Has anyone with delayed onset had what feels like a repeat of onset?

[Ellabella44]

I'm not doing well right now. It feels like I'm going through onset of symptoms again. But with out the flashbacks and anxiety. My mood swings up and down because I'm in a lot of emotional pain right now. Drinking (just non alcoholic beer) lack of appetite. Deep depression goes from don't touch me ill break to increased libido at if you don't touch me ill explode. Racing thoughts. Wanting to run away to the beach. But even though its how I sobered up I recognize its just wanting to run away from how I'm feeling. This is all at half the strength of when my symptoms started.

And I'm at the point where I may have some bi polar going on. My father seems like he had it when we lived with him. He was pretty unstable. The only thing that makes me feel slightly ok is that some people up here have that along with ptsd as well as several other mental illnesses. I talked about it with my therapist today. She is concerned and wants me to call my aprn which I will do after I have a nap. I'm exhausted from talking about my symptoms today.

 

[Nam]

Hey. I'm an old member here and have had relapses. I had delayed onset however since my trauma was in my childhood and I didn't get real PTSD symptoms until I was 24. Delayed onset is in my diagnosis. Since then, I've had symptoms come and go and it's easily seen in my activity here. When life is good, I'm off the site. When it's not, I'm back. I can't tell you that the relapses get easier to handle, but I do think they tend not to be as severe as the onset. It's up and down from there. I'll take the ups though.

Naps are good. And as my avatar indicates, I love the beach. I'm a cold, windy kind of beach person. What are you?

 

[Ellabella44]

Mild sunny beach. Too cold to go right now. Something about the waves being stronger and more turbulent than I feel. The year I was getting sober was warm but not humid. I'd journal there. Sometimes pace back and forth unable to stop myself for a while. All the while having flashbacks etc. I'm looking into if I also have bipolar because of a lot of things in my background. One time when my husband and I started living together he worked overnight. And came home to see me cleaning the kitchen. I don't know when I started that day. I get up again now like I'm on the highest diving board watch me jump. In all wound up then. Bouncy. Spinning in my head. Screaming songs. I screamed into a pillow on the basement back then once drunk. And my husband woke up and found me doing it and crying. Other times I was sober during the day. Even the heightened libido is hard to deal with.

I don't want to back to all of that. I see my aprn Dec 13th. I'm still in therapy and on meds for ptsd and they are working. This is a whole other thing. I don't want to be wild in my head. I made seriously poor decisions. Last night we talked things over and I told him please don't let me loose myself again.

Using the non alcoholic beer is a soft relapse. 5% alcohol still there. I drowned in vodka but having the na beer is still a release. I've given myself permission to have it if I feel I'm slipping into needing to drink again. Better than the alternative of the vodka bottle I still have and sometimes glare at.

I don't want to ride the roller coaster. I've just gotten to where I've been feeling stable at least 90% of the time until this came back. I want to get help. I'm setting up my safety net. Looking up what foods etc can curb the symptoms. What can wind me down till I can see my aprn.

If this gets worse I will definitely need supervision. My daughter still lives at home while going to college so a good share of my time since in not working is with her in the house. Im going to bed when my husband or later when my daughter goes to bed.

I hate to say it but after having confidence that I can handle things. I realize I'm not doing well right now. I can't white knuckle it all by myself. Vodka is not the answer, but in afraid of losing control of myself and ending up deciding it is. That didn't end well with a suicide attempt.

I've even been away from here for a few years myself. Now I question my stability.

Hope things get better for you.

 

[Friday]

I’m not really sure what you mean by onset?

I’ve had 2 really rough times in the PTSD Badlands, each lasting about 5-7 years. Inside of those bad years there’s been both hard cycling IE Day/Night difference (symptomatic as faaaawk / relatively stable, the switch flipping as everything just comes together or falls apart in an instant), as well as gradual loss/regaining of control. Fairly brief symptom spikes or swells (few days/weeks/months) inside of a relatively stable background that gradually worsens, the bad times getting longer/harder and the good times getting shorter and more volatile... or the reverse, periods of calm gradually encroaching on the chaos.

So if by onset you mean the first time things went sideways? Symptom spikes? Cha. Hundreds of times.

But If you mean the entire time period? Bad years vs good years? Twice, in 20 years.

 

[Ellabella44]

Yep the first major head blowing up nightmare sideways. Somehow this didn't go completely sideways till I was 43. I didn't know what this was. Flashbacks almost constant sometimes. Thought I'd learned most of everything id need to carry on the last time I was here. Theres still more it seems.

 

[Chincho]

Hi. My experience is similar to Nam's. My trauma was in my childhood, but I didn't have full PTSD symptoms until I was 40.

I am also an old member here. I come to the forum whenever I'm in the bottom of the almost-bottomless pit. This happens approximately every two years. The good thing is that I know I will be better, because I have been better before. At least my brain knows it. I just have to wait for the storm to pass.