Childhood Has my possible disassociation caused damage to my own kids?

[Arty-Pelican]

I learnt to disassociate in my childhood, the how or why, doesn't matter right now. What matters is this? I've been doing a lot of thinking about why my "adults" weren't there for me when i was little, If they had of been I wouldn't be this messed up now. I'm getting better at this life thing, been educating myself, understanding why I do what I do, know that I dissociated, know that there was always a part of me that wasn't consciously present. Though initially I didn't know what it was, just knew I wasn't really feeling life to the full. When I had my kids, there wasn't anything like mindfulness, or such. Also I wasn't in any kind of therapy, so was just operating on premis of, My adults were crap, and didn't protect me. "Good" parents would act like this, or that, do this, or that,. so when I had my kids, I played the role of good mum. Tried to do all the right things, think I did ok. But... There was always this distance in my head, like I was a robot, doing the Mum role. Tried not to make mistakes, tried to protect them as much as I could, tried t let them be carefree kids as long as possible. Didn't expose them to adult issues. I can't remember being activly distant or anything like that. But given my long long history of repressing unpleasant memories, who knows? And even if I haven't repressed any memories, is it possible that my inability to be properly present, and that there was always a self protective barrier that stopped me from feeling too much, has caused damage to my kids? They all have issues as adults, one has adult ADD/anxiety depression, one has mild anxiety, and now another has come out with depression/anxiety. A lot of what is going on with them is because of whats going on in their lives, in their adult relationships etc, not something I have influence over or am responsible for . but did my parenting, my not being present, set them up for how they are now?

 

[mumstheword]

I learnt to disassociate in my childhood, the how or why, doesn't matter right now. What matters i...

There can be a genetic component to intergenerational mental health propensities, but that's not something you can control or feel responsible for. Sounds like you did an amazing job, against all odds, you were a caring and responsible parent.
I've found, with my children and their mental health issues, is that the more I work my recovery, the more available and supportive I'm able to be for them.
Parenting in this world is just plain frightening and challenging and not at all easy, so please don't use their struggles to judge yourself.
You care, and us caring but developmentally and disordered-attachment damaged types are going to struggle with feeling highly inadequate and worried about further damaging our kids. I think that just goes with the territory. You care, so you worry. If you were a bad parent, you probably wouldn't torment yourself with this kind of thinking, you'd be too selfish and non-questioning of yourself. So I think the fact that you've asked the question shows you to be a caring, responsible and loving parent.
People suffer, this is a tough world to live in, you're not responsible for that.

 

[Enaila]

People are influenced by soooo many things in our society now a days. I handled raising my children similar to what you shared, but a part of me had difficulty staying connected emotionally to them, especially as they became teens and looked/acted like their father (one of my abusers). They know I love them dearly and as young adults now, are starting to understand what all I did to make sure they had what was needed for a healthy childhood. My youngest just got a DUI and I was thrown majorly into flashbacks. I wondered why he was doing such a stupid thing and didn't he know what happens when people drink and drive? My T suggested I talk to him and share maybe some stories of life with his father who had drug and alcohol addictions...how many times my life was at risk....how many times I saved my sons from possible death until I was able to escape. I wondered, like you, if it was because I struggled so emotionally, but then I realized I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time. I kept them safe, helped them both get through school and start on careers of their own. They still call me when afraid or confused. Parenting is hard without a doubt, but without our children having some of their own trials and struggles, how will they learn to cope in this world? You are there for them now and aware. I have started to share some of my struggles with PTSD with my boys, when teachable moments come up) and can see them trying to make sense of things.

I agree with @mumstheword You sound like you are a caring, responsible, and loving parent!

 

[Deleted member 8714]

As one of my therapists, who I stayed with for 14 years, told me, our children see parents working through their "stuff" and growing and trying hard to be better parents. I compare that back to my completely dysfunctional childhood where no one gave a crap about their behavior and what it caused others in terms of physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual pain and turmoil.

I asked that T many times about this. It wasn't until my child became an adult and proved my T was right. My child has thanked me numerous times for being the mother I've been to him. He is my stepson. I raised him as if he were my son. Just the other day he thanked me again.

I homeschooled my son when I was going through some of the worst times. It was trying and it proved to be just what my son needed. He now uses those skills learned during that time for his business and is doing well in life.

I had poly-fragmented DID and PTSD during my son's entire childhood.

 

[Arty-Pelican]

Thank you all, On one level I knew all this, its just sometimes, when things are getting to me, and I overthink and feel like crap, I forget and doubt myself. thanks for reminding me