Has Ptsd Interfered With Your Life Ambitions?

[KwanYingirl]

I notice that we have some teenagers and young adults on site. They all are articulate and have a sense of sel and their trauma that has impressed me.

It got me to wondering what life plans did I let go of because of having PTSD. Not having that name for my constellation of symptoms as a teenager, but I know now that I was suffering with it as a teenager.

There was no internet. No mention of childhood abuse, sexual or otherwise. Instead of reaching out for help I took a ride on the methamphetamine train until I was legal to drink. Booze was legal and cheaper so I stayed with that for 20 years. That's how my unknown PTSD was treated. Didn't help at all.

My secret ambition was two things. I wanted to be a doctor or a singer-songwriter. I knew I didn't have the physical energy it takes to get your MD. My sleep was sporadic and I had too many nightmares. I love music and played flute in school orchestra. Even drugging didn't flame out that passion. I taught myself guitar and got good at it and I was a good poet. I wrote a lot and kept all my writings in a binder that my father in a drunken rage stole from me and threw it away. He actually said he was taking it to work to destroy it.

And I cannot tolerate people staring at me. I felt so shamed. So how could I ever sing in front of people?

If I sell my house for enough money, I'm going to learn to play the banjo.

How about the rest of you? Does this resonate with you?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Good topic, but a difficult one, too.

I ended up leaving school because I wasn't able to handle the high stress coupled with sleepless nights. I have a number of degrees, but this one was supposed to lead to my ultimate career goal. Unfortunately, it is now no longer an option. Of course, this cloud has a silver lining in that if I didn't leave school, I would be strapped with a huge amount of debt that would be life crippling. At least now my debt has been discharged.

PTSD threw me a curve ball, and I'm trying to adapt the best that I can. I am trying to take more classes and such in order to find a new path in life. I don't know if I will ever be able to have a regular job, and dealing with economic woes on top of that doesn't really help much.

 

[Faerie]

Indeed. I gave up playing music in high school, and eventually drawing and writing too. I just couldn't handle it and everything else. Now that my health in general is getting better, I've picked writing back up. It's a struggle, because it's next to impossible to write on the bad days, which are often. But on the good days....the good days are good :) and they keep me going.

 

[Friday]

Most professional singers/players dot write their own music, or don't exclusively perform their own music.

TheEx is a musician who did (does) write his own music... But he makes better money from the songs he wrote & sold. Both from royalties from big names who record those songs, as well as from the hundreds of no-names who purchase his music to try and make their own name. Also, very few aspects of the music industry are performer roles. Including players (studio musicians), and non-solo-artists (orchestras)... There are dozens of creatives roles within the scene. That said, though, even amongst the big names.... Stage fright is terribly common. There are always buckets in the green room and off stage for performers to puke in, and cold rags to help calm the sweats and shaking. A lot of the bad rap performers get about being neurotic about this brand of water, or that temp, etc. are coping mechanisms to keep their panic attacks under control. Even as no-names they still used these things, but as big names they can order other people to do them for them in advance.[DOUBLEPOST=1404612190,1404612118][/DOUBLEPOST]As far as myself? Yep. I was military. Wish I still was, most of the time. Not possible.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes, entirely.

 

[Fadeaway]

Well, I never really had any life ambitions. The thought of possibly ever having any was drilled out of me as a child, but it has kept me from perusing things as a hobby like art and music. I just feel too vulnerable to have something I created out there to be ridiculed. Yeah, logically I know that isn't going to happen now, but the fear is too strong. Even when I was completely isolated and I knew there was never any chance I was still afraid someone "might" see it.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I'm still struggling through university, but every time I fail, I kind of question my own ambition. I have been at it for over four years now, will pick it up again next September, see where it gets me. My other ambitions rise and fade with time. Sometimes I try to teach myself drumming, I write on my blog now and then.

I can see why people's gazes would make you uncomfortable while performing. I hate them too. On the other side, you still love it, so that's great. You can practice it at home, where people's gazing eyes can't reach you. Maybe record an album, and when you are in a more confident place, perform for a very select few? I'm just summing up possibilities, can't say that I have that kind of courage, yet.

I pursue one other passion that I have only just discovered recently and which is actually helping write over ptsd-induced logic, which is flying. Flying is all about focus (and so is music!) so that when you fly, you have to be so focused on what you do, that you will forget about anxiety (it works that way for me).

 

[mamachick]

I dropped out of high school and got married at age 17. I got pregnant the second time I had sex. He was bi-polar and abusive. I took my GED and some college courses, but I couldnt focus with the constant abuse, so I went to work and got a divorce. If I had ptsd, I didnt know it. I knew I had a dysfunctional family of origin. My poor self esteem interfered with any ambition. I had health problems at an early age related to stress. I worked on myself for years, and apparantly it paid off. At age 40, I went back to college full storm with a family and busy schedule. I crammed and got my bachelor degree in 2.5 yrs and with a 3.7. Went on to get my masters over next 3 yrs. Then bad stuff started happening. One event after another. Now I have no ambition.

I think that in our society we are valued by what we do, more than who we are. It is hard to pull oneself out of the mindset at my age.

 

[The Albatross]

Yeah, I had dreams and ambitions... but the dynamic was too dysfunctional and I didn't know how to carry them through to fruition. I dropped out of community college due to needing to be able to keep a roof over my own head. That put the kibosh on that. From then on it was doing what every jobs paid the bills but I didn't care. I honestly didn't think I'd be alive to age 25. I was convinced, due to all the traumas and violence, that I'd be dead by then. I dropped out of college again after my adult rape when my psychology teacher wouldn't let me drop the class one day after the drop/add period even though I came in with a police report and on advise from the rape crisis counselor. My assault was at night, my classes were at night. I couldn't go at night and was having panic attacks. I never went back.

I don't have too many dreams or ambitions anymore. That part of me is still broken and I have enough experiences to back up the idea that something really bad will happen if I dare to try. I can do it for some of my recovery stuff.... but am still thwarted in the employment department. Aside from that old Irish blessing... something like "I wish you enough", all I want pretty much is peace, calm and to be able to live reasonably comfortably in my skin being general helpful to others as I can or am able.

 

[scout86]

I agree, interesting topic!

I've been thinking about this lately, because of some things my T has brought up. It's too late in the game to make any difference, for me, so I don't know that it pays to think about it a lot. I've pretty much done what I wanted to do, but I'm starting to think what I "wanted to do" might have been different, under different circumstances. I can say, for sure, that I never expected to live this long and I planned accordingly!

I took 6 years to get an undergraduate degree. Dropped out, nearly flunked out, finally finished. Wanted to be a veterinarian, got in to vet school (a huge production, due to a truly weird undergraduate track record) flunked out of vet school. Thought about going into research, quit graduate school instead of finishing writing my Master's thesis. At the time, I thought the only problem was "me". There were probably things that I could have done, or used, to help, I just didn't know I had a problem. At that point, I guess I thought I WAS the problem. I don't always "play well with others" and I tend to "solve" problems by leaving. What I do now, I enjoy and am good at. I'm my own boss, don't have to play any games I don't want to. Can set my own schedule and pick & chose who I work for, at least to a point. I don't have to get real involved with anyone, if I don't want to. I see my clients, at most, every couple of months, no one feels compelled to ask me about my social life. This works for me.

Maybe, without PTSD, I would have HAD a social life. Maybe someone would have thought I was worth the effort of a long term relationship. Maybe I'd have been able to handle the politics of academia. I truly have no idea. Maybe, simply by nature, I'm sort of an underachiever too, and am naturally inclined to just follow the path of least resistance. I'm sure things would have been different, but I don't really know how.

 

[littlestars]

Yes, it has definitely affected my ambitions. I feel like I can't do what I would like to do because I'm so fearful of being in dangerous situations again.

 

[Resilientbibliophile]

P.T.S.D. seriously undercuts and impairs my ability to relate in an issue-free and civil manner towards other people, whereas ambitions I harbor are too frequently tossed off course for my inability to perceive the world in a manner that less traumatized individuals undoubtedly find easier to negotiate. What I might mistake for internally felt passion for this topic or that within myself may well 'only be trauma talking' and hence disproportionate to the circumstance.

With regards to academic matters it seems to be something of a trap; i.e. I doubt I'd demonstrate such intensity of attention absent lingering memories of trauma and the inescapable experience of flashbacks, whereas the trauma-tinged coloration of my perceptions can't strictly be trusted with regards to producing clean copy and transmittable perceptions others might readily share absent my specific history. In sum, others absent (or having experienced less trauma or frankly, having responded more agreeably to help availed however such may be availed) some of my experiences can function more reliably and steadily than I can in an academic and work circumstance. For myself, such has been proven time and again.

A huge challenge for this writer is to contain rage rooted in a sense of envy felt towards those who strictly haven't had to redirect energies within to fight what I'll term raging P.T.S.D. fires plus feelings of regret rooted in longstanding dissociative habits of note. 'They' seem more efficient machines by strict comparison, whereas I do believe their are strict limits to the old chestnut that 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger'. I'm far from convinced then that the experience of trauma could possibly translate into an actionable edge in sum.

What to do then? I try if you will to aggressively understand and hence equip myself to govern and/or recover quickly from circumstances that might trigger said disproportional response. Rarely can I do this 'live', but for careful editing of written work and some inbuilt code as to when and where I'll release such, some PR safeguards can be laid down to restrict the larger world access to my inner world of trauma remembrance and (sometimes fitful) containment.

Also helpful is to know more; i.e. have more than sufficient cause to react as we do given a more than sound grasp of the facts that pertain to the matter at hand. Relating such is not to condone being immature and cruel towards others, but overreaching and overreacting (by the estimate of others) can in part be offset by being especially good at what we do. Those who have achieved anything here likely mix a highly enhanced work ethic tempered with an enhanced awareness of the high costs of interpersonal strife. Carefully managed, such might translate into high achievement regardless of the existence of personal trauma history.

I sometimes say to myself for my readings of trauma/psych. materials that 'I'm penning a personal operating manual to help me negotiate social space'. People grin, although in truth I'm deadly serious, for if I cannot effectively relate to people then I will not be an effective person - period. It's terribly unfair to assume the workload of having to contain and understand the legacy of trauma which each of us house within ourselves, but such is the cost of recovering, of being effective, and further - of achieving that which we might regardless of all that has come before. Thanks...