Has Your Abuser Ever Tried To Be Your Friend

[Monarch]

It was hard at first, hell I couldn't even say I was raped, I did everything to not say I was raped, pretty much all my life. I can name them, Jeff when I was 10, Mike when I was 16 but I can't name the men that raped me when I was 20, I know my boyfriend Shannon was there but they were his friends and I had just met them that night. Pure determination to be a better parent than mine were and to not let this ruin my life, that is all I got. Almost five years of therapy, mostly every week. I still have my down times and hard times but I pull out of them eventually. We are all brave, we have survived the best we can, just keep healing, keep talking even though it hurts because eventually you do it enough and you start to believe you can do it on your own.

 

[growingpains]

Yes, my abusers and stalkers. Since my abusers were my parent's I am trying to not have any contact with them but it is hard. People don't understand because my life has been threatened by them so I try not to have any relationship with them but at times I slip up and write. It is tough to break free from the people that gave you life and tried to take it away, and needing to be free from them to feel free to live. :( Bottom line--try to minimize the dysfunction in your life by eliminating the dysfunctional people first. This is much easier said than done.

 

[Gloria]

Growing Pains,
I can so relate to you. The only contact I had with my family of origin for twenty years was because I took care of my sister. It is so hard around the holidays not to have a family. It's really been hard. But my dear little brother and sister did not distance themselves from our family of origin and both of them got so messed up and sadly ended up committing suicide. So it may hurt to distance yourself from your family but it might hurt you more if you don't rise above their dysfunction and live a healthy life.

Sometimes it takes all the strength I have to keep reminding myself that they are the ones that are sick. My half-brother's son (my nephew) ended up molesting young girls and I printed out his mug shot from the child molester's internet site. (In the U.S., you can go on-line and look up all the registered child molesters). So sometimes when I doubt myself, I remember that my nephew was a convicted of molesting young girls. It couldn't be a co-incidence. I actually still want to believe that it was my imagination and that my brother really did not do this to me. But then I look at my nephew's picture. It's proof to me that they are sick. I want so badly to forgive but I cannot afford to forget.

Hang in there!

 

[Monarch]

toxic families, nothing worse, probably a majority of us come from one. No one me until i was an adult that my grandfather committed suicide, I always thought he died of a heart attack. Funny, my parents don't know much about me, they don't know about this PTSD thing, they don't know about my suicide attempts and they don't know about my traumas, as far as they know I am just a normal person...guess I hide it well. I don't trust them enough to tell them anything.

 

[growingpains]

toxic families, nothing worse, probably a majority of us come from one. No one me until i was an adult that my grandfather committed suicide, I always thought he died of a heart attack. Funny, my parents don't know much about me, they don't know about this PTSD thing, they don't know about my suicide attempts and they don't know about my traumas, as far as they know I am just a normal person...guess I hide it well. I don't trust them enough to tell them anything.

I just wanted to say I can totally relate to what you wrote (except of the part about your grandfather--so sorry you lost him that way). My parent's don't know anything about me. I was suicidal for a year before I brought up the fact that I cut myself daily and wanted to die... From the flashbacks I have I think my mother tried to kill me a few times and my dad really didn't care if I lived or died. They totally fit the psychopath/narcissist "symptoms" though nobody who has those disorders ever thinks they have a problem so they never get diagnosed officially until they do something crazy and get caught. I suspect my siblings all have disorders too but I don't have contact with my family anymore. That is tough when I am not even 30 yet. But at the same time I feel very adult for this choice--I am taking responsibility for my mental health. The worst was that my parent's always called me mentally ill even though they were--projecting much? I was so happy when I moved out at 18 and my therapist told me that the only diagnosis I had was PTSD. I almost danced around his office...life is funny sometimes. It is hard getting over the fact that everyone outside of our family thinks my parents and sibs are healthy and wonderful successful people when I know their true colors. But I moved out and on with my life and could care less what they do now. I have so much less anxiety and stress just from eliminating them from my life. Sorry I ramble. Long story short--yes toxic families are a biotch... It doesn't make you NOT normal because your body reacted on your traumas either Monarch...we are only human. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself--you have been through a lot. "virtual hug"

 

[Lethe]

toxic families, nothing worse, probably a majority of us come from one. No one me until i was an adult that my grandfather committed suicide, I always thought he died of a heart attack. Funny, my parents don't know much about me, they don't know about this PTSD thing, they don't know about my suicide attempts and they don't know about my traumas, as far as they know I am just a normal person...guess I hide it well. I don't trust them enough to tell them anything.

I know what you mean. I can keep enough of a facade up between what I'm really going through and my parents that they think everything's fine. I suspect that if I told them the truth, that I really don't think of them as my parents and that I don't have any sort of connection beyond some sense of obligation, that there would just be a huge mess that I'd have to deal with on top of everything else. So I just put the fake smile on whenever they come around and talk about idle little topics that don't go anywhere.

Every so often, my sister tries to talk to me. I'm always torn about it. I know she doesn't remember what she did to me and that she's not really even the same person now that she's actually been diagnosed and is getting treatment for the schizophrenia. It's just hard to separate who she is now with who she was 20 years ago. Maybe in a few years I'll be able to make that distinction, but right now I can't.

 

[Monarch]

My friends are more like family to me than my own blood relatives, you can pick your friends, can't pick your family :) Lethe, forgiveness is where you will find the healing with your sister, it isn't for her it is for you and once you forgive then you can move on and for me it has been the most amazing experience, beyond my wildest dreams.

 

[sassyfras]

Hey, just wanted to come on this thread and say that I know how you feel. My abuser tries to contact me a lot. He is delusional and thinks in his head that we'll be back together someday. It drives me up the wall and I go into hysterics practically whenever he calls or emails. I've changed my number three times and still he finds a way to get a hold of me. I'm really scared he's going to come "get me." He threatened a lot of crazy stuff including kidnapping me. I've just recently been trying EFT to ground myself and relax which seems to be helping.

I always think about what my mom told me- sometimes people are very sick, and they just don't get better and they just wont ever change.

I think the thing that drives me up the wall the most about PTSD, is that (as far as I know or can recall) this is the only disorder that is caused by another person, or by external things happening in our environment around us that are not our fault. It's a big struggle, but I think that means we need outside external influences (like talk therapy, even this forum) to help sort through all this. Good Luck!!