Have To Admit It's A Constant Thought

[silkleaves]

You know what...you are most definitely not alone. I have to admit, I could not read everything you wrote word for word, only because the parts that I did hit way, way too close to home. During my darkest moments, I have spent weeks at a time on my couch, under my blanket, doing literally nothing else but that...with nothing but these types of thoughts going through my head.

It consumed me...every inch of my soul. I wasn't working, obviously... rent not paid, got eviction notice, power shut off, kiddo going to the grocery store to see what sort of meals she could buy for $5 that didn't require refrigeration, trying to make me eat, even laying on the couch with me, my home a disgusting mess, to put it lightly. And I was completely and totally trapped with these thoughts going on non-stop in my head. Nothing and no one could convince me otherwise.

I didn't snap out of it, it was more like...I reached a point where I completely exhausted myself from thinking. I swear my brain just overloaded and gave up, because I had the worst headache for about a week solid, and then for the first time in weeks I slept...for about 3 days I could not wake up, save to use the bathroom then fall asleep again. And then once I woke up from that, I realized I needed to get help, which brought me to going to therapy.

I'm not going to say everything is great, but a heck of a lot better. A few days ago actually, kiddo told me that she is really proud of me because I havn't missed any work since Jan, and that it feels nice now that the house is cleaner. To the point that she even asked me if she can invite a friend over...my kid is 17...she's had friends over once in all these years. Once! And even then, after an hour I told them to call their parents to come pick them up. But still..that she is even comfortable enough, feels that I'm stable enough to expose her friends to our home, that means a lot to me.

Even though I have a long way to go...I've come a long way from those dark moments where thoughts like those consumed me. And I have the feeling that my major depressive disorder has quite a bit to do with just how low I would sink, along with the PTSD I was a goner. And I still have my moments...but something I can do now that I never thought possible back then, or even when I first started therapy and they got me started on grounding techniques is have some sort of control. Not a lot, but far more than I did before.

Anyway, just wanted to offer you some sort of hope, some sort of idea that there is a semblance of life ahead, and hopefully help you understand that someone does believe you...I totally believe you. I mean, I had to go way down low before I was able to realize that not only could someone help me, but that if I didn't seek it out and try to find the help, I was not going to make it out alive.

 

[Laura 2]

@Impossible

Well, if you're crazy then so am I because you're saying almost verbatim all the things that romp around in my head.

But actually, I'm not crazy, that much is certain (and I have the official bits of paper to prove it!). So you can't be crazy either.

When I say nobody believes me, I mean that people just assume I'm handling or that I'm capable even though I'm screaming I'm not, I'm not. That somehow I'll pull something out of my ass and make things be okay. That I'm not as crazy or bad-feeling as I know I am.

People do not believe what others tell them, they just don't. Especially if they have no experience of what you're telling them. Horribly sad but true. I am finally coming to terms with that but it's crap in itself to know that I'm existing in a world that's full of mainly callous people who just want me to go away, pull a rabbit out of my hat and stop bothering them.

The terror is too great, the threats are too real. My ability to deal with it is too destroyed. Those are just what's real. Those are facts and I don't feel like anybody believes me.

I believe you. I am there.

Everything is beyond my ability to deal,... I want it all to go away.I just feel very desperate.
It's not even about healing. There are concrete things I need that I don't have and can't get. Nobody can make that better. Without which life is too painful for me.

ditto. I am too embarrassed to write about how many things I cannot deal with IRL.

I can't deal with so much in my life. It's horribly painful and terrorizing for me. It would seem stupid to others but I'm just too tired. I don't want to have to deal with anything anymore. Let alone put "work" into trying to overcome stuff. I'm not interested anymore. I'm sickened by the concept of "being strong" anymore. Of courage. Of all those platitudes we're all supposed to be motivated by and then recondition ourselves to fit into the world better. I just want it all to stop. Just stop.

It's not stupid to me and others here. Being terrified all the time is completely exhausting. And platitudes are for fools who cannot see how empty they are and how they are only in the service of creating conformity so that people don't feel alien. Though I don't want such falsehoods to make me feel better or to be the basis of my world. I'd rather be alien and honest.

Once PTSD strikes, it seems to me you have to rebuild your own world only this time with clear sight of how it really it. And somehow create meaning out of it, and a rationale for sticking around.

And no one can ever reconcile the contradiction between the axiom that people have inherent value in and of themselves, and yet in reality one's value is still judged

Yeah, and this is yet another crazy contradiction, one of so many that have messed up our world. I get angry at those who mouth the 'you are so valuable' platitudes - I just walk away and write them out of my life.

I just get advice that's almost insultingly simplistic.

The world is stuffed with so many know-it-all fools.

I truly feel like nobody understands. I feel like an utter alien. Even outside of "normal feeling like an alien."

Yes, I know that feeling. I truly felt that too. Then I found here - and encounter people like you who understand precisely.

THANK YOU! :hug:
Stick around, you've got the right passport, you're not an alien here, really you're not. It may be that you've found somewhere that you could come to think of as a little bit of your new world...

 

[Laura 2]

You know what...you are most definitely not alone.....

:cry::hug:

 

[Impossible]

Stuff I just don't want to talk about. I don't have the "normal" ways to make things better. To get what I need to survive. If I did, it takes me completely out of my life anyway in ways I literally cannot bear..so that *I* am not surviving. I can't live like that any more. I can't even bear the thought. So horrible. There's been way too much gone wrong, and it's so wrong for me. I don't want to defend myself on that.

There just aren't options. I have to be somehow able to manage to do something completely unrealistic. Without even being able to do anything. Because I'm too lazy, or foggy, or stupid, or whatever. But I still have to. To figure out a way. I have to be superhuman and figure it all out and somehow make that happen - quickly. Or else it will be necessary to do things I am not able to bear. I can't even think about. If it were even possible. So it's like there's no light. It's all just a big catch-22 and I lose any which way.

 

[WillyKat]

These ideas that its impossible, can't be done, no options... they have a source: it was the programming done to you during the trauma. I don't know your story, but if it resulted from bad treatment from someone, then that someone wants you to believe that there's no hope, no way out, no options. That's *why* they do what they do.

Don't give them the satisfaction.

The rest of us here need you to help us fight the demons that did this to us. Please.

 

[reallydown]

So it's like there's no light. It's all just a big catch-22 and I lose any which way.

I can't even tell you how long I've felt this way...and there was a brief interruption of that, and now I'm back at the same pointless point. I have no answers and I certainly won't pretend that I do. Based on what you've written, it strikes me that it's not ptsd alone that's at work here, but of course, you don't have to share if you don't feel like it and I'm by no means an authority. For what it's worth though, you don't sound crazy to me.

 

[Laura 2]

@Impossible -

the "normal" ways to make things better.

I wonder what the "normal" ways are? Are they the ways that people have when they haven't been traumatised?

@WillyKat is spot on: when we're in the moments of being traumatised we're completely helpless, terrified, can't escape, all our skills at dealing with life are obliterated. The helplessness somehow gets burned into our brains and programs us to continue to be helpless and not to be able to escape. (I believe it's a physical thing that happens in the brain).

It does make us feel stupid. But we're clearly definitely not. I can see from your posts that you're not at all lacking in intellectual skill and IT/web literacy. You found this forum, so you're very capable in some ways.


You're not lazy either. Lethargy and lack of motivation come along with depression. You sound like you're very depressed on top of the PTSD. Have you seen a doctor or any other professional? Bearing in mind that many of us with PTSD go through several doctors before we find one who will listen and who is at least half-way knowledgeable! PTSD is so misunderstood that it seems to be an inescapable concomitant feature that you have to keep on fighting your corner, have to keep defending yourself - which adds, in my experience, to the trauma and depression.

Who do you spend time with, talk with IRL? How supportive are they? How understanding are they?

 

[Impossible]

The premise that I only think it's impossible or unlikely isn't correct. The things I say are facts, not constructs in my own head. It's not programming or conditioning. There's no "they" to not give satisfaction to.

The doctor/professional thing is a whole 'nother thing I just don't really want to get into explaining, defending or discussing. Short version is I have a counselor but there's only so much that anyone can realistically do. I don't have the resources (on many levels) or self-ability to chase, find or explain to one after another. It's not all PTSD. Some things are real issues. Of course ptsd and whatever else doesn't help. Phobias based on real-life things that happen, have happened, will happen, I'm not able to deal with in reality with their different facets.

I'm stupid because obviously I should be dealing with things or find the magic way to fix it all. I'm stupid because I "let" my life be so stupid and caught up in things that caused worse and worse trauma. I'm stupid because I'm not doing what I know I need to do. I'm stupid for not being realistic and "just accepting" I'm going to have to do things that are completely intolerable to me. These are big huge real-life survival-type issues. The "normal" ways are the things that are intolerable to me, but others do and just accept as the norm and assume that's the way life is. But I can't tolerate it anymore. It's not an option and yet it's going to have to be an option and for me it's not bearable.

I live with bf (bf being misnomer, after a certain age the "b" is just weird). Rather, he and his daughter live with me.

Sorry, there's just so much I know I'm being vague about but I just don't feel like explaining the whole thing.

 

[Laura 2]

@Impossible
It's hard to keep on explaining and describing, especially to an unsympathetic audience. Nowadays, I say that I'd be able to have a world cruise if I;d been given a tenner for each time I've had to regurgitate the whole damned history over the years.

But here's a very sympathetic, empathic and compassionate place. What surprised me is just how many people have been or are going through what I am and, most likely, what you are. I'm curious as to what these big, huge real-life survival issues are. Do you have to leave your home? What's the most intolerable thing that you must do?

You sound like you're beating yourself up every waking minute. You know that's not a good thing and you know you don't deserve it...otherwise you wouldn't be reaching out. It's useless to say again that FWIW you're not stupid - no random stranger off the internet is going to convince you otherwise, only you can. But it's also true to say that sometimes we get caught up in situations that we just cannot change and, anyway, so much of life is literally outside our control. It's a myth to think anything different.

You have a partner - how supportive is he? Is it difficult to live also with a 'step-child'?

Phobias - are not phobias if they are based on real-life, rationally perceived threats to or actual assaults on your safety, health, security etc. None of us are able to deal with such threats after they've already traumatised you once. (Phobia - just means fear, and in treatment terms, is usually applied to irrational fears leading to avoidance. ) Clearly you're communicating that your fears have been caused by actual events and circumstances. One of the results of that is PTSD which is also a real issue, a real disease. Sometimes it helps to understand the terminology and defuse its mistaken power, and to understand fully the ailment you're suffering from and its causes.

I understand what you mean about facts, immovable, evidenced facts and how very difficult it is to live with the results of those facts. What do you think is the 'normal' way to deal with such factual results? How DO other people deal with such facts and their impact?

 

[KwanYingirl]

Lots of perception in this thread. I would like to just remind you that a lot of life is simply practicing it until we reach mastery. I hear you saying that nothing works for you. Sometimes you just have to fake it til you make it. Maybe you can relate to my experience-I feel like I'm trying to climb out of a mayonnaise jar. I'm just about up and over, then a tigger will send me right back down into the jar again. Well I just have to push that jar and crawl out without slipping back in. We practice coping until we experience success. Right now it sounds like you are coping because you're here and communicating. You can name your emotions that's awesome!! If you're riding out a storm just stay with us we will keep you company. Not to pry and forgive me if my question is none of my business but are you taking an anti depression med? If yes does your provider know it may be the wrong dose or type for you?

 

[Impossible]

I'm not coping. I'm not able to cope with my reactions to doing the things I need to do which I'm afraid of.

I'm sorry, I just can't explain everything. It's all way too complicated and multi-faceted and involved, and even when I try, I can't portray the depth of feeling so it invites surface answers or things that I already know don't work for me.

I don't take anti-depressants and I won't. Another thing I don't want to have to get into, defend or explain. It's just not right for me.

I sound like a jerkhole.

My bf is as supportive as is possible, kind-of, could do better but even then there is no way he could do what is needed. Nobody can but me. What I need desperately is nothing that anybody else can just magically do for me. I do have to figure it out and find a solution on my own soon or else - best case scenario, that's if I'm lucky, I'll end up in a scenario I can't even bear to think about and which I know, from much past experience, is not tolerable to me. That's what is the "normal" answer but I cannot, cannot, cannot do it and if I have to then it's like death to me. I can't explain.

I'm sorry. I can't explain anything. It's just way too much. It upsets me even to try because I can't do it right or in a way that people can understand, it's outside of most people's or nearly everyone's experience and I have trouble even being believed that it's truly the issue that it is - on top of everything else. I just - everything around me is something I can't do, and there's an overarching threat that is closing in soon and I don't really want to talk about it because of the pat answers and it tends to get minimized or discounted or... the importance...to me... and the significance of the threat...the repetitive nature of all I've experienced...the whole shebang... it's not portrayable and it's too hard to explain.

 

[Laura 2]

@Impossible - are you ashamed of the overarching threat that's about to land on you?