He Has Ptsd And Cheated And I Don't Know What To Do

[Futuremrs]

He cheated on me for about the first year of our relationship when he was overseas. I know people cheat because something is missing and obviously sex was because we were apart not that I'm justifying it. He's really trying and he really loves me, I know that. I can't help but still feel completely taken for granted. I feel sad and depressed and hurt and he always gets mad when I try to talk to him then he comes back and says he's sorry and I'm right. But it's exhausting and he's always making me feel like the bad guy and saying hurtful things. He always flies off the handle and throws tantrums and I used to be able to deal with it better, but now I have no patience and I feel like I'm falling out of love with him. I still love him, but it isn't the same.

Its been about a year now and I guess I want to know if it gets better. He forbade me from telling anyone or talking to a counselor and I feel like I'm losing my mind. He finally agreed to go to a counselor because I said I was leaving if he won't but I don't know if this last year has done irreparable damage to our relationship. It also doesn't help that now I find myself looking and missing other men. I never felt like that before. I just don't know if I will ever be able to want to be faithful to him. I am faithful, but I find I have a wandering eye now and that isn't me. He also depends on me to remind him about almost everything and I feel like I'm his mother which I'm sure doesn't help the situation.

Has anyone gotten over this? Or am I wasting my time? My ex desperately wants me back and I can't help but think I might have made a mistake. I don't know what to do. I love my fiancé, but I've never had fights like I've had with him and they are mostly one sided where he yells at me because he doesn't like what I have to say. I just don't know if it's possible to get over the feelings I have when he is the way he is. He wants sex everyday and I literally never want to do it anymore. Its like a chore.

My best friends the only 3 I told are no longer supportive of our relationship. My family doesn't really approve and his family even gets mad at him for how he treats me and they don't even know about the cheating part. Sorry this was a long rant I just am very lost.

 

[Friday]

I know people cheat because something is missing

Nope. People cheat because there is something wrong with them. Them, alone. Because otherwise they would either keep their word to their partner, or be honest and either have an open relationship (so they're not cheating), or let the other person go. That simple. Anything else is blame shifting.

Spoiler: Extra

No no no... You don't understand! I was at sea level! No one can control themselves at sea level!!! (Actual "reason" justifying an affair I've heard. Well. Clearly the barometric pressure for fidelity was missing :rolleyes:) For real, though, people like to blame shift instead of owning "I f*cked up. I'm sorry. I will never do that again." Blame shifting? All that does is mean that you can never trust them when _______ is happening. Whether that's drinking, on deployment, or headed to the beach (sea level). People like to blame sex being missing as a reason to seek sex elsewhere. Um. And yet how many men & women are True Blue while their spouses are at war, undergoing cancer treatment, etc.? Most, honestly. Because it isn't the lack of sex that causes cheating. That's just blame shifting, and it's emotional blackmail: put out or I'll find some elsewhere. Um. Nope.

Just a note on deployments... People tend to make a lot of long term bad decisions when they're planning on being dead tomorrow. Money spends like water (why not?), etc. That doesn't mean that they're good decisions, just because they might be understandable. They're still bad decisions... If you live through it. Bad decisions? Have consequences. One of the many gifts of the survivor; Facing the consequences of our actions. Blame shifting is attempting to duck that responsibility. No, no, no... It's not MY fault. Yeah, man. It is. Own it.

Has anyone gotten over this?

The average timeline to recover from infidelity is 2-5 years. Whether reconciling or divorcing.

 

[scout86]

He forbade me from telling anyone or talking to a counselor

That was the one line that really got my attention. Are you familiar with the phrase "You're not the boss of me!"? Because I can't think of ANY situation where one person has a legitimate right to FORBID someone from talking to someone else. Oh, if you work for the CIA, maybe they can legitimately forbid you to discuss classified info, but in a relationship???? I think not.

 

[Neverthesame]

I feel sad and depressed and hurt

I am pretty sure this is a normal reaction to being cheated on. Sorry to point out the obvious. I also want to add, ptsd doesn't cause infidelity, nor does it make it ok.

he's always making me feel like the bad guy and saying hurtful things. He always flies off the handle and throws tantrums

I can relate to this. I suffer anger issues as well. That being said. My PTSD is not an excuse to treat the people around me like garbage. I have had to do anger management, it has really helped.

While the feelings caused by ptsd are out of our control, how we choose to express them, while difficult. Is in our control. Ptsd is not an excuse to be an asshole.

He forbade me from telling anyone or talking to a counselor and I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Not up to him. Within a shared social circle I could understand, but if you choose to get counselling. That's none of his business. Counselling services are confidential. Too bad for him. He can get over it.

He finally agreed to go to a counselor because I said I was leaving if he won't

Good. Well done.

He also depends on me to remind him about almost everything and I feel like I'm his mother which I'm sure doesn't help the situation

Probably not, but this is a thing that happens with PTSD. It probably annoys him as much as you. Whether or not you are willing to put up with it, is a personal choice on your part. Not right or wrong either way.

Personally, I draw the line at infidelity. What you should do is up to you.

 

[Justmehere]

:hug: @Futuremrs - this sounds like a terribly painful relationship and situation. I see many, many red flags in this relationship and his behavior.

Its been about a year now and I guess I want to know if it gets better. He forbade me from telling anyone or talking to a counselor and I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Before going any further, I want to make sure I understand this correctly. He is forbidding you from talking to a therapist for support for you?

Does he also forbid you from talking to others about relationship like friends and family or seek to isolate or control you in other ways?

In the nutshell, your feelings are normal and natural feelings for someone in a relationship like this. Your feelings are not the problem. They are a big warning sign. They are horrible feelings to have, but it's healthy that you feel bad in a very bad relationship. Your feelings are not likely to change for the better because they are a natural reaction to someone behaving the way he is.

And no, he is not acting in a manner that suggests there is good reason to hope this will get better anytime soon, if at all. In fact, there are a lot of signs that there is a high probability this will get worse.

It is my guess, and I may be very wrong, that others have told you to run from this relationship.

What is holding you back from walking away?

You don't have to answer any of these questions at all, unless you want to. Please don't answer unless you do.

You have the choice to say no, to him to me, to anyone. You do. It seems hard for you to even say no when you don't want to have sex every day.

It is a good idea for you to go see a counselor, not because something is wrong with you, but because this is a hard kind of relationship to get out of when people are in it, and because you are suffering and need support. Everyone needs support at times. Please keep reaching out, no matter what he says. You don't have to tell him. You get to do it for you. Your needs matter and are very important and healthy needs to have.

 

[Futuremrs]

That was the one line that really got my attention. Are you familiar with the phrase "You're not the bos...

Yeah I agree. I did it anyway and he got mad. I still do feel weird talking about it with my friends cause most of them don't agree.

I'm really torn. He gave up his job and is starting over because I told him I couldn't stay with him if he went back overseas for my own sanity. Now I just don't know if I'll ever get over it or if I even want to. I want to have that feeling I used to get with him and I don't even know if I'll ever get that..,I know I now have serious trust issues that I have to work through.

 

[Futuremrs]

:hug: @Futuremrs - this sounds like a terribly painful relationship and situation....

He does try to control me and he is selfish but I don't usually listen. He didn't forbid me from going to a counselor he just didn't want to go. Forbade was the wrong word he got really mad and didn't want me to tell his family or my family and friends.

Well when people found out he was a marine they told me to run. No one that knows him has said run..only the people who know he cheated have said they wouldn't be as understanding. People have expressed some concerns with his tantrums and how he storms off when he gets mad.

No I've always been in good relationships. He had a physically abusive ex who put him in the hospital and she didn't have a scratch.

I guess I don't really know. I love him and want to help him. I know there's a great man in there somewhere who is just lost. Hes really trying and he does love and adore me and tells me all the time.

 

[Justmehere]

It makes sense that you would struggle to trust him.

It usually takes a lot of work and commitment on both sides to repair trust that's been broken like that, if it can be repaired at all.

It's not a hopeful sign that he has to be ultimatum-ed into going into therapy for his behavior. (I agree that was a very good boundary for you to have.)

Cheating is not a symptom of PTSD. It's a symptom of being a cheater.

A year of lying and misleading you would naturally create a lot of problems with trust.

It's especially hard to trust when someone continues in other behaviors that are attempts to keep secrets, hide from the truth, and manipulate and control.

 

[Futuremrs]

I am pretty sure this is a normal reaction to being cheated on. Sorry to point out the obvious. I a...

Thanks for the insight I really appreciate it.

He did say he would go to anger management or some type of therapy now.

 

[Futuremrs]

It makes sense that you would struggle to trust him.

It usually takes a lot of work and commitment o...

Well I guess I have to at least try. If my feelings don't change I know I deserve to be happy and not worry if I'm going to get cheated on. I feel like it's going to take me time to completely trust again like I did before. We used to be great together until I found out he cheated. Things just changed. We never used to fight or anything but I think that's because I was extremely tolerant and would do anything for him and now I've become a little more selfish. I need to worry about myself because I don't think he will and I can't be giving of myself without getting

 

[void]

He cheated on me for about the first year of our relationship when he was overseas. I know people chea...

"He's really trying and he really loves me, I know that."

This is what you want to believe, but is this how true love would treat you?


"Its been about a year now and I guess I want to know if it gets better. He forbade me from telling anyone or talking to a counselor..."

It will never get better because you will always know the truth.
The truth is he thought he could get away with making love to another woman and that as long as he didn't get caught...you'd never know and he was fine with that.
He wanted to cheat.
He planned on you never knowing.
He thought he could look you in the eye like nothing changed.
If he only wanted you he would never have cheated.
He wanted that other woman more than he wanted you...or he would never had chosen to have sex with her.
There are men that would never cheat because they only want their wife...he did not feel this way.
You deserve much better treatment:)

He forbade!:wideeyed::mad:

He ordered you to support his lies and protect his reputation which he himself compromised.
This demand of his also serves to isolate you from help and support which is controlling, unfair and certainly not loving.
You need to and deserve to call upon your support system during this time of terrible pain but he would deny you that to keep himself from being criticized.

Everything about your situation saddens me.:(
He has hurt you so badly.:(
I wish it were not so.:(

I hope you can heal and receive support.
Take care.:hug:

 

[Neverthesame]

Irregardless of what happens with your relationship with the guy. Anger management is a good idea for him.

When I first started anger management, I honestly thought it was stupid. I had been made to go after an argument at work with one of the truckers I work with.

Being told in no uncertain terms. "You will fix this, or we fire your ass." Was a pretty good motivator.

After a couple of months, I began to notice something. When something would happen that would normally send me into a tantrum of swearing, yelling, throwing things around. All the people I work around, would vanish. I never noticed before, as I too busy throwing a fit.

They were all afraid of me.

I always tried to avoid aiming the rage at people, especially if it the tantrum was caused by my own clumsiness, or accidental. Didn't matter though, they were still afraid. That was a horrible realisation.

Lots of hard work later, I still get cranky sometimes but I no longer scare the shit out of the people around me. I think it was worth it.