Having A Relationship With The People Who Caused Your Ptsd..

[FindingMyself88]

Thank you everyone for your support and advice… I did take it into consideration. This morning before me and my dad were to meet I had a check up appointment with my doctor. She is not your normal doctor, she is the best there is in my opinion. She is the one who first suspected I had PTSD and has been very supportive. This morning she asked me how things were going and I told her about the upcoming visit. She immediately said she didn't think I needed to spend the entire day today with my dad considering where I am emotionally right now. She is concerned that my nightmares and panic attacks are causing other health problems and that I am eventually going to break down. She was so concerned by my distress, that she told me that if I wanted, she could schedule me to come in later today to see her, so that I had an excuse to not spend the whole day with him. So we did so and I am glad we did.

My dad is trying and he is not the same abusive person he use to be. But he also either thinks we had more good memories than I remember, or I just was soooooo fearful during my childhood that I don't remember them. Plus just being around him triggers that fear, even though rationally I know I am okay. Anyways, we only spent 2 hours together and then I left. He wanted me to spend time with him after the dr appointment but I said I couldn't. It did trigger me some, but not near as much as if I would have spent the whole day. When I went to see my doctor for the second time, we discussed my blood work from earlier and she told me she was proud of me for coming back. She also wants me to talk to my psychiatrist about changing from lorezopam to Klonopin for anxiety and about the possibility of doing EMDR therapy…

Overall I am glad this day is over with and behind me. He did ask me to come spend a night with him and his wife over christmas break and I said maybe before stopping myself -slaps face-. But that is a month away and hopefully I can talk with my therapist about this and decide what I need to do. As a treat to myself (recommended by doctor) i went and bought myself a book I've been wanting. Then my best friend surprised me and came into town for my birthday and took me out to eat.

Thank y'all again for the support.

 

[radicalgratitude]

FindingMyself, I am glad you got through it and it sounds like you have an awesome doctor!

Now, I need to write something but I do this with the full understanding that everyone and every family is different. However I am feeling very gun-shy about this given my personal issues with my dad.

In my first entry of my trauma diary, I wrote about what it was like living with my dad for six months when I was in high school: [DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/threads/from-grieving-to-gratitude.37329/"]From Grieving to Gratitude[/DLMURL]. It was a living hell. However if you would have asked him about those months, he would say they were some of the best of his life. That's because he's a psychopath. I hope your dad isn't a psychopath.

 

[jesse]

You are pretty amazing and I admire you!

 

[FindingMyself88]

I know that something is wrong with my dad, just not sure what. This is why I want to come up with a reason not to spend christmas with him. Seeing him at the family christmas will be enough. I spent the night with him about a year ago. It went okay, it was just awkward for me…

And Thanks Jesse, but I am no one to be admired...

 

[Britt.f7]

Perhaps he has changed. However, so have you. That alone alters your relationship. When I was going through intense therapy for the sexual abuse/ptsd, I did cut off most of my interactions with my mom. I had to. I also developed an ability to say no and not let her do the things she did prior that upset me. We did develop a better relationship over the years. It became a little backwards before she died. She started acting like she did when I was a child, but I contribute that to her being sick. Which we weren't quite aware of at the time. It was just strange. I miss the relationship we developed after my kids were born. I miss her. Something I never, ever thought I'd say when I was going through treatment.

 

[jesse]

I admire you because you listen to advice when asked and followed through.

 

[TeaLeaf]

Your situation growing up sounds similar to mine, my mom has a personality disorder and was the active abuser while my dad was the passive abuser. Dad has since died and I did have some contact with him prior to that, he did apologize some and that had an impact on my interest in seeing him.

I don't have any contact with my mom and it's not so much because of the horrible things she did but because she doesn't understand the impact and has no empathy for me. .My mom has never given me a real apology, (one where she takes responsibility for her abuse instead of blaming me) and she also has no empathy for the pain I have suffered at her hands and also from others hands where she did not intervene. I can't allow such a toxic person into my life because when I did, it was literally killing me with negative coping and dissociation. On the rare occasions where I see her at family events, I have to mentally prepare for it and even then it hurts me a lot. Last time I saw her, it reignited strong suicidal thoughts, dissociation and self hate. I know when I see her next time, I am going to have to do more to prepare and cope.

As other posters have indicated, you don't have to have your dad in your life. I suppose it depends on how you feel before, during and after he visits. And how much of an apology/empathy/etc you need and how much he is capable of giving and from your post is isn't clear that he has apologized or asked for your forgiveness. The fact that he says you two have more good memories than bad or that you were just so fearful that you don't remember the good memories suggests to me that he is campaigning to get you to believe that things were different as a child than the reality of how horrible they were.

I have to echo what some of the other posters said about your own personal safety, your dad sexually abused you and I personally would be very, very cautious about letting him back into your life unless he had extensive therapy and has done lots of work on himself. He seems to be really pushing for more time with you, overnight visits etc without any real understanding of possible impact on you. It's clear that he had very poor boundaries in the past given that he abused you in so many ways, people that have abused children like that don't just change overnight. Please be careful.