General Having Friends Has Been Hard For Me

[IvyMillie]

I've noticed lately that I just don't have the emotional energy to have any new friends. I feel like I don't have the strength to have new friends or even to keep some of my older friends.

Hence, I just find it easier to not really have that many friends. It's like I'm living under a certain amount of stress and I can't handle anything else. He doesn't do well when I give my attention to somebody else, he's used to my undivided attention. I just don't want to handle the conflict.

I guess it's hard because I don't have the desire to reach out to people anymore. Does anyone else have that problem?

It's not all the PTSD that my husband has, it's other things as well. It makes me feel bad, not to be an open person anymore.

 

[Toria]

Oh yes - I know exactly what you mean. Like you say, I have the energy to do X during the day but if I try to add Y to the equation then it's just too much. I'm tired and whilst I know that friends are a good thing, in a way I just can't be bothered! I know that sounds awful and I don't mean it to - but it's just too much effort to be sparkley and witty and nice.

All that said, I think it's a slippery slope because without outside influences what happens at home becomes all you have to focus on - which can't be good...

 

[Tabitha]

Yes! I completely know how that feels.

I feel terrible that I've sort of abandoned all my old friends, not purposely, I just feel like I don't have the energy to even call and chit chat with them most days. I know that must be unhealthy, I just can't find the "umph" to make me want to pick up the phone and call or go ride by and visit.

I also don't like the "How's it going?" question, especially from our mutual friends! I feel like a big fat liar when I put on my Susie Sunshine smile and say, "Oh, things are wonderful!" When really sometimes I just want to scream and cry about how much as been going on with us.

 

[amethist]

I think it is hard for all supporters, many fall by the wayside, even after they say they will be there when you need them.

One of my friends who I had know for over 30 years, vanished off the face of the earth around 3 years ago. Yet one who I have known only 8 or nine years, is a wonderful lady. always there for a chat, we have a winge and a moan for about 10 minutes, putting the world to rights, then spend the rest of the time nattering on about all sorts of stuff.

Now that is a good friend, and she only knows about PTSD because of hubby.

 

[maddog]

It's just struck me how sad it is that so many of the symptoms and side-effects of PTSD, particularly as they impact on social interactions and interpersonal relationships, transfer to our supporters as well. So much of what is written in this supporters section resonates with me as a sufferer, makes me realise how contageous are the effects of this PTSD beast. It deepens even further my respect for those who choose to sign up for the journey.

Somehow it's just sad.

Maddog

 

[IvyMillie]

Thanks for all the supportive feelings. I know for me, I do need friends, but I guess the ones I do have don't require a lot of effort. I would say that I don't have any super close friends. That is probably my way of handling it because I don't feel the need to be "real" with them. I can remain a bit superficial.

It is also hard when friends are mutual and I don't want anyone to think bad of my husband. I think most people wouldn't understand about PTSD. Or rather I know that from my experience. I'm also a private type of person so unless they are super awesome I'm not inclined to tell them things.

That was nice of you maddog to be so understanding. At least in my situation, I have a very trying illness and my husband has to put up with that. So in my case I don't feel like I have to give that much, because he has to put up with my probs also. As I've said before I joke with my husband that he has his mental illness and I have my physical illness. :)

Thanks for all your nice comments.

 

[Tabitha]

I have told a few of my friends that N has PTSD and I did not appreciate any of the reactions.

"What happened to her?!"​

"She never went to WAR!"​

"But all of that stuff happened to her years ago, it shouldn't STILL bother her."​

"Well, maybe if she would pray more..."​

Now I just say, "She's going through a lot right now." That's why I love having this forum. It's amazing to have so many people that really understand and are so caring and helpful.​

 

[wife of]

Can't be bothered continuously trying to educate the ones who "don't get it" and deal with thier negativity and sometimes feel as though I over burden the ones that do get it so I avoid them a little as I dont want to drive them away,but in doing so push them away as they just think I've gone cold on them........Now why does that sound familiar....Hmm think I just analised myself....off to crawl out of my isolation and call a buddy before they run for the hills.

 

[Eleanor]

"What happened to her?!"

"She never went to WAR!"​

"But all of that stuff happened to her years ago, it shouldn't STILL bother her."​

"Well, maybe if she would pray more..."​

Here are my "smart" responses that I can never think of at the time:
"Don't ask questions you don't really want to know the answer to."
"Sometimes the war finds you."
"Kind of like the holocaust?"
"Then I guess we'd all be become better people... Or did you mean to say we should pray more for her?"

Grrrr....

 

[ISupportHer]

I think that others, in addition to not getting it, sometimes don't know what to say. So they say inappropriate things or even nothing at all. I think of it as very much like a woman having a miscarriage and being told that "you can have another one". Just out of their frame of reference.

That's what is great about here. It doesn't sound like we are whining all the time when other's here "get it".

Except when I AM, in fact whining, of course. :)

 

[Mrs. T]

The knowledge of ptsd is new to me and my husband ( though he has had it for years). not long ago, I was ignorant to it, but as I am learning more, I am surprised, when talking to people, how many people don't know much about it, yet pretend they do.

Very few people know about my husbands diagnosis. I believe many people are still praying that the doctors will find the cause of all his physical pain, and that one day he will be pain free. Still very valuable prayers, but we haven't told them that we have gotten some answers, I don't know if we will. Who do you tell?

I have distanced myself from many people, but for different reasons, my husband has been largely misunderstood and judged by many of my friends. I'm tired of it, and I have been surprised by some of the conclusions made by my friends about my husband. Friends who I saw to be close friends. I put too much energy into trying to get ppl to understand, only to find that they aren't really listening.

I grew up learning to trust people and often too much too quickly, that has proven to be hurtful. I think I have it in my head that in order to become good friends with someone I have to trust them, so I often say too much,especially if the conversation is pleasant and feels safe. Guess distancing myself ensures that I dont say too much.

Ah, that may have been a little too long.

 

[Eleanor]

@ Mrs.T Not too long! I'm finding it is a weird kind of dynamic. My best friends and daughter know - and I talk to them about him/us/his episodes. They (and folks here) keep me honest about the hurt his episodes cause, and on my toes about what I can/should do. But I am reluctant to let many people know....