He has stopped sharing. intimacy gone.

[Balu]

In the beginning of our relationship my sufferer opened up completely. I was the first person he had told about his childhood experiences and his opening up created a deep and fruitful bond - really knowing and seeing someone, that kind of stuff.

Over the course of our relationship, however, with escalating fights, his PTSD just reeling out of control, he slowly stopped sharing as much. He does not talk about his triggers or trauma anymore, barely even admits when he's having an "off" day.

I understand that, if it is better and more healing for him, not discussing what is going on with him is obviously good and to be respected. However, it's starting to cause our level of intimacy to dip. I frequently can only guess what is going on with him, which makes it hard to gauge a situation correctly, which, in turn, is likely to trigger him.

I'm afraid he has lost trust in me, due to me having to set boundaries (in the way he talks to me, etc.) that have resulted in epic fights and him feeling misunderstood, as well as many missteps on my part wherein I was somehow incapable of giving him space due to how viciously he went off on me.

I couldn't help but set those boundaries and I can't change the fact that I failed to give him space when he needed it. I'm so scared we are ruined now, just living side-by-side with no real intimacy left.

I'm not sure where I'm going here. I think it's about trust building, intimacy, and how much a supporter should/has to know to be able to have a full and good partnership. Thoughts?

 

[Tuna]

In the beginning of our relationship my sufferer opened up completely. I was the first person he had told about his child...

I recently ended up in conflict with a close ptsd friend. I noticed that there was a huge rubber band effect with us. We would share something and then all of a sudden everything was too much. It is not easy. I wish we hadn't become that close. We both have ptsd. We both had similar traumas, but it is like real life present day stuff was just as much a problem as the past traumas. When she set her needed boundaries on me, I went into a bad relive of my rape and emotionally abusive boyfriend. I felt like my voice was taken away. Maybe your boundaries linked to his trauma in a way that you and maybe even he doesn't understand?

He may have stopped talking about trauma in the relationship because he needs space from it. That is best dealt with a therapist, not you. You can be intimate by talking about your hopes and dreams. Too much trauma talk could land you in a codependent relationship which isn't healthy. He doesn't need you to "save him." He has to do that.

I recommend you both see a therapist to help better understand relationships with ptsd people. They are not easy!

 

[Balu]

yes, we’re both in therapy, trying to learn and deal. I’m also aware that trauma talk isn’t necessarily a good thing. I wouldn’t want to save him or help him with that info anyway. It’s hard though, when it feels like you’ve lost someone’s confidence. Everything is a minefild then and you’re completely at the others mercy. His trauma is a large part of his life, and even though I don’t need to know the nitty gritty, I miss those times when he shared a thought or insight, we had good and interesting talks about them, and we bonded. Now I don’t even know what is going on. It just hurts.

 

[Ini]

Trauma talk is destabilizing. If a sufferer is really out of control with behavior, I do not want them to be sharing to process trauma for their sake and mine.

Talking about trauma shouldn't be the only intimacy glue that holds you both together.

Now is a time you get to work on building intimacy over other things. What are other subjects that you and him have in common interest in?

 

[Rovivo]

IT is hard to say what to do. I told my wife first about what happened to me. She was insisting on knowing why I was waking up in for panic scaring the shit out of her as well as the dogs. I didn't know what was waking me up I had no memory of the nightmare. She couldn't let it go and I don't blame her. How would you handle someone waking up screaming and jumping out of bed and the collapse exhausted. I told her about some of the sexual abuse that had happened. She took the day of work and took me to her friend that was a trauma therapist. She talk to us for a while and told us she was to close to us to work with me. She believed there was a lot more going on there that had not come out yet. That I needed to go to my doctor and get a referral for psychiatric care. This was also when I became a no tough person and intimacy had been almost none existent for a while before that. My wife and I tried very hard to work this out. It ended with me leaving thinking I was going away to die. That was over 17 years ago I still have the same problems. I am dealing with myself and that is about all I can really handle. I know now that what I told her was not what was waking me up in panic. It was a sudden impact of a motor cycle accident.
I guess you never know what to do to help. I think therapy for both people involved as it is to big for just one person the try to take on. I wish you lot of good luck I hope you find the help you need.

 

[Rovivo]

my wife also could not respect the boundaries I set up. I needed to isolate so I could think she would come and find me where ever I was we were on a farms so lots of places to hide. As she continued to find me I moved further away until one day I left and never went back. She replaced me with in a month so there you go.

 

[Hakijab]

How long have you been with him?

Is he in treatment?

 

[Balu]

To clarify, I don’t need him to share the nitty of his trauma in any shape or form. What i need him to do is at least say something makes him uncomfortable or that he has an off day or anything to just keep me somewhat in the loop and show me he trusts me enough to open up at least that much. How can I share any other sort of intimacy with someone when I don’t even have a grasp on where they’re at emotionally and psychological? That makes no sense to me.

We’ve been together over 2 years and he’s been in therapy off and on.

 

[Emavu]

How can I share any other sort of intimacy with someone when I don’t even have a grasp on where they’re at emotionally and psychological? That makes no sense to me.

To those that do not struggle with ptsd you are right it makes no sense. I don't talk to people about me and PTSD anymore except here and one other site I go to and at my doctors office. I found the more I tried to talk to people the more they moved away from me. When people ask how are you or how was your day they need to be prepared for what is coming. I have not found many that were. I think people ask that question but they really don't want the truth.

My wife would come home from work everyday and find me and ask me the same question. How was your day? A perfectly normal question. I answered that question only once and it brought her to tears. as it has me now. She cried for hours. Then she came home and asked me that same question. Now tell me how would you answer that question I couldn't any more and the more she would ask the further I would go until I didn't go back. I am sorry if this is not what you want to here but that is how it went for me. I need space to try and slow my brain down so that I could think and could not get it till I went and lived in the mountains for a couple of years.

 

[anonymous]

my wife also could not respect the boundaries I set up. I needed to isolate so I could think she would come and find me...

Did you really want her to leave, or just give you space? Were you hoping she would wait for you?
Just wondering because my SO and I go though an almost yeasrly cycle of moving out/in