Having Trouble Setting Boundaries With New Therapist

[Sarah2732]

Hoping to get some advice on how to communicate when you're too messed up to communicate... :eek:

I've had a lot of therapy, with a female therapist, related to past abuse, but am transitioning to a male therapist to work more directly on a significant fear of men. The male therapist I am seeing is very kind, but I'm finding that I just *can't* tell him to stop or back off when a topic is broached that I don't want to talk about. I just go along, answer his questions, and then get frustrated with myself later for not saying "I'm not okay talking about this yet". He's even told me multiple times in every session (just 2 so far) to let him know if I don't want to talk about something but I just can't (honestly, I don't even think about saying "stop", I just answer briefly while wishing/thinking about being someplace else)

I know what it's about- I have trouble having a voice around men - But I want to NOT be like that, so now I'm really frustrated, and I'm like "If I could DO this, I wouldn't NEED this therapy in the first place!" Urgh. Anyway. I guess I am just looking for support or ideas to communicate with him about this issue better?

 

[arfie]

Getting past it with him could be an important breakthrough for you. I hope you keep working at it until you find your way to do so.

How about if you write about the moments you wanted to during your last session and carried them to the next session with you? Just as a place to start...

Mostly, I wanted to offer the support. Sure strikes me as key stuff to work on.

 

[Seasounds]

Your instinct (to wanting a more attuned relationship) is great! I would rehearse setting a boundary with him, with a friend, before therapy. Then, first thing in therapy, speaking in "I" statements, I would let him know exactly what you said. "I am uncomfortable with some of the questions. I need to move slower and I want to initiate discussion topics, in my own time."

Notice I left direct 'you' and direct confrontation statements out, so as to not trigger him.

If he can't accommodate your needs, and trying to push his speed or agenda, you may want to find another male therapist. On my third attempt, I found a male therapist who didn't need to drive my therapy.

 

[digger]

Write it down for him the way you have written it down here and ask him to read it. That will get it out there and then hopefully between you, you will be able to come up with some strategies to deal with it.

 

[Justmehere]

This sometimes is tough for me to do in the moment too.

Maybe you could write a list of topics you are not ready to discuss and give it to him as a way to start saying no? Then change that over time?

Or with my therapist, we did an exercise early on where she asked me to do things and I was supposed to tell her no on purpose. She asked me to do things like "move that pillow" and "stand on your head" and I said no... and it was done just to get more comfortable with telling her no. Maybe you could suggest your therapist bring up some "easy" things to practice saying no to.

Tough thing to do though.

 

[mytai]

@Sarah2732, just a thought, but would you find it easier if you and your therapist came up with a signal that you need to stop or not talk about that right then? A hand signal or something that communicates that it is too much for you? I don't know if it would help you at all, but it might be easier to start out with a gesture and then eventually work to using your voice to say no.

Even being with a female T I have had a lot of trouble saying no. I usually end up dissociating instead of answering or saying no. I hope you are able to find a solution. It's very brave of you to face your fear head on and talk to a male therapist, give yourself some credit.

 

[NovemberStar]

Can you email him and post this thread into it?

I often email my T in-between sessions with stuff I know is important and that I want / need to talk about, but haven't felt brave enough to bring up in our sessions 'face to face'.

Edited to add: I also put in the email if I'm "not ready to talk about this yet, but file it for later".

I also like the idea of a signal, or a code word - discuss with him (via email if need be) prior to the session, and if you feel you cannot say 'no' about talking about it yet, say the word or give the signal.

 

[Sarah2732]

Thanks for your advice. All good ideas! I ended up texting him, cause that was easiest and least scary. :) I just said something to the effect of: "I need help setting boundaries with you, I was uncomfortable with some of the topics in my last session but wasn't able to vocalize that. Just wanted to tell you in advance I'd like to try and talk about that".

So I saw him today and he kept telling me it was okay to direct the session and/or refuse to answer questions, but it was kind of a dead end discussion because I couldn't tell him that I'm SCARED to tell him "no" because he's a man and in my past trying to refuse what a man wanted was really, really not safe...

At any rate, I paid a boatload of money to spend the remaining 40 minutes talking about pets and local restaurants and coffee preferences. :joyful: Whatever, I was at least present and less anxious so it felt like movement in the right direction.