Relationship Have Been Online Friends With A Canadian Woman With Ptsd For 10 Years; I Am In The Usa

[Kas_Can_Fly]

To me it sounds not especially PTSD or insecure even. It sounds like she wants to be your friend but when it actually gets to trying it, she get's irritated and/scared/put off. Part of this is likely her own insecurities which you have reinforced by disappearing and part of this is probably her getting either irritated, angry or scared of you and then wanting space. If it's only fear, then this is possibly caused by whatever her trauma is and if she's angry/irritated it's likely to be that you don't understand her and/or make generalisations/presumptions that are incorrect, stereotypical, patronising and possibly offensive. When triggered, some of us with PTSD to push people we care about away, but it's never taken lightly and often lasts for a long time because we feel so guilty and ashamed that we don't know how to get back to the people we care about.

Of course there is always the fact that the two of you might not actually get on that well, or even if you like her, maybe she doesn't like you - this could be because of previous trauma - you or your behaviours might remind her of an abuser or it could be unfortunately entirely personal. Sometimes, things are exactly what they seem and she seems to be at least some of the time trying to distance herself from your relationship. You obviously seem to think she might have some serious interest in you, either as a friend or romantically, but here all you've told us about is the negatives. Right now even if she did like you it sounds like it would make for a disastrous (to both parties involved) relationship. So rather than you asking us if the negatives could be a possible sign of her interest in you, can I ask what are the positive signs she might be?

Also if you please share a rough idea of what caused her PTSD you might get more useful help.

 

[Chris516]

Kas, While I agree not telling her about my un-installing Yahoo Messenger was not exactly smart on my part, and could even be interpreted as another person abandoning her. No sooner, after wanting me out of her life, she goes to to wanting me in her life. So any 'irritation' she might feel towards me, becomes moot. I know that some people with PTSD push people away. Like you said, when some people with PTSD push away, it usually lasts for a long time. Which is what I expected, every single time she has pushed me away. I have never taken things lightly. But I also stopped taking things personally a long time ago, when she was critical of me. Because, I am so used to her push/pull pattern.

I wondered for a long time, IF I ticked her off so much, why would she even want to talk to me. I originally thought, things were just as she says. Until I noticed a pattern. I do think she has SOME interest. No I am not being egotistical. When there was a power blackout in those few months(Apr.'12-Jun.'12) that knocked out power to six states and Washington, DC, she got ticked when I couldn't talk to her. I couldn't call her because she never gave me her phone number of the place she was living in at the time, and it would have been a non-essential international call. But going on the pattern of her behavior. Because, It is push/pull.

Now, What are the positives. I have known her a long time, and we know each other's physical health issues. She knows me better than most other women locally or online do, despite the distance. We have always had a strange(dare I say weird) communication style. Between April(when I re-installed Yahoo Messenger) n' June(when she collapsed at work and fell into a six-week coma) of 2012, we utilized Yahoo Messenger Voice Chat daily, as she was getting her elementary age daughter ready for school. She was pleasant during that entire time. So, I know she can be pleasant again.

She has never told me more, than her having PTSD. I haven't pressed her for the cause of her PTSD, because I felt that my doing so, would cause her trauma and flashbacks. So I figured, she would tell me, when she is ready.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

As you aren't close to each other (geographically) and creating nor maintaining a solid, safe, reliable and transparent relationship doesn't seem likely I would abandon the idea of a romantic relationship and just maintain your friendship, if something changes later on, or you decide to have this conversation with her or she tells you something more concrete about whether she is attracted to you, I would ask her.

If she hasn't told you her trauma after 10 years, it's likely she isn't comfortable sharing it or doesn't trust you enough. Other than that, it's very difficult to know how much is your shared weirdness and how much is individual. Personally I find it incredibly difficult to understand most of this thread. If you want to know more, do a hell of a lot of reading on both PTSD and what is commonly referred to as CPTSD.

My recommendation would be to ask her, even about the cause of her PTSD, there are broad ways of answering that which would not be so deeply traumatic and your asking make show her that you care. I also think you need to be prepared to back off - of both any romantic interest between the two of you and your friendship, because in all seriousness, her behaviour towards you is far from friendly.

Lastly, insecurity can be a huge thing for some people, even if there is a rational explanation (such as a black out), it can cause extreme pain, anxiety and distrust - this may seem odd to you, but to her it may be enormous, so may be things you say - so much that even if she knows it doesn't mean you hate her or you're going to abandon her, it feels like a certainty. So even if accidental, the thoughtlessness that is involved with cutting a main mean of contact for over half a year would likely ruin your relationship forever. At this point I think it's pretty amazing that she's still talking to you, even if sporadically.

I really think you need to talk to her and maybe try being less strange/wierd and provide a slight stability to your relationship. Right now it sounds like a field of red flags and land mines. I think your vague and unusual response has also possibly triggered some people here or at least rubbed some backs up the wrong way judging by responses. Honesty and transparency is the key here. Good luck.

 

[Echo]

Just one last point, you speak about this woman's push/pull attitude. I would politely suggest that one could also interpret your behaviour, from the little you say, as also being similar. Uninstalling Yahoo Messenger, whatever the consequences, if it was the only means of communication you were regularly using and disappearing out of someone's life for months, and then turning up again must surely fall into this category. I always feel it is worth asking myself if I am displaying any of the behaviours I feel irritated or upset by in other people, rather than blaming them. It is usually the case that both parties are doing the same thing in different ways. You might find it useful also to read up about projection.

 

[Chris516]

I have asked her frank non-essential questions in the past.

As for reading up on PTSD, not only did I see traumatic pictures of the Vietnam War, that my father brought back from Saigon, when he was journalist for TIME Magazine. That was in the early 1970's. Then, from Nov.'02-Jan.'07 I was in abusive relationship with a mentally ill woman for four years. So I endured severe emotional abuse. The reason I stayed, was because I tried to get her the mental health help. While I saved her physical life on several occasions, having to battle with an idiotic medical system. So, I was an 'emotional' punching bag to her.

As for asking, or backing off, I already do that at times. Like when she cuts contact, then accuses me of ignoring her. I know her behavior is far from friendly.

As for any potential insecurity on her part, that has always been a concern of mine. Yes, I can certainly see how the blackout was emotionally big to her, but not to me. The distrust element pursuant to the blackout bugs me, because I couldn't contact her at all.

I said strange/weird because if you were to see a Yahoo conversation between her n' I, would probably be wondering why I didn't high tail it in the other direction.

As for honesty and transparency, I have been both. But I have been ripped to shreds, when I was looking for advice. But I am not the 'devil'.

In terms of potentially 'triggering' responders to this thread, I won't apologize because, I am not going to 'walk around on eggshells', in a search for advice. Will I be brutal, no. But I am not going to walk around on eggshells, either. I had to do that with my bi-polar ex.

Lastly, I found this thread from 2010: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/fear-of-abandonment.32128/

 

[Chris516]

Echo, You really 'slipped on your cheese', and/or 'have a vacancy in the attic', if you genuinely think I am 'projecting'. I never said I was irritated or upset by her behavior. I came here for advice on what she potentially might be thinking since she keeps going from wanting to cut all contact. To wondering why I am ignoring her.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You're taking all her behavior and throwing it all into a big ole PTSD bucket. Well, it doesn't work that way.

The yo-yo'ing could be a part of PTSD. Her being mad because you walked away for 9 months without a word is called being human.

And you're trying to apply normal people concepts to a PTSD situation. Doing this won't work. Yes, if she is stressed, she will push you away, but later come back. There are literally hundreds of posts regarding this issue here on the forum. It boils down to the stress cup phenomenon, but I don't think you want to hear this as it involves understanding PTSD.

 

[Echo]

Chris, I have neither slipped on cheese nor do I have a vacancy in my attic. Is this another instance of projecting, which by the way requires no irritation or upset? Since you are not prepared to listen and instead wish to insult people trying to assist you, despite your vagaries, I'm going to leave you to it.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Well what ever the ins and outs are I think its great that you want to be there for her and be supportive. All I will say is there is only so much support that is healthy for you and her. Just play it by ear and take it slow, reading and asking questions is the right way to go though, so you're doing the right sort of things. Again, good luck.

 

[Chris516]

Solara, Yes, I am attributing it to PTSD. Because of the drastic repetitive mood swings. Supposing she were angry at me outside of PTSD for non-communication for nine months. Why the level of anger? Way more than just saying 'That really hurt, please don't do it again'. Also, Following her getting released from the hospital in Aug.'12, she profusely apologized for all the years of criticism towards me.

 

[Chris516]

Kas, Yes, there is only so much I can do for her.

 

[Nicolette]

Echo, You really 'slipped on your cheese', and/or 'have a vacancy in the attic'

However tactfully or politely you write a response referencing a negative personal assumption of an individual it is attacking - please respect people's opinions even if different.