He Hasn't Been Convicted, So I'm Labeled A Liar

[awen-cara]

:hello:

Hi I'm new and quite nervous. I hope the content of my introduction is appropriate and will apologise in advance if I've offended or upset anyone. I don't want to start off on the wrong foot so hope what is placed here is acceptable and not a case of too much too soon or even worse better left unsaid (too personal??!!!)

I had been diagnosed with PTSD in Jan 08, five years after being raped by a 'friend' of mine.

I had a breakdown at the beginning of 2009, I'm off work on sick because I can not control my emotions. I'm about to loose my job, as I'm unfit for work

I still live in the same community and see 'him' regularly. He hadn't been convicted, so I've been labeled a liar.

I'm constantly living in fear looking over my shoulder so I'm forever on edge. I suffer bouts of agoraphobia AND claustrophobia. As these are complete opposites I find them hard to deal with.:mad:

I'm unable to build relationships due to lack of trust. I constantly have flashbacks and cannot sleep. I don't feel safe jump at the slightest thing. I think about the rape constantly and I'm plagued with different scenarios and the need for revenge, tormented by what ifs and maybes. If only things had worked out differently.

I'm left with anger that he had been made untouchable by the law and frustration I'm unable to move on, that I'm still making him the focus of my existence and I really don't want him to be,

I feel that my PTSD had manifested due to being let down by the law and being too trusting I'm determined not to let that happen ever again
I'm left with guilt as my daughter as bared the brunt of my anxiety and panic and constant mood swings, on top of which she also heard him admit he raped me when I had a screaming match with him after he drunkenly turned up at mine. Ive been physically and verbally attacked in the street and see no way forward'

I've started REBT (CBT) and psychotherapy to deal with my emotions but not entirely convinced this is the way forward, but it has got to be better than not receiving help since the rape in 2003 hasn't it. :wall:

I'm going to end there for now

A-C

 

[BethRSA]

Hi a-c! Welcome to the forum!:hello:

I'm so sorry that you were raped by a 'friend' and that he's still around your same town. Then, being frustrated by 'the system' that didn't do anything to him while branding you the liar. Many of us here understand your feelings. We've been through it and are getting better slowly bit by bit.

You've come to a GREAT place and are getting help. That's good.:thumbs-up

Please feel free to read our stories, questions, concerns, etc. As you feel safe, speak, vent, laugh and cry with us.

We're here to help as we walk this road together.
Beth

 

[pebbels]

Hello A-C:hello:
How horrible for you and to keep seeing the so called friend and the fact that justice hasn't served you well, i can only imagine what that would be like but their are people here who have experianced the very same who will be able to help you through this.

You have found a great place to release and share and take small steps all in your time and at your own pace.:smile:

Wishing you all the best:Hug_emoticon:

Pebs

 

[tryintobreathe]

Hello A-C....I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you. I'm still pretty new here, but you have found a great place.

Jen

 

[Grama-Herc]

A-C

Just a short welcome to our little corner of the world where no one is judged or harrassed or called names and everyone understands

Welcome :hello:

 

[amethist]

Hi awen-cara

Welcome to the forum

You have found a safe place to ask for as much help, advice and support whenever you need it.

Take as much time as you need for everything, there is no rush.

Good luck as you grow in confidence to be here.

Amethist

 

[This Ends Now]

Welcome

Arwen-Cara,

Welcome to the forum! :hello:

This is a safe place to work out your feelings. We are happy to have you here and will never berate you for sharing your experiences.

I can understand your feelings about the legal system. I am not to fond of the way the laws are structured either. :mad:

I look forward to hearing more about your progress. :Hug_emoticon:

Liz H.

 

[scaridycat]

Welcome, Arwen Cara. My rape happened where I could not report it, so I feel for your sense of unfairness, but your situation about having him around is worse. Revenge, even decades later, is still on my list of wannas. I can relate to that for sure. No matter what he gets away with, please concentrate on healing yourself. You deserve freedom more than he deserves anything at all. You are the one we care about. Not him. Hugs 2 u

 

[Manic11]

A-C,

Good for you for posting this! I know how much courage it takes! You should be proud of yourself!
I have been through very similar events so I do understand. Please know that you are not alone.
Thank you for sharing this with us. :smile:

Manic

 

[blufox]

Hi A-C,
I can't imagine how frightening it must be to still have your attacker walking around. Worse still, in a way is the injustice of you being branded a liar. I'll pray for you; if you don't believe in God, you can think of it as my way of saying I wish you peace over this horrible event. I wish could give you a hug or something more than words-- everyone here cares, remember that.
--blufox

 

[blackemerald1]

Hello and again welcome to the Forum. No you are not a liar despite the rapist avoiding conviction. Being found “not guilty” definitely does not infer “found innocent”, nor that you lied. I think people get this mixed up a lot. Not guilty is a legal outcome. Being innocent is a personal ideal. And being branded a liar is purely personal insult. There are many reasons why a conviction is not made and a huge amount have nothing to do with you, the rape, or the perpetrator.

People think they will get Justice from court proceedings. Well, the legal system is a cold and hard instrument and if you look at the statue of Justice, notice she is blind. Well, there is a legal concept in that which I will not bore you with. But, every night, on the television I see devastated families and victims leaving Courts having had their trials go wrong, defendants walk free for technical or legal reasons. And a brutal person who has committed a heinous crime walks free leaving a trail of devastation behind. Are you part of a Victim Support Group? Maybe, its something you can try.

So, in your pursuit of Justice, quietly remind yourself, though it is not your fault, there will be no Justice for his crime through the law unless highly unusual circumstances occur.

Justice has many manifestations and though you found no Justice from the law, here is a saying that I hope will give you some respite.

“Time is on the side of the oppressed today, it's against the oppressor. Truth is on the side of the oppressed today, it's against the oppressor. You don't need anything else.” (Malcolm X Speaks, 1965.)

Essentially it is saying that you need to hold onto the truth, as painful as it is, and hold your head high and live out your life with dignity. The truth is the truth and is all you must believe in.- Whereas, the rapist has a lifetime of ducking and weaving and living his lies.

Well to me, despite the pain you feel, far better to be the truthful person. But, of course along with the truth comes the pain of seeing him around and your feelings and it is those feelings and PTSD that have brought you to this forum. Read and try the suggestions given. Not all of them will be right for you now, but some will be, so try to practice them.

Labels are for boxes and inanimate objects, they are cruel and unkind when plastered on a person. I think you must hang on tight and I think that your relationships with people who are doing the labelling might need to be reviewed.

I have had to do that, as well as losing friends because nobody took me seriously, and when it did get serious, it was too late. So reject the notion of labelling and those that have labelled you a liar too, they have taken their ‘side’, in my opinion, no point in trying to convince people who are hurting you and who are not trustworthy.

You have such a huge journey to undertake but you have survived a rape, undergone a very intrusive legal process and kept parenting a child all along too, that is a tremendous thing to do all on its own. So you have shown you are very brave and strong.

Having been diagnosed with PTSD, please you must keep looking after yourself. There are a myriad of things that will calm the anxiety, a good counsellor and a doctor who can assist with medications if you feel you cannot cope with the things you must do in your daily life, like caring for your child, are sensible options to look at.

Losing your job is really hard. I lost mine too through PTSD. And I am sure there are many members in this forum who also lost their jobs and are unable to work. It is something you can talk about in the forum too. It’s a big thing, losing your job.

Living in a town, I know a lot about, every gritty thing is everyone else’s business and it is so hard to be stared at or, backs turned because you dared to try and bring this criminal to Justice. It’s like living in a fish bowl. Anything you say gets doubted, passed on or twisted.

But, you can voice your fears and feelings here. You will also always find compassion and kindness and there is a lot of reading for you to do if you can on this Forum. Yes, getting help as you outlined is a start, and a good start after such a long time from the crime. Be patient with yourself, you mentioned this kind of obsessing thing and revenge. You are not alone, but hopefully this may eventually soften away as you learn to cope with your PTSD, put a voice to it in your counselling and start to rebuild a better life for yourself.

Hopefully you will do more than survive, you will again thrive, because you are now looking for answers and support. Just be kind to yourself there will be good days, and there will be bad ones. Make sure, if you can, you have a good group of supporters to help, and I hope you will go well.
Kind regards
blackemerald1

 

[ISupportHer]

Sometimes I do not know exactly what to say. I do, however, just want you to know I believe you.