Hard To Accept This Diagnosis; New To The Forum's.

[northstar84]

I thought about posting a really long explanation of my past in here...but I erased it. To be brief I've been in therapy since last August up until this past month when my therapist left for the summer to deal with family issues (I see a psychologist on campus--yes a Dr. not a counsellor). I went into therapy feeling desperate and not really knowing what she'd diagnose me with...but I certainly didn't expect PTSD. I sort of lived my life thinking that nothing really happened to me, bc Ive spent my life seeing bad things happen around me:

*Early childhood--father alcoholic, mother bi-polar--physical violence on occasion (mom kicking/beating dad).

*Following parents divorce (2 mo. later) my Mom started socialising with my brother's 6th grade teacher who from the start of the school yr to the following summer was grooming and sexually abusing my brother. I knew the entire time for reasons I cant remember...

*After it was figured out there was abuse, my mom filed charges. I lived in a small town..this was a very popular teacher. We were on the news, in the newspapers, I lost all of my friends & pretty much the only way of life I'd ever known.

*All of the aftermath..which is fuzzy. brother severely affected, violent, psychotic, etc. told me he was planning on killing himself, etc.

*Mom remarried another abusive man. he was very emotionally/psychologically abusive. never hit anyone...just threw large objects at the walls when angry. among other things...idk.

*I was sexually assaulted at the age of 18, first date...first kiss(no this is not what i am referring to as the assault), pretty much got taken advantage of by an older man, though I totally blame myself for this one.

*2 traumatic hospital stays---very low wbc, thought I bone marrow cancer or leukaemia (this is a looonnng story).

I'm sure there are other things, but I do have a fuzzy strange memory. It has been very hard to accept that anything happened to me at all. I can remember sitting in the bathroom with the cordless phone, hands shaking waiting for the cue to call 911. My therapist thinks thats where my brain lives. Stuck somewhere....

The way I have coped with these issues has either been brilliantly, or horrendously. I went into therapy with severe ocd symptoms...but apparently my obsessiveness and paranoia are related to the PTSD. when things are bad...you cannot convince me I'm not dying.

I don't know what else to say.

Thanks for reading.

 

[MariaMaria]

Dear Northstar,

I am new to the forum too...
You have experienced so many painful things, so I hope you have an experienced and empathic counsellor who makes you feel safe and who can help you in your healing process, and that you will get the help that you truly deserve!

Welcome to the forum, and good luck! :)

Best wishes,
Maria

 

[northstar84]

Thank you for responding! I believe my therapist has helped me a great deal...but it takes a very long time for me to make any sort of progress; though she was incitful enough to give me the diagnosis in the first place instead of just saying I had anxiety or ocd. I hope you are able to find a therapist you trust and can do good work with as well!

 

[Jline]

Welcome to the forum Northstar84,

PTSD seems to trigger and be related to other behavior for sure, OCD, paranoia...one can feel bi polar or suffer from agoraphobia, eating disorder, drug addiction...ect.

This is an excellent and safe forum filled with information and caring people who can really relate. Take it one step at a time and be patient with yourself. You are stronger than you think. j

 

[cherryblossom]

Welcome to the forum.

Well done for already sharing some of the things that have happened to you. You have had alot to deal with. Continue trying to get these things out and how these incidents made you feel. If you haven't already done so, you may find it useful to start a trauma diary, where you can begin to explore your feelings.

Good luck.

 

[trancegirl]

When you've been through a lot, its hard to accept that something really bad happened to you and affected you.

I grew up poor and got myself into good schools and worked hard and healed from depression when I was 16 without medication just talk therapy so I thought I could handle a lot.

Example: I pinched a nerve in my back but it took me 1 week and a half to go to the doctor because I had convinced myself the pain wasn't that bad and that it would probably just go away. (If you've ever pinched a nerve/herniated a disc, you'll realize how ridiculous it is that I thought i could tough it out.) When I was raped I was in denial and then when I accepted that I had been raped, I tried to pretend like it did not affect me at first.

Even though the diagnosis is a surprise, its good to know that. Now you'll have more insight into why you have some of the thoughts and feelings that you do, or why you've done or do some of the things you do.