Childhood Happy f*cking child rapist's day (father's day for the sexually abused!)

[ms spock]

I admire what you are doing @crazydiamond47 it is not easy.

I was a goddamned trailblazer, and I was gutsy in speaking up - I got trashed by my whole family - when I was 15 - I paid a severe price, for awhile in 2013, when I was circling the drain hole - I thought I should have just stayed and he would have killed all of us and at least the pain would have been over.

And as victims/survivors of child sexual assault we enter life without a whole raft of social, personal, emotional, relational, connectedness and bonding skills - because of what we lived through, and we pay for that. For a long time I was admanant it was worth it but now I don't know some days. I am very tired. I would like a home to be able to go to to have a cup of tea and toast. I would like a Mother and Father. I would like it if when I see the one sister that I do that we didn't trigger each other to the point of volcanic eruptions. Unfortunately I have reenacted the trauma over and over again, But I really tried very, very, very hard, but I was taken advantage of by various psychologists and alternative people. I have not been an easy person to be around.

But speaking up does leave a legacy for the next generation - they have a trail of breadcrumbs to follow "Why is it that Disco Dancing Queen is gone from my family?" I don't know if my nieces and nephews even know that I am alive. I will never meet them, which is sad, but I am actually am at peace with that now. I would have been scapegoated and blamed for anything that happened to them. One of my sisters married a man just like our Father, and so the intergenerational transmission goes on. I have been actively socially, politically and in a multitude of ways around family incest. It certainly hasn't stopped in my family, and I know whereabouts my Father lives (he moved 7-8 blocks away from my flat) but I don't know what he is doing. I do know he will tell you what a hard done by man he is, with this vicious Mother who turned his children against him and told so many lies about domestic violence, he would never raise his hand against a child, or a woman, that is a cowardly thing to do, this is just another woman, blaming another innocent man, and he is such a nice guy, who never hurt anyone, but who is highly victimised by a culture that positions all men, unreasonably, as being violent. And as for the sexual abuse it turns his stomach that such lies/false memories/vicious character assassination could come his way. He is so innocent. He is purer than white driven snow etc etc etc. I can almost say the whole thing off by heart I have heard it so many times. It comes in many shades grey these poor hard done by men, who are falsely accused of doing unmentionable things, that, he, of course, would never do.

Heya @crazydiamond47 I am not religious, and usually it wouldn't be an issue but I just had one too many people shove their religion down my throat on this forum, so I looked for elsewhere to go, really, enough. I know you mean well though, but given my religious upbringing in the child raping Catholic Church religious overtones are not appropriate with me, but some people make that mistake every now and then, and I don't hold it against them.

 

[LoveTea]

@Disco Dancing Queen I totally know what you mean, I’m still mourning the loss of the family I never had. There are so many big things and little things that I missed out on. I’ve never had someone to put my interests first. I have 2 good friends now, who are very supportive, but there ar just a lot of things they can’t understand. Not that I think their lives have been perfect by any means, but they have great family members in their lives and quite a number of friends to back them up. If they need help with anything big or little, they have a wealth of people to turn to. I am happy they have that because they are wonderful people, and deserve it, but they can’t seem to understand that I don’t have that, and how that greatly affects me. I don’t have a lot of people to turn to, no one to stand up for me and back me up. I’m 20, but I am mostly on my own when it comes to helping or defending myself.

Everyone assumes that peoples parents are still heavily involved and looking out for their best interests, but I don’t have that. Sometimes people will try to commiserate and say that their parents are like mine and they don’t treat them well. That is totally valid, but I just want to scream at them that it isn’t the same, they did so much more to me. My sister is at least acknowledging that the household was abusive, but she still acts like I owe them something, and guilts me into doing things I don’t want to. Plus, I have to be careful because she will use anything I say to throw me under the bus if she runs into trouble.

 

[ms spock]

@Disco Dancing Queen I totally know what you mean, I’m still mourning the loss of the family I never had.

It is a big thing! I get what you are talking about!

 

[DharmaGirl]

My God! You know my father! Except my father told me when I was 4 that I wasn't his little girl. I was a nice little girl but not his. I guess in his mind that made it not incest, so it was ok. He never owned his own shit except for one time when he was close to dying, and my brother and I were taking care of him, he told me he didn't deserve the care we showed him. Guess what? He was right! But I still have such a dissociated memory of the abuse that it didn't bother me to take care of him. I just wanted him to care about me. Isn't that sick?

 

[ms spock]

My sister is at least acknowledging that the household was abusive, but she still acts like I owe them something, and guilts me into doing things I don’t want to. Plus, I have to be careful because she will use anything I say to throw me under the bus if she runs into trouble.

I am so stuck in this position at the moment. I don't have contact with either parent, but my sister is pushing for my Mother, and to sign up to look after my brother, who has a disability. Be careful, and if you come up with any solutions that work for you, please let me know.

 

[ms spock]

My God! You know my father! Except my father told me when I was 4 that I wasn't his little girl. I was a nice little girl but not his. I guess in his mind that made it not incest, so it was ok.

They really can rationalise it in such a multitude of ways.

He never owned his own shit except for one time when he was close to dying, and my brother and I were taking care of him, he told me he didn't deserve the care we showed him. Guess what? He was right! But I still have such a dissociated memory of the abuse that it didn't bother me to take care of him.

Yeah a lot of us have been there, I did stuff for my Mother/with my Mother.

I just wanted him to care about me. Isn't that sick?

No not at all! It is being human, we are hardwired fro social connection through millions of years of evolution.

 

[Deleted member 34561]

I admire what you are doing @crazydiamond47 it is not easy.

I was a godd...

Sorry if I offended you by speaking of my faith Disco. I'm more of a spiritual person rather than religious to be honest and there is a big difference between the two. I like you despair of the Catholic church and their baby raping priests and all the misplaced guilt and shame they brainwash their followers with. I really don't like the way Catholics can go round raping abusing drinking drugging etc all week go to confession and mass on Sunday sing a few hymns say a few hail Mary's then go out the next day and do it all over again. The hypocrisy frankly makes me bloody sick mate. I've only ever met one decent Catholic out of all the dozens I've met down the years. I'm an old bird now pushing 50 so I've had more than my fair share of bigots judges and hypocrites I've had the misfortune to know including an uncle on my Dad's side of the family who was a deacon in his local church (Anglican not Catholic) and made himself out to be so bloody pious and such a 'nice' man 'out there' but he was a serial cheat and a drunken wife beater on the QT. So yeah I really get where you're coming from regards religion. I really don't like organised religion one little bit. It all smacks of control and like I said earlier brainwashing. I don't even like Alcoholics Anonymous because their 12 step programme is anathema to a free spirit like me. They don't accept you if you refuse to work the Steps. If you're in the programme great if not you can just f*ck off. Lol. It reminds me of the Moonies in the 70s and nowadays the Scientologists. I mean come on that religion is based on a series of science fiction novels!!! Lol again. So stuff that for a game of bloody soldiers mate. I personally favour Christian Spiritualism and Buddhism and a little dash of Hinduism Kabbalah and Native American and Australian Aboriginal spirituality thrown into the mix for good measure. In other words it's tailor made just for me. And I absolutely would never try to force my beliefs or opinions regarding these things on any other human being out of respect for our differences. I'm certainly no preacher and certainly no bloody angel myself lol. So please forgive me for unintentionally offending you. All I know is my spirituality really helps me deal with my PTSD and all the abuse I've suffered down the decades. If something else entirely helps you then that's cool too. Anyway I didn't mean to turn this into a theosophical debate lol. So will leave it there mate. But like you I have nothing to do with my incestuous family of origin either. To tolerate all that multi generational toxic dysfunction is just too crazy making for words eh mate. Yeah it would be great to still have a family but really when they are that bloody poisonous who needs that in your life? I know I don't lol. Personally I don't even feel angry about any of it or them any more though I was for many many years before. I don't even hate any of them because to me that would be me giving them power to still affect my life negatively and like I said earlier bollocks to that mate they just ain't worth it. As for forgiveness well I can forgive the people because I now understand how sick in the head they all are but I absolutely can't and won't forgive their evil depraved choices and actions. I don't think anyone could. And if you hang around people like that and put up with their shit behaviour well they never change never stop and you just get destroyed right along side them. And I don't believe any of us were born to be abused. We are instead meant to be happy safe and free just in my humble opinion. So we got to make that happen for ourselves. Even if we keep falling down in the trying we have just got to keep getting up and carrying on. I don't have all the answers Disco mate and would never pretend to being just another PTSD patient meself but all I know I've learned the bloody hard way through bitter first hand experience. And what works for me may not work for another person. After all we are all unique different original individuals not brainwashed clones and sheeple like our childhood abusers mate. And bloody amen to that mate!!! Lol :)

 

[ms spock]

Sorry if I offended you by speaking of my faith Disco.

Thanks I know you meant no harm. It is just not appropriate with me.

I personally favour Christian Spiritualism and Buddhism and a little dash of Hinduism Kabbalah and Native American and Australian Aboriginal spirituality thrown into the mix for good measure. In other words it's tailor made just for me.

I am glad that you have found what works for you.

And I absolutely would never try to force my beliefs or opinions regarding these things on any other human being out of respect for our differences.

That has not been my experience on the forum lately so I am just putting it out there straight up, so people know.

 

[Deleted member 34561]

Fine by me Disco now you've given me the heads up I will be more mindful in my dealings with you. What a shame other people on here aren't the same. They tend to forget their manners online like they wouldn't in real life. But to me it's all the same. We're real people and just because you can't see someone's face or body language or hear their tone of voice through a keyboard it doesn't mean you should treat them less online than in a face to face situation. Words hurt and offend whether typed or spoken. And sadly I've known some people online who get a sick kick out of hurting and offending others online in a way they wouldn't dare do in real life. I think people like that are cowardly and bloody nasty myself mate. Glad I'm not one of them lol.

 

[ms spock]

Yeah @crazydiamond47 you are right. And some people don't understand, have different ways of seeing things, are in the grip of a crisis or are not managing so well themselves. Some people behave poorly, some can be offensive, but some people are kind of not really managing so they just go to their default positions. Sometimes I can let stuff slide, but not this last one, it went way too far in to abusiveness.

 

[Deleted member 34561]

Well I'm sorry to hear that Disco. I hope you reported that person and then put them on ignore. If they were having a bad day fine but they shouldn't come on here taking it out on the wrong person. I mean we're all here for the same reason right? I understand some people can be a bit bloody touchy I can be like that myself sometimes but abusing other people just because you feel raw and like shit on any given day is bang out of order in my book. It is true though that people in pain themselves whether emotional or physical pain hurt other people. Why those people can't contain or control their pain within themselves and have to project it outwards on to some undeserving sod I really don't know but it smacks of immaturity and irresponsibility to me. I guess we can all regress to the emotional age of a 3 year old kid when in enough pain or under enough stress that's the nature of this horrible affliction called PTSD eh. But if we wouldn't do that in real life then the same rule should apply in our dealings with others online. I guess it's a learning curve for all concerned. For the abusive trolls to learn not to abuse online and for people like yourself to learn to rise above it not take it personally and to not react in kind and therefore not to sink to the trolls level. I hope you don't think I'm offering you unsolicited advice there btw mate just a bit of common sense which some people on here seem to lack in spades. I don't mean you in that bracket btw at all. Won't name names either but let's just say that in the time I've been visiting this website I've observed certain individuals who get so wound up by other people's comments on a subject when it really is so bloody trivial what they are getting wound up about when there are far more important things to be angry about. Seems some people just love to argue with others who happen to disagree with them on a subject. Just for the sake of arguing. What ever happened to 'live and let live' or 'agreeing to disagree'? Or tact or diplomacy or respect? Makes me scratch my own head in wonderment mate. Oh well will leave it there mate once again I've talked your bloody ear off lol. Have a great day (or should that be night seeing as you're in Oz and I'm in the UK what with the time difference? I can never remember if you're ahead of us or behind lol) catch ya later xoxo

 

[katz]

No one would ever expect a woman who is raped by a complete stranger to sit down and have Xmas...

You are absolutely right. They don't deserve a "day" for them. My dad will deny - till the day he dies - that he did not hurt me and that "she must have made this up". He has always been the "go to church and raise a polite family" kind of dad--or so everyone thought. Back in the 70's & 80's, we were supposed to keep all this "within the family". It was private. Yet the effects go on forever in us, the ones who were hurt and told that "we are fine".

I have doctors notes from when I was a child, and the doctor said that "the parents are very out of touch with their daughter". He even put it in quotation marks. When I found this, I was amazed. And yet, I have to go on in life being "thankful" to my father. I tear that page out of my calendar as soon as I buy it - each year.