Has A Supporter Ever Regained Your Trust Once You'd Decided It Was Gone?

[Al_Lurker]

....It really isn't as simple as deciding from one day to the next, that you should just forget all that and jolly well trust someone because you would prefer to do so. This is the legacy of the abuser. God knows it would be nice just to switch a switch and put it all in the past and start again with no baggage.

I know that it's far from simple @Echo and I understand all you've said... The switch is more like a circuit breaker - very fast to trip off and not able to be reset until the 'fault' has been removed. What I hope for is that each sufferer can begin to find the way to unpack that baggage and begin to find the circuit breaker to turn the lights (trust) back on for those in their lives that deserve it.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think you are right @Al_Lurker , good analogy. And saying 'those that deserve it' says a lot. Because I think many of us have either trusted or spent so much time/ necessity/ circumstance/ deleterious situations around those who weren't, that is why the wires get crossed.

 

[Al_Lurker]

Trust is something that has to be earned and deserved. Those that it's invested in also have a duty to preserve it. That is what makes abuse such a terrible thing, it's very often the breach of trust that does the most damage.

 

[Echo]

Yes, @Al_Lurker - and I hope that many more supporters or friends of survivors or family members would take the time to properly understand PTSD, and instead of shunning sufferers, because they consider PTSD to be mental illness, or dangerous, or any of the other myths that surround the condition, would also exercise compassion and learn to communicate. I am so tired of hearing so much that is blaming of survivors on this site and elsewhere. Do people who support cancer victims and people with MS treat their loved ones like this? Or those with depression? I really hope not.

The necessary compassion and communication skills, as in any relationship that has any chance of being successful, need to come from both sides. I know you understand that, Al, but many on this site appear not to do so at all.

 

[Al_Lurker]

The word you're looking for is stigma @Echo It's as old as humanity (think leper colonies) and is no easy thing to overcome. It is easier now with the advent of the internet and nearly constant media barrage but the problem of 'fact' remains. Sometimes the media in any form can't be bothered to use facts - for example blaming the recent shooting at Ft. Hood on "PTSD" - when they have no basis for it. It takes courage on the part of sufferer and those that support them to help to educate those that do not understand mental illness of any kind. I'm ashamed to say I was amongst the ranks of the uneducated until the 'situation' with my ex arose. Compassion is not something we all have but it is a good basis to begin an education on. Add some patience and you never know how things may change, at an individual and societal level. Sometimes a lone voice in the wilderness can turn into a chorus (Magic Johnson and HIV) of acceptance.

 

[Echo]

Yes, maybe the world will wake up and realise it is not even a mental illness, though sufferers may have co-morbid conditions. I don't know if it is stigma that makes people turn away; there are a variety of reasons, just as much as there are a variety of symptoms that any one sufferer might display. I do hope, as is starting to be the case with rape and child abuse per se, that increasingly people will hear the voices of those who have the condition. Only then will people have any idea of what it is like to go through it.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes. There are very few feelings worse than having to apologize for existing, or being 'as is'.

 

[Al_Lurker]

....increasingly people will hear the voices of those who have the condition. Only then will people have any idea of what it is like to go through it.

I think this is beginning to happen in the US. Our military veterans from Afghanistan and Iraq are being treated far better than previous generations. PTSD wasn't even an 'official' diagnosis for the ones returning from Viet Nam and previous wars, not until 1980 was it recognized by the medical community. There have been recent efforts to publicize and raise awareness of it and the public in general treats this generation of young men with far more respect. My perception is that 'most' people are aware of PTSD as a condition but think only those who have been to war can suffer from it. While those of us who do not suffer from it can never have a good idea of what it feels like we should at least be capable of recognizing that it's something that can happen to anyone. HIV used to be thought of as only something that happened to a certain segment of the population, that has changed. I hope to live long enough to see it change with PTSD too. We'd never ask one who was attacked and injured in a mugging to apologize for their physical wounds, we should not ask them to apologize for the mental ones either.

 

[Echo]

I am glad the military are beginning to treat returning servicemen and women better; it is certainly about time, and much more remains to be done. As a victim of rape, however, I have been met repeatedly with the assertion that I can't possibly have PTSD and, if I think I have, it cannot possibly be as bad as military PTSD. I guess it is just more of the minimising that people do, and evidence of their ignorance. I heard a call today from a prominent voice to treat rape as just another physical assault, such as a mugging or beating up on the street. This was from a woman. I really think there is so much more to be done in so many different ways, before the general public in any country understands what rape in particular does to anyone, and beyond that what being faced with death, once or repeatedly, being humiliated and disempowered and terrorised, does to so many very brave people, whether military or not.

 

[Al_Lurker]

....evidence of their ignorance. I heard a call today from a prominent voice to treat rape as just another physical assault, such as a mugging or beating up on the street. ...

This person obviously has no clue to the fact that PTSD can develop from muggings or any other form of physical assault. In fact, I know a man that was diagnosed from just that, an assault that put his life in jeopardy. If this person is as 'prominent' as you say perhaps an email to their PR people or office is in order?

The military is treating it's own better but so is the public. I believe that this is because the sufferers are standing up and demanding to be heard, most of these we hear about are military because it has become 'acceptable' to do so. If others who suffer also begin to speak out maybe the kind of ignorance you've spoken of will be minimized. I can only pray.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think many things are like that. I have seen people with strokes and aneurisms who exhibit TBI and PTSD symptoms, domestic violence is a lot like being in a war zone, natural disasters can be as well, circumstances around deaths can cause a lot of problems well over-and-above loss and grief. I think of the nurse that gave my dad a fatal overdose(s). I know it was, and my years around others only serve to support it. Whether it was 'mercy', unintentional, or intentional, I 'saw' what looked like a murder, and didn't stop it or speak up, I wasn't even an adult, and the only one there. It 'effed' me up thoroughly. And I think of when my mom was terminal 13 years later (and yet happy, entirely 'with it' also), we had to counter repeated 'offers' to 'put her out of her misery" (happiness? :confused: ), finally by saying "It's not legal here and next time you 'ask' we're going to the newspaper". Couldn't wait 3 days for a bed. Those 'the devil is in the details' caused so much more pain/ grief/stress, etc..

The ignorance, the carte blanche sweeping generalizations of trauma based events (such as rape etc), consequently lead to more ignorance and minimization, if you ask me,and that is really deleterious and causes more misery.

 

[Al_Lurker]

... The ignorance, the carte blanche sweeping generalizations of trauma based events (such as rape etc), consequently lead to more ignorance and minimization, if you ask me,and that is really deleterious and causes more misery.

It's much easier to generalize and avoid than it is to be faced with unpleasant things. Sadly, that's how most lead their lives, simply avoiding the unpleasant things and pretending they can't happen to them or someone they love.