Have You Ever?

[Madhather]

Have you ever sat in a room full of people and felt completely alone?

Had something to say but didn't because no one could hear you?

Do you ever feel invisible or wish you where invisible?

Have you ever opened your mouth to scream and heard only silence?

Or cry so many tears that you become tearless and numb?

Have you ever looked and a mirror and seen only despair?

Picked up a razor blade and waited for sweet release?

I have.

Today I am depressed, it's been building for weeks and today it has control.

I hate this, I loath it. It hides away who I really am and unleashes some sad weak creator to run a muck, it's sickening.

Life is such a tedious game, you live, you die but for what purpose?

If you don't make it into a history book in time you are forgotten.

It's a cruel joke.

So why do we bother?


Fear not depression fighters!

I will battle my way back to the surface, paste on a smile and go once more among the masses and they will be none the wiser. Because I will pretend that everything is fine and wait for the darkness to lift once more.

But not today, today I am sad.

What does your depression feel like?

 

[WendyA]

<3 I could have written this post myself today!!!! That doesn't offer any help to you, but I identify completely. It really is as if I dictated the words to you and you wrote them here. I have no advice obviously, but I do the same thing with pretending. Except that with my life recently that pretending is extremely exhausting and usually provokes more violent breakdowns. I am very sad too today, for whatever its worth it is comforting to know that I am not alone down here. (not that i for a second wish you to be down here too, but since we are...)

 

[Madhather]

@WendyA offering a safe hug if wanted. We will wait this out together. :tup:

 

[WillyKat]

I could answer yes to all of those I think. Early, this morning I went for a long walk in the cold. I felt really good. About halfway, the sun came up and it felt like my best friend, Mother Earth, was saying good morning to me.

An hour later, I had a negative thought that spiralled out of control and threw me into a rage...all by myself, in the shower. Things are ok now, again.

Some days are like mine, some just start bad and don't improve.

@Madhatter is right. Ride this out together. Some day I'll be there to ride out another day with you and I'll need you there for me.

 

[Madhather]

@WillyKat just give a shout and I'll be there.;) (thank you for your reply!)

 

[The Hermit King]

What does your depression feel like?

Like a thousand pound demon sitting on my back, reaching into my head and stirring up my emotions with foot long claws.

Right now I am comfortably numb though.

Hope the light shines on you again soon. I know the darkness can be suffocating at times.

 

[Madhather]

@Over9000 I know that demon well, thank you for the reply. Let's hope we both are standing in the light real soon.

 

[Bluerose]

Q - Have you ever sat in a room full of people and felt completely alone?

A - Yes.

Q - Had something to say but didn't because no one could hear you?

A - Had nothing to say because no one would understand.

Q - Do you ever feel invisible or wish you where invisible?

A - We used to play a game; if you had a super power what would it be? Invisibility used to be my first choice. Now it's teleportation as in....... Get me out of here!

Q - Have you ever opened your mouth to scream and heard only silence?

A - In a dream, yes. I stood on a railway bridge once and screamed at the top of my lungs and experienced a weight being lifted - for a while at least.

Q - Or cry so many tears that you become tearless and numb?

A - Oh that one is too easy. The only crying I do now is like the song title...... I do my crying in the rain. I love walking in the rain and sometimes the tears just flow. I usually feel better for it.

Q - Have you ever looked and a mirror and seen only despair?

A - I used to hate looking in the mirror. I was quite pretty; long red hair and freckles. But it wasn't my face I saw, it was all the pain and the sadness and I thought I was dying.

Q - Picked up a razor blade and waited for sweet release?

A - Done it a few times but knocked it on the head pretty quick because it scared me how easy it was.

Q - Life is such a tedious game, you live, you die but for what purpose?

A - We are not born with a purpose. We must create a purpose for our lives. Invent one if necessary. It's all about the survival of the soul.

Q - So why do we bother?

A - Because to give in would draw towards us everything in this world that is negative. We create the world around us from our thoughts, words and actions. And I couldn't live in that world. So I practise positive thinking and meditation and think only nice thoughts whenever possible.

Q - What does your depression feel like?

A - Depression for me when it presents comes with an overwhelming sadness that I keep from my family and it can make me feel so alone. I too put on a mask and just get on with it for their sake.

 

[TroyW]

I have felt this way many Times I know how it feels being alone in a crowded room sucks not being able to express yourself because peoples judgments sucks everyone labels me as crazy. I am 23 sober still no meds flashbacks happening every day now ... I am losing my mind...

 

[Notsowild]

@bluenose

red hair and freckles

This is me but I always feel out of place cause I look so much different than everyone else:( I've always wanted to feel invisible too!!!

 

[Notsowild]

Good thread @Madhather

 

[quic]

Yes to all of this. Great post, thanks.

Life is such a tedious game, you live, you die but for what purpose?

You are right, we all die eventually. The happiest people are those who understand everything we do and everything we are, is only temporary. Figuring out the purpose is what life is about, and still it is temporary. It seems the less you try to figure it out the easier life becomes. Even pain can have purpose in life.

To me depression feels like a dark wilderness. I felt lost, alone and hopeless. I knew I had to walk out it on my own and there was no way anyone could walk me out of the darkness. Even though it was dark and lonely, I knew on some level it was MINE, my creation and under my control.