been throught he exact internal introspectiion you descibed. Do I stay or do I go and what does either decision make me. Don't I deserve a life of happiness with a wife who can love and be loved. After 28 years of marriage with a wife who suffers from childhood abuse derived CPTSD, I feel like I have been through the wringer. But I am seeing glimpses of light now, and those glimpses are the only thing that keep me going in this relationship, that and my several wonderfaul children who have also suffered from their mothers illness, in ways they can't even comprehend. Perhaps we can share more indepth as I see a lot of similarities in your question and my life.

The short answer is yes, I think you can eventually have a normal marriage. But it may depend on several factors. Factors that even I am not certain I can identify, but feel I can share a few. If you're interested let me know. I think we may be able to help one another in some small way as we try to mubble through this life we've been handed.

 

[AdamAnt]

Happy endings are out there. I think we only see the beginning and maybe the middle here on these forums. I read that massage therapy can lead to a happy ending but.....that's for another thread I think?;)

 

[Jawn]

I am sure you're right AdamAnt......I am still hoping to move to that "middle" you mentioned.......and maybe eventually to the massage therapy! :thumbs-up