Has Anyone Ever Gotten An Apology, A Real One, For The Things Done To You? Did It Even Matter?

[warathome]

Amends are for the benefit of the wrongdoer, not the one who was hurt. Sometimes "I'm sorry" is not enough, it does not bring back those things and people you have lost.

 

[Philippa]

I have received constant 'sorry's' from one brother, who went on to escalate his abusive behavior more and more every time I saw him, for the last 20 years...so sorry means nothing when it comes from the mouth of someone who has it in their personality to be abusive.

From my father, and mother, no apologies, only them telling me I have to forgive them because they are old...and purely so they can feel that they've been let off the hook for things they don't even know they did, because all their behavior has been unconsciously acting out behavior done to them, or as a result of their own issues that they refuse to look at.

My mother did confess to needing to change...and it seemed real...but then she turned around and did a 360 degree turn back to her old ways, and it turned out to be more manipulations to get me to see them again. She never meant it.

Saying sorry seems to be the hardest thing for most humans. I never found it that hard that I couldn't do it...uncomfortable yes, and I had to surrender my pride and ego and admit that I hurt someone, which felt bad...but this is something they cannot let themselves do, because it is too uncomfortable to see how they really are, as opposed to how they see themselves through their egos illusion.

I think just the acknowledgement would help so much, but I am not holding any hope of that to happen, and they won't get the chance to now anyway. I am not opening myself up to any more of their behavior, so even if they want to apologize, they won't get the chance to now. I sense that they know deep down what they've done, but they just cannot bring themselves to say it. I've heard so many lies and falseness and deceit from them in my life that I wouldn't believe it anyway. My mother almost had me convinced last time, but I never quite believed her.

I agree with warathome...sorry isn't enough. Sorry means "I will never do that again" and that's not something any of them can promise, and mean. They have already proved it to be true so many times. If I could be sure they really knew what they were sorry for, then it would help definitely...but they are such good actors.

 

[The Albatross]

The reason an amends is given is not for the "benefit of the wrongdoer". An amends is more than an apology. An amends has to do with restoring justice as much as possible. The idea is to restore in a direct way that which we have broken or damaged--or to make restoration in a symbolic way if we can't do it directly.

Just wanted to clear that up.

My father gave me an apology, it was not an amends, but it was enough. He was reviewing his life and wanted to come to account for his part in my abuse and consequent life difficulties.

 

[pathos]

The kind of apology that I think is genuine is the kind that does not make excuses or explanations, and does not require forgiveness. It is an apology for its own sake - I am sorry, genuinely, I know what I did was wrong. Excusing behavior is saying it was not 100% wrong, there was an actual reason for it; I don't care or believe your reason. It was wrong. You had a choice. And forcing me to forgive you is not a genuine apology. Maybe I don't forgive you, even though you're sorry. That's my choice.

I haven't received this kind of apology. I've received an apology with excuses, where they still believe what they did is the right thing.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Pretty bitter to say that amends don't benefit the victim! I guess with that point of view, warathome, you never apologize to anyone. I mean, now that you see it as a purely selfish act!!

 

[Loner]

Never gotten one from my parents, I think if they did it would just be an attempt to elicit pity or some other reaction from me. Gotten at least thousands from my brother at least, although they were just words, his actions always spoke differently.

Not sure if it would matter. Kind of think it probably wouldn't. My mother was manipulative cold and calculating, and abused me emotionally and sexually. I don't think shes capable of feeling remorse. I wouldn't even want to talk to her to get an apology. She trained my brother to constantly torment me. My father was wild unpredictable and often spiteful and rageful, but I think deep down he actually cared about me, and feels shame at how he treated me. I'd accept an apology from my father, if it was sincere, although I doubt it would be.

What effect does it have on anything now though? Not much really. I don't need any of them to validate that the way they treated me was horrible.

 

[warathome]

An amends is more than an apology. An amends has to do with restoring justice as much as possible. The idea is to restore in a direct way that which we have broken or damaged--or to make restoration in a symbolic way if we can't do it directly.

Actually Merriam Webster defines amends as "compensation for a loss or injury". There are some things that can be lost, that no amount of compensation makes up for.

Merriam Webster defines apology as "an admission of error or discourtesy accompanied by an expression of regret" and " a formal justification"

I am sorry, but my trauma was more than a discourtesy, and an admission by those responsible will not be formal justification.

I do not want to be a part of their amends or their regret. I just do not want them to still have that much focus on me. I want them to leave me alone, completely.

 

[SilentWarDiva]

Pretty bitter to say that amends don't benefit the victim!

Let me start by saying I believe that amends can benefit the victim in some situations. At the right time and place, with the right circumstances, apologies and amends have the potential to help people willing to accept them.

However, in what I've seen, attempts to make amends often come from the wrongdoer's want or need to unburden their conscience, soul, whatever you believe in. People often apologize (or make amends...my apologies for any misunderstandings of the semantic differences) because they feel guilty, and no amount of guilt or remorse can right the wrongs of some people's traumas. I completely understand the notion of "what's done is done" and no matter how the wrongdoer may feel about it now, the act occurred-- the victim's experience is the victim's experience.

In addition, I think reaching forgiveness is what truly benefits the victim (not that forgiving is required of the victim by any means, nor is it a pre-requisite for healing), with or without bringing the offender into the picture. Forgiveness can occur with or without an apology or any action on the part of the offender. A simple apology, or even amends, may not have a profound impact on the victim's world view, their reaction to the trauma, their healing, or any other repercussions related to the offense(s) at hand.

And, going back to the original answer to this post. No, I've never gotten any sort of apology for my traumatic experiences.

 

[The Albatross]

actually Merriam Webster defines amends as "compensation for a loss or injury".

I said, "An amends has to do with restoring justice as much as possible. The idea is to restore in a direct way that which we have broken or damaged--or to make restoration in a symbolic way if we can't do it directly."

Phonetically: You say Po-TAY-to, I say po-TAH-to. You say to-MAY-to, I say to-MAH-to. ;)

The thing about the recipient of an amends, is that the person is free to accept or reject it as they wish. It is a matter of personal choice and there is quite a spectrum of things that some are willing to accept an amends for. The thing is, it does not become the recipient's choice unless an amends is offered.

 

[Candleflames]

I find the variety of points brought up here to be both fascinating and helpful as I explore my own feelings. I can see each of these points of view to be valid in many different scenarios. From my question of whether or not an apology was helpful to any particular individual we have touched on some important aspects of what goes into this process. I'd like to sum up and put it together on a continuum. Kind of like a thinking out loud to help me put all the pieces together. Please correct me if you see your point misrepresented. I may have misunderstood your point.

It seams, as a group, we have come up with five distinct steps in the process of apologizing. It's the necessity and helpfulness of each steps that is called into question. On the part of the wrongdoer there can be an admission of wrongdoing, an expression of remorse and an attempt at making amends. On the our end we can choose to accept an apology or not and we can accept the attempt at amends or not. We can also choose to not participate at all by severing all contact. Did I miss anything?

Any combination of these different parts are difficult to deal with and takes great strength. I admire those of you who tried whether or not your process was helpful. I'm a little envious of people who can be open to the possibility of healing even if they are vulnerable to more hurt during their process. Mostly because I find hope to be the most painful emotion. I admire those of you who are moving through your process regardless of what is going on with your abusers. That is a strength I am working on getting. I'm just not there yet. I do desperately want an admission. I so questioned my own perception of what was going on to me because of hearing how difficult I was and how justified they were. If only I behaved as was expected than my treatment would have been fine or so the adults around me said. So I really want to hear one of them say that they were wrong, not me.

I do want to say that I think this is a treacherous process that can lead to more harm but also a potentially cathartic process. Something that we each have to decide what is best for us. Just as our therapy is tailored to meet our unique needs. I totally agree that somethings are unforgivable. I'd go even further to say that somethings forfeit someones right to be a member of society and so off with their heads. I have some anger issues to work on as well! Yet for some people amends is exactly what is needed to repair each of them. Being an abuser is damaging to them as well as to us. I however, don't think forgiveness is possible with out an abuser doing all three of the things under their control. I see forgiveness as a reciprocal process and not something to be taken lightly. That doesn't mean one can't move on, let go and heal. But, forgiveness is the ultimate conclusion for both parties. It has be earned and given after much contemplation and healing.

Thank you everyone for sharing. This has been a very helpful conversation for me. I hope it has been for you all as well. I'd like for it to continue to be.

 

[BeeLee]

I did, from my father when I was 18, before he died. My husband and I had went to visit him around Christmas time that year and my husband wanted to take a picture of the two of us together. My dad sat at one end of the couch and I, at the other end. My husband told us to move closer, to act as though we hadn't seen each other in many years (which we truly hadn't). He moved closer to me, because I was not going to move closer to him. It was in the house in which he raped me and I could see the bed and it was triggering me majorly. He put his arms around my shoulder and then broke down and hugged me, he kept whispering to me, "I'm so sorry baby. I'm so sorry." I didn't believe him. It didn't help at all. If he was truly sorry he would not have done the things he did to me to begin with.

 

[Queen Boudica]

I do desperately want an admission. I so questioned my own perception of what was going on to me because of hearing how difficult I was and how justified they were. If only I behaved as was expected than my treatment would have been fine or so the adults around me said. So I really want to hear one of them say that they were wrong, not me.

Oh I understand that desperate need to get them to admit that they were wrong so you can believe yourself and I understand how the abusers continuous accusations that it is your fault not theirs gets you into a state where you need that validation and think you are crazy and your own reality is wrong. But then you are still in their power, you need their validation to believe in yourself. They still control you. That is not moving on.

Exactly because of all the control my abusers had over me and because they were able to twist and turn around everything so it was always my fault, that is why I had so much guilt and felt so little about myself that abuse is what I deserved and that I was the crazy one. I was brain-washed for want of a better word. When you are brain washed, the only way to get rid of those thoughts of not believing yourself is to get validation that the abuser was in the wrong and you were not to blame.

I finally got that and finally woke up when I saw a psychologist who was able to change my thinking and to help me realise how much I was abused and how much I was desensitised to that abuse and groomed into accepting it as being my fault. I also have some good friends who, when I finally talked about this and was not ashamed of it and actually partly believed myself, so I could talk about it, they confirmed even more how bad it was. In fact their reactions to the abuse were so shocked about it I realised how much I had underplayed it and tried to make it like it was not that bad (dissociated) when it was really really bad.

I finally believe myself that I was not to blame and that I should not be guilty. I am moving on. I don't want or need that apology from the abuser or admission that they were wrong because I can never trust what they say and I know they are true manipulators and never felt guilt. It does not change what they did was wrong and that I believe myself. They are liars and manipulators and, actually, truly mentally disturbed.

Moving on to me is about letting go of that need to be validated by them or to get an apology. If I waited for that I would be stuck forever. They are irrelevant. I am what is important. I have to trust myself and believe in myself if I am ever to be able to live a life free of doubts and panic and fear and never thinking I do anything is right because I need validation from someone else.