Relationship Have Been Online Friends With A Canadian Woman With Ptsd For 10 Years; I Am In The Usa

[Chris516]

She has always been critical of me to a certain extent. When I had re-installed Yahoo Messenger on my computer, in April of 2012, after keeping it off my computer for nine months, she 'raised the roof', wondering where I had been for so long. I have often wondered, if her criticism is her way of saying she is jealous because I am not in a relationship with her. (I think) she recently broke up with her boyfriend of four years. Her criticism while foul-mouthed, she has never called me a nasty name. So, That is why I am wondering.

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Christopher

 

[arfie]

Hi Christopher. Welcome to the forum.

Trying to figure out why other people do what they do or say what they say is risky business, at best. Analyzing my own say or do is tough enough, and I have access to all the data. Theoretically.

She is the one to ask. Yours to ask is whether she is worth the risk. All relationships involve risk.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Welcome to the forum, has your friend been diagnosed by a professional with PTSD and if so for how long and is she receiving treatment for it? Also there is a fair difference between (for example) a road traffic incident, adult rape and long term childhood abuse. For example someone who'd had a very bad car crash might still have trust issues, but these would be less likely to be the result of being proved not to trust anyone and possibly not physical, where as someone who'd been raped would have fear both in trusting people emotionally, physically and sexually as would a child abuse survivor, however there trust issues maybe deeper and have additional issues with dissociation and maybe personality disorders. So if you know this might give us some more information to be able to help you with, although it varies greatly from individual to individual.

A lot of us with PTSD can be overly critical of others as a defense mechanism to not allow other peoples behaviours to be harmful to us, to test others to make sure that they are "safe" to us and just like most people we can be cranky but the PTSD can rev it up a notch. However not knowing your friend or anything about her, it is of course possible that she could be jealous.

Why is it that you want to know if it's jealousy or not, is it because this behaviour is having a negative influence and perhaps ruining your friendship, because you want to know if she might be interested in you as more than a friend or something else. Sorry for the interrogation, it's just this is very complex and we don't have much to work with to help you or provide some answers.

 

[The Albatross]

I have read, and re-read the initial post several times now and am trying to figure out how you are a "supporter"? An online friend of ten years should have enough of a track record and trust to deal with this up front. This post is bugging the crap out of me.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Some context could probably help. For example, have you talked to her in those nine months that you did not have yahoo messenger installed? If you didn't, did you tell her (before hand) that you would be taking the messenger off your computer and unable to talk?

If you didn't, you can't blame her for getting pissed. Anybody would, even if they didn't have PTSD and also if they weren't interested in you romantically. She obviously cares for you, as a friend anyway, or she wouldn't react like that. But I agree with Arfie, it's better to ask her yourself.

 

[Chris516]

Hi Christopher. Welcome to the forum.

Trying to figure out why other people do what they do or say what they say is risky business, at best. Analyzing my own say or do is tough enough, and I have access to all the data. Theoretically.

She is the one to ask. Yours to ask is whether she is worth the risk. All relationships involve risk.

That is the easy answer.

 

[Echo]

@Chris516 - I am really not sure what you want us to say. That everyone with PTSD is a nightmare? That we can't be communicated with? That we are likely to be jealous when you have absented yourself from our lives for such a long time? We are not made on a conveyor belt. Neither do we all have PTSD for remotely the same reason. Without wishing to be rude, given that we have so little to go on here, you might do better to call a psychic. I really don't know what you are hoping to learn about PTSD here, since you are not even engaged enough with this woman to be her supporter. Not that you are obligated to be. But you have come here for a reason. Perhaps I am being dense. Would you mind giving us a bit more of an idea what you are wanting from us, those of us who suffer from PTSD 24 hours a day and those of us who support sufferers in a committed way? We will try to help, if it is appropriate for us to do so.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't see how this has anything to do with PTSD. Honestly, you are so detached from her as to ignore her for nine months. I don't see you as a supporter if you're honestly wondering why she got mad when you disappeared for nine months. Perhaps she assumed that after talking to her for years on end that you actually cared for her. But, if you honestly think you can disappear from someone's life for that long with no repercussions, you're wrong. Don't blame her reaction on her PTSD. Blame her reaction on your careless and thoughtless behavior. Not everything is PTSD. This one doesn't approach it by a long shot.

 

[Chris516]

Why is it that you want to know if it's jealousy or not, is it because this behaviour is having a negative influence and perhaps ruining your friendship, because you want to know if she might be interested in you as more than a friend or something else.

Thank you for your in-depth response.

I am aware of criticism being a defense mechanism.

The reason I was thinking her criticism of me might be jealousy, is because we have always been friends' regardless of anyone else. Also, That I have taken a keen interest, instead running when her 'negativity' flares up. As for it ruining our friendship, that is where I am stubborn as a bull. Sure she may irk me at times. But instead of running away. It makes me more determined to find out more than I already know, about why she is the way she is towards me.

 

[Chris516]

An online friend of ten years should have enough of a track record and trust to deal with this up front.

Yes, I feel, I can tell her anything. Also, We have been supportive of each other in several situations, like I originally said. I asked here, because I wanted second opinions. I did call RAINN yesterday for their feedback. They seemed to think, that the behavior was a 'learned' behavior, instead of being a result of the PTSD. I am not so sure I agree with what RAINN said.

 

[Chris516]

For example, have you talked to her in those nine months that you did not have yahoo messenger installed? If you didn't, did you tell her (before hand) that you would be taking the messenger off your computer and unable to talk?

If you didn't, you can't blame her for getting pissed.

I am not blaming her at all, for being mad about me removing Yahoo Messenger without telling her. Since she 'supposedly' thinks we are just friends', it is the level of her reaction that I saw. A very recent similar example was, my mother and a friend of hers that lived in town. After the other woman's father died, my mother didn't hear from her for a year. But, While my mother fretted over her friend, she didn't have a conniption fit. That is why I feel there is more under the surface somewhere, that my friend is either, afraid to tell me, or has wanted to tell me but certain circumstances preclude her from doing so.

 

[Chris516]

@Chris516 - I am really not sure what you want us to say. That everyone with PTSD is a nightmare? That we can't be communicated with? That we are likely to be jealous when you have absented yourself from our lives for such a long time?

Good heavens, no. I know that everyone with PTSD is not the same. Because, If I thought that, it would be like cars coming off the assembly line. So, I know they are not the same. Not only in the circumstances that brought about PTSD. But also in how a person reacts to their particular situation.

I am not trying to learn about PTSD. My father was in Vietnam as a journalist, during the Vietnam War.

I don't believe in psychics'.

What I want/am looking for, is feedback/possibilities as to why she will push me away, then wonder why I am ignoring her. RAINN says it is a learned behavior, instead of part of the PTSD. But I don't agree.