Harness Your Inner Sociopath?

[J.C.]

Oh, I read that book. Five years ago my T told me my ex was one...I was like wow I will study all these signs in effort to not ever repeat THAT again.

The book is very good and informative. Since reading it I've noticed it's on top books recommended by staff picks at bookstores.

 

[Brontie]

Sorry folks, think someone sat me on a high-horse today.

I know and understand what most of us are dealing with. I have most likely been dealing with my stuff longer than most of you here. I have also been working on recovery for a long time too. This work was intense at times, so much so that I became overwhelmed by it all and almost had a nervous breakdown and spent time in hospital. It might have looked like a breakdown but I like to think of it as a breakthrough.

So now when I post, I post about the work involved in recovery, the positive work. Some people will be ready to read about it and some won't, and that's okay. So here's what I would like to share here. Take from it what you want and simply disregard the rest.

There's a saying "Fake It Till You Make It." I have another one, "Act As If.." Act as if you are in control of your life until you are. To begin with it feels like we are playing a game of make believe with ourselves. But what we are actually doing is giving our brain time to figure out what it is we truly want. Eventually it will comply. And we will be the type of person we have always wanted to be. It has so much to do with what we are thinking. Our predominant thoughts rule our life. If we want to change our life we must change those predominant thoughts. And the easiest way I know of to begin with is to exchange phrases like "I can't" for "I can."

We are continually recreating ourselves but most of us simply accept the same old script over and over. It is possible to write a new script for ourselves. We only need to remind ourselves that we are the writers, the producers and the directors of our own life. We can write a decent story and do away with the dramas. No one said it was easy but it IS possible.

The trick is not to avoid stinky-thinking but to simply acknowledge it for what it is and then replace stinky-thinking with right-thinking.

I know. Your body will seem to be betraying you, with it’s shakes and feelings of panic. But work with the mind stuff and once the brain gets the message it will transmit it to the rest of the body.

We get what we deserve by being deserving. And we become deserving when we learn to give first and take later. That is, if we want love then we must give love, if we want understanding then we must be understanding etc. Like the quote say, "We must be the changes we want to see in the world."

If we think of ourselves as being manipulated it's because we are manipulative. We get back what we give out. Decide what you want and begin to give it to others and it WILL be returned. And again, no one said it was easy but it IS possible.

 

[freakofnurture]

Thank you for all your replies. I'm not sure if I get everything that has been said, but I tried to :)

I've been thinking about what exactly I mean by 'manipulation', and I think I should explain that I don't, by any means, intend to go to all lengths of manipulation. I'm having ethical problems with even the lightest forms, like choice of words. Eh. Now I feel like a sissy.

Manipulation is the easy route but will make you someone it sounds like you don't really want to be i.e. you say you dislike that behavior.

I've had a discussion about this with my friend S, who sees herself as a calculating, manipulative person. She justifies it by saying that everyone else is doing it, too, and that she has a code of ethics that she adheres to when she goes about sacrificing pawns. It's funny because she can be terribly vulnerable and honest, too; it's kind of a Jekyll/Hyde situation.
I think it's true that we all - in part unconsciously - calculate and manipulate to a degree. We all have our little powers of rhetorics and persuasion, we frame things, play out emotional arguments and push people's buttons to achieve what we think is good and right. We don't usually lie and sacrifice pawns, though. At least that's what I hope.

jesse, is it manipulation if you use drastic, concrete and evocative words to describe what you've been through? I don't know if it is, but to me, it sure feels like it. It feels like abusing my talent for language (in my native tongue) to get people to empathise with me and take my side.

As Deb said, yes, walk away. Why re-engage at all, especially since you're obviously bright enough to have ascertained that none of this is at all healthy, positive or productive from any perspective?

Whoah, scary analysis there, in the beginning of your post o.o But thanks, I think it made things a bit more clear for me.
I really have no clue why I'm clinging so much to these people. Or, no, I have a clue. I'm scared they'll dislike me for cutting them off, too -.- But you're right, and Deb's right, too. If they're not good for me, if they can't understand for whatever reasons, I should leave them.
Still there's this nagging idea, that they're my family and that I, although I don't believe in family, somehow need them. The thought of never having to talk to any of them ever again feels good and liberating, but I'm afraid of being unfair. I mean, they try, I see that, and they want to keep me, more than my p*rents do! I can't just go. I don't know... It doesn't feel right.

We get back what we give out. Decide what you want and begin to give it to others and it WILL be returned.

When?

 

[jesse]

I recommend googling borderline personality disorder and also narcissistic personality disorder and I'm interested to know if those personality traits describe your friends and or family that you are worried about losing. My stepdad is a narcissist and the thing I learned is you can't have your sanity and make these kinds of people happy. You have to make a choice fortunately for me good people have come along in my life to form friendships with. I hope you take that leap of faith and just say f*ck them I don't need em!

 

[Brontie]

freakofnurture,

When? I can't answer that. Like a lot of things, it's a process. And the time it takes for your brain to process the new positive information will depend on you. Who knows, maybe you will turn out to be the positive example your friends and family need in their lives right now. If that seems impossible then detaching with love is still a possibility for the sake of your own health and wellbeing.

 

[freakofnurture]

@jesse: That's an excellent suggestion and I've thought quite a bit about possible diagnoses, but I don't know these people well enough to pin them down. My feeling is that, in general, the f*amily members in question merely have their own psychological abuse to deal with, either as victims, as culprits or as silent bystanders. They've got their own perp introjections that are talking for them and their own actions or inactions to make excuses for. They're basically having much the same problems I have, with the difference that I'm conscious of the 'problem' part.
I don't want to step up and directly tell them that they have a problem, I think that would be presumptuous as well as counterproductive. You cannot force someone to realise something, they'll only use more defense mechanisms against you. But maybe you can manipulate someone to get closer to a realisation, or somehow provoke a behaviour that resembles what they'd show had they had a realisation.
I don't know. I'm speculating around.

Just for fun:
The extended f*mily I don't have any personal contact with consists of at least one narcissist, an ex-anorectic twen, a schizophrenic, a (dead) alcoholic, a (now divorced) sex addict, a (still married) chronic wife rapist, someone with a history of coma and brain damage, someone with a huge inferioritx complex, mainly love-hate marriages, and all that is mixed with various degrees of religious/'spiritual' deludedness and sado-masochism. Family gatherings have always been so fun. Oh my.

 

[Philippa]

Yeah, it's a precarious path to tread, trying to make people aware of things they don't want to be aware of, and usually their sophisticated defense mechanisms will stop you in your tracks anyway.

With the Narcisisst, I wouldn't even bother. His/her issues are so covered over by false self it would take a saint to commit to getting them to look. I don't know about the others, you sure have your hands full there. I thought my family were f*cked up;)

I think everyone has the denial protective mechanism for a reason, and some will come out of denial when they are good and ready, and not before, and others never will. I honestly don't know that there is anything you can do to make them aware, as it will normally cause them to go even further into denial if you try. It's really hard. I've had the same problem with my folks for as long as I can remember.

I'm having the EXACT same crisis, only I HAVE cut them off. Last night I felt myself panicking to realize I really did it, after all these years. They only have access to me via email now, I won't give them my new phone number or address, so that's it. I have been feeling like I'm being bad today, in a bad way...and trying to talk myself out of it, rationalizing things they have done and generally battling with myself inside over whether I made the right decision, or whether I'm just being a prize bitch...which I'm sure is what they are thinking right now! (ok, I don't really know what they are thinking, but this is what I THINK they are thinking.)

 

[Brontie]

If we could see everyone is writing their own story, and that we are just a tiny part of that story, I think we would be more willing to step back and let them get on with it. Everyone is working through something even if they don’t realise it. Most get in their own way by complicating things with alcohol and drugs and bad relationships mistaking them for a cure for all. We can’t 'fix' anyone but ourselves. And life gets a lot easier once we realise that.

 

[freakofnurture]

I have been feeling like I'm being bad today, in a bad way...and trying to talk myself out of it, rationalizing things they have done and generally battling with myself inside over whether I made the right decision, or whether I'm just being a prize bitch...

Please don't misunderstand this, but it's nice to know I'm not the only one having this battle going on right now :)
Somehow I feel like a part of the difficulty in letting go of f*mily is how sacrosanct this whole concept is portrayed as. "You can never fall deeper than into the lap of your f*mily." and "Blood is thicker than water." Wherever you look, you are told that your ancestry should get special treatment and be granted special rights that everyone else in the world would have to first prove themselfs worthy of. And why? Because they'll be there when nobody else will? But they weren't there! Where it counts, they weren't there, and they aren't there now. In fact, they're only making things worse. It's only hard to realise that when you don't particularly dislike them.
It feels like some kind of mental slavery, like being owned by these people just by virtue of them sharing genes with you and not being totally horrible.

 

[Philippa]

Yes, it means you will forever be treated like you are the selfish one for leaving, even though they are the ones who have done so much damage. It's as if by virtue of the fact that they brought you into the world you are therefore obliged to put up with being treated like shit, and constantly have your sense of self-esteem and worth compromised, so that you will never be able to reach your full potential.

there is something very wrong when masses of people find solace and comfort in the words of strangers, and their own family treat them like crap! it's not supposed to be this way, I'm pretty sure, yet this is the way it is for many people, maybe most people?

If I go to the part of me that is magnanimous and understanding, I can see how, for many parents, seeing their children in pain, and having to admit that they are the cause of the suffering is too much to bare, so they just pretend it never happened and isn't happening, which isn't a luxury the child gets to share, since they are the ones experiencing it in their reality. Most parents want to think they have done a good job, so the system of denial protects them from the truth.

Did they intend to hurt us...most probably not (though there are exceptions of course),,,are they just plumb ignorant...definitely. Does this mean we have to put up with it as adults...no way!

I get the feeling that my father is confused and upset that I am ignoring him and have cut him off. It is slowly dawning on him that I have done this. In his world, he has no idea (well consciously anyway...I'm almost certain that we all know what we do, we just hide it from ourselves to protect ourselves from the truth) what he has done, so to him he can't figure out why I am being such a bitch to HIM! He has made himself the victim here and twisted it in his mind...making me the crazy one!

I think it's high time examining all these societal emotional whammies imposed on us is something to be encouraged, not taboo. it isn't acceptable behavior, and it isn't something that we are obliged to put up with just because they decided to go halves in a foetus.

 

[jesse]

LMAO at your description of your extended family! Made me smile;)

 

[freakofnurture]

Did they intend to hurt us...most probably not (...)

My f*ther did, and my m*ther... This point is so hard for me to deal with. I can't even begin to explain.
My m*ther owns a fricken PhD in Educational Science. She knows so much about child psychology and about the consequences of abusive and especially ambiguous parenting (daddy didn't always hate me). She used to beat herself up because she didn't manage to perfectly implement the educational principles of Maria Montessori into her children's lifes. She knew what bedwetting means, what reclusive behaviour means, what constant headaches mean...
And what did she tell me? She said: "I knew you weren't well, but I didn't know you were suffering that much. You didn't communicate it enough."
How about that, eh? So a bit of suffering is okay? I should have just told her that I'm really really unwell?
God, the more I think about this, the more I feel that my mom is one sick bitch.

He has made himself the victim here and twisted it in his mind...making me the crazy one!

Heh, my m*ther's parents are totally into that. They wrote me an e-mail, detailing how much my p*rents suffer because I cut them off.
Awwwwww, do they? Now, what a shame. I hope they feel as f*cking disgusting as I feel most of the time.

it isn't acceptable behavior, and it isn't something that we are obliged to put up with just because they decided to go halves in a foetus.

It's just a detail, but... I'm actually an incorrectly applied method of contraception. It's nice growing up knowing that you're constantly being on a party you weren't invited to.