Relationship Have I Made An Irreparable Mistake?

[Peach]

Hi everyone, I'm new here. *waves* I started to post an introduction for myself but quickly realized I was just getting into the meat of my problem - why I'm here. So I decided to scrap that and just jump right in. Settle in for a book…it’s a little long. Sorry. :p


I met a man online 2 years ago and my world came to a crashing halt! We instantly took a liking to each other and started corresponding. He told me early on that he had combat PTSD so I did some research, read the books, and lurked around message boards. Emails were exchanged daily and eventually we started skyping for hours on end every week. Despite the fact that he lives an ocean away, the feelings of friendship turned into something more.

We had our ups and downs, though generally things went smoothly. Even the misunderstandings (sometimes cultural) and PTSD induced rough patches were welcomed by me because I think that from those lower places we can grow and become stronger. Our communication sometimes took us into his darker parts that made him very uncomfortable, but I was so happy that he trusted me with his words and put his own comfort aside to let me in. There were one or two occasions where he was already starting to spiral, unbeknownst to me, and I would unintentionally say something that would set him off and we’d need a few days to repair the tiny bit of damage done before we got back to normal.

I’ve since come to realize his pattern when things get a little shaky. 1) He shuts down his emotions and detaches himself, acting as if we could stop communicating right then and there and he would be okay with it. 2) He half-heartedly pushes me away. 3) He says goodbye, like he is freeing me from the burden of his company, and runs away.

He does sometimes talk down about himself, but I tell him he is much too harsh and I wish he could see himself how I do. I’ve suspected for quite some time that he wants a real relationship, that of a man and a woman, with me, but he is afraid – afraid of getting hurt? Afraid of hurting me? Afraid he isn’t good enough? I don't know.

As for me…I fell for him long ago and try to do everything in my power to make him as happy as possibly. I have never seen him as a man with PTSD – he is just a man whom I admire very much. I hate that he suffers, and I would happily help carry his load if it were possible.

Just a month ago I returned home from a trip to visit him. He opened his home to me for 2 weeks, and indeed did a ton of work, on both himself and his house, to get ready before I even got there. He was an amazing host and we both had a great time. I let him take the lead as far as furthering our relationship was concerned. I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable by coming on too strong – I know he takes things slowly. And I was pleased as punch to find myself so cared for as he held my car door, always made sure I was happy and entertained, he cooked and fixed my plates. He fed me…literally held the spoon to my lips! We had playful touches and meaningful hugs. Ate and drank after each other. We talked for hours from evening into the wee morning and laughed the entire time. He introduced me to his closest friends and showed me many facets of his life. It was like being in a movie. I loved being treated like a queen and did my best to return the favor. I started to really imagine the life we could have together.

Then, it all came crashing down.

Upon returning home I had some rather large life decisions to make, including; should I remodel my home to improve the resale value (since I would be selling should he ask me to move in with him), should I go back to school and make that career move I’ve been thinking about, etc. All decisions that I couldn’t make without discussing things with him first. I needed to know where, if anywhere, we were going and what he wanted out of this.

So I asked him 3 weeks ago…and it all hit the fan. He went quiet for a few days while he thought things through. In the end he told me that though he does want that closeness with me, he didn’t feel like he could function in a relationship, but he didn’t want to go into detail. I was heartbroken. And despite the fact that he is the one who turned me down, I feel like he broke his own heart, as well. I took a few days to mourn the loss of the future I had imagined for us, but knew immediately that he was still my best friend, and now that I knew friendship was all it would ever be, I was happy to continue on in that direction and he said he was as well.


But while I had been healing, I didn’t realize he was stewing. He wrote me another email, and this time I could see the tone had changed back into the way he speaks when his PTSD has “taken over.” He followed the steps I mentioned above, but this time, actually followed through with the running away...mostly. He said he wouldn’t skype with me anymore and despite my handful of upbeat emails, he’s been limiting himself to 1 or 2 responses a week. The length and topics he’s been writing have been sloooowly been getting back to normal, but then he seems to take a step back again. And yes, he is initiating contact with me at times.

But this has all got me so stressed out I can’t stand it! I vacillate between being immensely hurt to wanting to strangle him! But I keep those feelings to myself because I don’t want to add to his stress – which in and of itself may not be healthy for us long term had there been more. I am terrified of doing the wrong thing. I don’t want to lose his friendship, so I’m on eggshells. I just want things to go back to the way they were before. I fear I have royally screwed up, but the truth is that I really did need to know if we had a future before I could choose my next path.

He’s never been like this before (not nearly to this extent) and I am at a loss. How do I fix this???

I don’t think this is him talking, it seems like the PTSD is in the driver’s seat. I’m not sure how I should handle him when he’s like this. It’s pretty clear he is still thinking of me, but at the same time it’s like he’s trying to slam the steel door on his already numbed emotions and just cut me from his life without looking back. Do I leave him alone until he comes to me? Or will he interpret this as if I don't want to talk to him. Do I write everyday as I normally would and hope that when he gets his head on straight again that he’ll see that I’m still here and haven’t bailed on him like so many others in the past? If you have PTSD, how do you prefer for your loved ones to handle something like this?

I know there are no clear answers to this, but if you have a thought, please share it because I’m flying solo here and every little bit has got to help. You can see this from the outside looking in and maybe have a clearer view, offer some insight as you see it.

I do know one thing though, I will fight for this...for him. I know he's worth the time and effort and I am a better person for having known him.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

PS: Those are our shadows together in my avatar. Took that pic on my vacation. Thought it was fitting and beautiful, and anonymous all at the same time. LOL

 

[anonymous]

How do you fix it? I'm not sure that you can. I do advise giving him space.

How much time have you actually spent with him....I mean total time, and total consecutive time. It really does take spending a lot of time with someone continuously before truly knowing if you're compatible with them. I ask as I knew someone who had a long distance relationship of almost a decade....maybe a month or so after the wedding they knew they weren't compatible. Its easy to be in "fun" mode for a weekend, a week, or even two. Its not until you're with someone for an extended period of time do you find out about true compatibility. Have you considered a trial period of living with him for at least three months? If this isn't feasible for financial reasons, I'd say that perhaps you need to let this relationship go. That is, if you can't put the relationship to the test, then its not worth the risk of upending your entire life to move to another country and have to deal with all that comes with it as your entire life will literally change. (Selling your home, leaving your job, leaving your entire life behind including family and friends, moving to a new country, finding a new job in said country, and so on.)

But back to the main issue... Its one thing to progress a relationship with someone who lives on the other side of town. Its another thing to push things forward with someone who lives on the other side of the ocean. You're asking him about major life changes. This is enough to send any PTSD sufferer spiraling. He is likely under a ton of stress as you've essentially hinged your ENTIRE future on a single solitary decision that he is to make. (I'm sure that you can see how this can be stressful to a non-PTSD person, but to a PTSD person, its a heck of a lot more stressful.)

 

[Peach]

I'm sorry, I guess I wasn't clear. There is nothing for us beyond friendship, I was willing to move if things headed in that direction, but now I know they won't and never will.

He said he still wants to be friends, but seems to think that means only the "odd email." There are no hard feelings on my end and I'm ready to move on. The future needed to be discussed so we were both on the same page. Why can't we continue to talk knowing we have a solid friendship and there are no expectations for more? I don't know why he's cutting himself from my life over this.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Hi @Peach, welcome to the forum!

I noticed a couple things...

I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable by coming on too strong – I know he takes things slowly.

That's good... PTSD tends to make sufferers spook easily when it comes to relationships.

Upon returning home I had some rather large life decisions to make, including; should I remodel my home to improve the resale value (since I would be selling should he ask me to move in with him), should I go back to school and make that career move I’ve been thinking about, etc. All decisions that I couldn’t make without discussing things with him first. I needed to know where, if anywhere, we were going and what he wanted out of this

^ I don't know him, but I'm willing to bet this spooked him. Was it perfectly reasonable to ask him these things? You betcha. If it was a normal relationship with a healthy partner and not a PTSD relationship, you'd need to ask these questions so you can plan for the future. PTSD doesn't work like that. Sufferers tend to work in a survival mode, getting by day to day. Many of them can't fathom making it to the future. It seems to be pretty common for supporters to hear "if we're still together next month" or "if I'm still around in a year" etc. I don't think it is that they necessarily feel negative about the relationship... they just can't seem to fathom life working out. There are many many supporters on here who can testify to it. Planning ahead for the future can be overwhelming for a sufferer if they cant even see *A* future period.

Also, you guys just met in person and spent time together, changing the dynamic of your relationship... that alone could have caused him to panic. Unfortunately, when you are in love with a sufferer, a lot of positive milestones are followed by a PTSD induced retreat. Good stress is still stress, and that cup loves to overflow.

The best advice I can give you is to breathe, relax, and just roll with it. I would just email him like you always do and just let him respond as he does. No pressure, just chatting. he may eventually relax and get back to where you were before.

Welcome to the PTSD relationship cha-cha.

 

[BlueOrange]

Give him a chance to miss you. Have door as open or closed as you want it to be.

I would be massively spooked by the events you describe. But I might also get over it, at least until next time.

 

[ihateusernames]

Welcome @Peach! It's impossible to get into his mind so here's something out of mine.

Also, you guys just met in person and spent time together, changing the dynamic of your relationship... that alone could have caused him to panic.

My best friend from high school met a guy online, had a relationship like yours, talked all the time for about a year, were crazy about each other. Then they met. Hung out for about 5 days. And a couple of weeks later her (now husband) flew back down to propose. She accepted. And I was completely freaked out. I thought she'd lost her mind. I envisioned all sort of horrible outcomes. I cannot fathom that level of relationship after only "meeting" somebody for a few days. But they knew what they were doing. They've been happily married 12 years. It's not for some of us. It's terrifying for some of us. And at this point in my life I can recognize that what she was doing was so scary to me because my own past experiences taught me that everything, everyone was scary, and that all relationships should all be approached with great caution.

I personally would pull back, too. Whether he wants to be friends permanently or bring back a romantic aspect, who knows. But you'll probably have to give him a whole lot more time to find out than you might with a different guy.

 

[blwnawy]

Hi Peach, and welcome,

I've been away from the forum for awhile so I hope I'm alright posting here in this part of the forum being a sufferer.:notworthy:
I came back today searching for something else and your discussion came up in the results and I felt I wanted to comment.

My PTSD is from a massive explosion at work, I've been married 20 yrs, 6 with PTSD. (My wife knew who I was and is trying to live with who I am now).

Are you familiar with the Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde movie? That is the easiest why to explain how my life is now.

I know who I was and what is socially acceptable, (Dr Jekyll) and that is who I try/act/pretend to be to save my marriage and not be locked up etc.
I can't work I hate any authority over me, I struggle with going outside and even the simplest of round the house jobs or commitment eg: appointments or even feeding the dogs, all this along with being a 'man' and not wanting to look like a sook (when the scared hits) it is very exhausting and unsustainable for long periods. I'm pretty good at covering though, many people have been in our house for coffee etc and would never know any of this other about me.
Mr Hyde inevitably breaks through though, ( before I realise it I just am) I be come an obnoxious impatient straight speaking arsehole, an embarrassment to be around eg: real estate agent "I've never met a man like it how do you live with it" or Custom Officers at a busy airport recognising and knowing us by name after only one previous visit :rolleyes: I could go on and on the lack of feeling, flashbacks etc etc...

My best in close quarters with people other than my wife is 8 days when family came to visit, some will not be back.

I find it easier to hold down Mr Hyde when things are new and interesting, so what I'm saying with a new and exiting relationship I know I could better the above.

You are the only one who'll know if he's honest and genuine relationship wise, and keep in mind each PTSD suffer is affected in different ways.

Take the commitment pressure off and let him relax, spend time with him without full commitment (for your own sake) until you really see his real Mr Hyde and see if you can live with it.

Please understand I'm not trouncing him he could be a really great person.

 

[Peach]

I want to thank you all for the warm welcome and your comments. Everyone has already helped me so much! What an invaluable tool this place and your experiences are going to be. If only I had come here sooner, perhaps some of my current worries could have been avoided or, at least, lessened. But alas...

Thanks to ya'll, I feel like I've been able to calm down, take a step back, and start looking at the situation in a rational manner instead just running on emotion. Also, I am happy to report that my guy wrote me this morning and that has done a world of good for my stress level. Just knowing he's still there, willing to talk to me, takes a load off my shoulders. Now, if it's another 5 days until I hear from him again, I may be back to crisis mode in a few days, but I'm going to do my best to remain chill.

I'm still doing some thinking and soul searching about all this, so I'll be posting a proper response soon after I have more time to get my thoughts in order. I just wanted to go ahead and say thank you. I really appreciate everything! :)

 

[Peach]

I can totally see now that he did become spooked by my questions. It would be a big deal for everyone, but I guess I never really considered it as ever being something to really cause such negative stress. While asking the important questions, I did tell him that if he wasn't comfortable with a relationship that it was okay, I would still be here, and a "no" from him wouldn't change our friendship. It was never an ultimatum. I did have an inkling that he would say no because he is so cautious, but as I said before, I also know that he is interested. When I ask someone if they'd like to go on a date, even if they said no, I think, "Well, at least they just got a nice confidence boost!" as I know I am 100% flattered when someone is interested enough and worked up the courage to ask me out. In this case, I thought the worst case scenario for him was being on the recieving end of the world's biggest compliment. I basically just told him that I love him inside and out - flaws and all - and want to spend my time, effort, and resources on/with him because he is worth it to me.

After reading your comments, I think my biggest problem is that I am still quite new to PTSD and may have even been a bit complacent about what he feels. The depth, anyway. He's told me before that very often he struggles with common chores like making a phone call to his doctor, getting out of the car, etc. Not only do I not witness those things because we are mainly on the computer, I'm not sure I would recognize them readily anyway because of his soldier on attitude and his preference to suffer in silence. My mother lives with me and she has periods of severe anxiety and depression, but she is very vocal about it, I always know exactly what is going on with her and how she is feeling. They are at different ends of the spectrum. So he's very subtle. The only time I did see something amiss when I was with him was in a busy store together. He was already hyperaware of everyone around him, but because it was crowded I switched my location a few times - I was walking on his right, we'd turn a corner and then I'd be on his left. It only happened a few times, and he made a somewhat exasperated joke about it. Once I realized it was bothering him I made an effort from then on to stick to one side. Live and learn, I guess. I can't make adjustments if I don't even know he in uncomfortable in the first place, so his ability to keep things under wraps adds to the difficulty of me understanding what's going on with him.

I am very much aware that I know very little about PTSD despite trying to learn and he and I have discussed that. He knows that I know that I will never fully understand, but I am trying. I know he's tried soooo hard too - as if my trip wasn't proof of that, he has made other HUGE strides with me since we met. Please, don't think at all that I think I am "fixing" him, I most definitely do not, but I can't help but notice the progress he's made and be proud of both of us.

Many of them can't fathom making it to the future. It seems to be pretty common for supporters to hear "if we're still together next month" or "if I'm still around in a year" etc.

He has never said anything along those lines to me, but I see now that he does have that mentality. There are many excuses for why he can't do certain things that I know he actually really wants to do; like going to see his army buddy bestfriend who lives a short plane ride away (with everything involved in that it may never happen, I know) and he loves dogs and I think it would probably do him a world of good to have that loyal, non-judgemental companion by his side. Everyone knows how beneficial pets can be. But he always has a reason why he can't have a dog - yard is too small, he's working on projects inside the home and it wouldn't have enough time and attention from him, what if there were unexpected vet bills, etc. It's a real shame, that. Even above my own relationship with him I would want him to get a dog, I really can't imagine anything better for him once he got over the initial nerves and settled into a routine. But I digress.

There is also his favorite line, "life sucks and then you die." I've said that many times before in a joking manner, but when he says it, it seems so sincere. How devastating to know someone you love really feels that way.

Good stress is still stress, and that cup loves to overflow.

That is a fantastic line, I will keep it close in mind.

I am doing my best to give him space while still making sure he knows I am available. I'm writing emails every few days in an attempt to not overwhelm him and though I have not yet approached the topic of skyping again, I do turn on my account at our usual "date" times so that if he decides he does want to talk again, I am there, wiilling and able.

I felt bad before when he was keyed up about something, but it is much, much worse knowing that you are the cause of someones anxiety. I feel compelled to apologize for putting him in this spot, especially now that I have a better understanding of what "went wrong." But honestly, I already have said I was sorry and I would just be beating a dead horse. Not only does he probably just want to move on and forget about it, I wouldn't want to keep bringing it up to the point where maybe he would then start to feel guilty for making me feel bad and the whole thing would start over again. So I'm going to let sleeping dogs lie.

Thanks again to everyone. Even though I only quoted Sweetpea, each of you have helped tremendously. :) :hug:

 

[Friday]

I read in the beginning... And thought... OMG. This is going to explode. Like in a big way.

But honestly? You're remarkably chill. That's a good thing. Nonchalance is probably one of the most effective tools out there, especially post blow-up. Keeping everything open, and relaxed, and normal... As a PTSD person, is exactly what would allow me to "come back" from a giant PTSD-Retreat. ((LOL. Love that phrase. So apt. So frustrating, and so apt.)) So while the in person visit would have been enough on its own to cause a nuclear meltdown afterwards, much less the XYZ (total life changing everything aieeeeeeee) after... At least it's all on the table. The seed has been planted. Granted, with a grenade and in a crater, but if you two can recover from this? And the way you're acting I see more hope for that then in 99% of the relationships that are on here... It's all out in the open already. One of those "I'd never recommend the way you went about it... But it just might work out."

If you haven't read these, yet? Do.

The Ptsd Cup Explanation

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/understanding-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd.86476/

Oh. And the #1 piece of advice I can give anyone? Be yourself. That way, if it doesn't work out, it's not because you were trying to manipulate a situation or be something you aren't. If it's going to work out, it will be because of who you are naturally. There are skills, for sure, in dealing with PTSD. But while I'm sure 'be yourself' probably sounds pretty stupid... I'm not quite sure how to phrase it. The best way I can is by example. I dated 2 really amazing guys. 1 was naturally perfect for me in meeting my needs. 1 worked his ass of to *try* to be. It exhausted him. Which in turn meant ***I*** exhausted him. :( He couldn't be himself / take care of himself because he was always wrapped up in trying to be different than who he was. Which equalled mad stress on both sides. That's not fair to either person. I almost never use the word "should", but I'll use it here: A person shouldn't have to change everything about themselves to be with someone else. That's simply not supportable in the long run, and it's tragic in the short.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@Peach nobody is born knowing how to be a PTSD supporter. There a big learning curve, and trust me, we all have screwed the pooch a time or two.

But honestly? You're remarkably chill. That's a good thing. Nonchalance is probably one of the most effective tools out there, especially post blow-up. Keeping everything open, and relaxed, and normal...

^^ So much this. Besides being good for him, staying calm will go a long way towards saving your own sanity.

I saw you were reading the books, and if you haven't read them already, I'd recommend The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Relationship: How to Support Your Partner and Keep Your Relationship Healthy by Diane England and Shock Waves: A Practical Guide to Living with a Loved One's PTSD by Cynthia Orange. These are a great combo, the first one is the best practical PTSD guide for supporters, and the second is a good source for self care.

 

[Peach]

I read in the beginning... And thought... OMG. This is going to explode. Like in a big way.

So glad to disappoint. :p

But honestly? You're remarkably chill. That's a good thing. Nonchalance is probably one of the most effective tools out there, especially post blow-up. Keeping everything open, and relaxed, and normal... As a PTSD person, is exactly what would allow me to "come back" from a giant PTSD-Retreat.

Thank you! That makes me feel really good and hopeful to hear that. Nonchalance is something I have in spades. Actually, I am usually very even tempered (except when something big like this rocks my boat, but even then I get over things quickly and move on once it's worked out) and one of the things my guy said to me when he was...I'll call it fussing at me (he has never yelled or verbally attacked me, hell, he doesn't even curse...that's only for when he's in a good mood :rolleyes:) was "...and honestly, you know I have PTSD and all this drama isn't helping." Uh, have you met me? I can assure you there was no drama from my side. Haha!

The seed has been planted. Granted, with a grenade and in a crater. "I'd never recommend the way you went about it... But it just might work out."

Oops. :whistling: LOL

Yes, my timing was truly atrocious. I was a little off before in my original story, so there were a few extra weeks in there. Got back home on March 16th and wrote him the letter on April 13th, but unfortunately, I just remembered another huge stressor for him. Just after my trip, on March 20th he was told that a woman he knew (the mother of one of his old army buddies) had passed, so he went to her wake that weekend.

Oi! It just keeps getting worse! It's no wonder he freaked out. But it sounds like maybe I was doomed from the start no matter how I had actually approached the topic - I should have waited several (relatively) stress free months before bringing it up. I just didn't realize. *sigh*

I just have to have faith that he didn't just lose all his trust in me. I don't think he has, otherwise, he would have disappeared off the face of the planet and I wouldn't have heard from him at all. Instead, he seems to have retreated into his shell like a turtle. He pokes his head out every few days to...to what? Make sure I'm still here? To see if I'm going to bring up the relationship topic again? To see if I'm mad or holding a grudge? I dunno. But I think in time (and hopefully not too much, cause I have a lot of stuff to tell him about) we can get back to where we were. With my stupid emails, funny pics, and mindless youtube videos he doesn't stand a chance! He will succomb to my charms again!!!:)

Actually, that right there is one of the things he fussed at me about - my optimism. I suppose maybe that goes back to what Sweetpea was saying before about not being able to envision a future. I can see how talking to someone who is perky, looking ahead, and only seeing good things on the horizon could get on someones nerves if they're already down in the dumps. And while I don't think he really meant what he said, I do know that it's not something I can or will change, it's an ingrained part of me. I know he usually likes that aspect of me, but here, with everything else, it was just too much. The straw that broke the camel's back.:(

The Cup Theory is simply and effective. I've started Anthony's PDF file. Thanks for pointing them out!

Sweetpea, I'll also give those books a try. The best I've read so far was Once A Warrior, Always A Warrior, but that was written more for the combat PTSD'er himself, so I'm sure your suggesstions will be much more helpful to me.