Sexual Assault He Is Going Out With Someone I Know.

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

I'm not sure where to start.

I saw a picture of him (the person who raped me) on Facebook I haven't seen or heard anything about him in 8 years. It turns out he is going out with one of my Facebook friends, as soon as I saw the picture I blocked her and any friends we have in common then deactivated my Facebook for while.
Do I have a duty to tell her what he is? What if he hurts her and I say nothing. I don't think I can say anything to her the only people that know what happened are my partner and my ex psychologist. It was never reported my family don't even know I have ptsd.

It was a horrible shock seeing him in the picture he looks different but I still knew without a doubt it was him. He is all happy and I'm here in a ptsd forum at 4.30am. Yet another sleepless night don't worry when I do sleep I'll dream of you violating me in the worst possible way. When I'm awake I'm afraid of all men even my partner my friends are potential rapist in my eyes.

Wtf am I supposed to do. I would want to know if I was going out with a rapist. I would expect someone to tell me if they knew. I honestly don't think I can or even should she probably won't believe me.

 

[Justmehere]

I would report what he did to the police and let them take care of it from there. That's all you can do to protect future victims.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Do I have a duty to tell her what he is?

I am sorry for your pain and I too have been raped so I offer this from my take.

When we in the USA report things to the police and go to trial, it is on the record. It is hard, it is overwhelming and sometimes we may not win...I did not win a case. But it was on file & assisted the next poor woman down the road. If that legal step is not taken, then at times...it can become libel or defamation of character when posted should we 'inform' others out of our sense of fear & duty.

So please ask this question to the therapist, someone with legal expertise in your country and consider that rapist do not play fair and you may be pulled into the trauma again without proper counsel. Many of us have sadly had to watch "others" with our perpetrators and have felt your emotions. There is not one answer that fits all situations.

However, you are here and can heal among us, one choice at a time. :hug: Peace and prayers for your decision + path.

 

[Prickly Daze]

When I was raped, he and I shared many of the same friends. I was shamed from telling anyone what happened except a small few who were with me when I reported. The administration (my rape occurred in a university dorm) told him to block me on facebook and not to speak to me anymore. I think I didn't delete or block him because I wanted to monitor any predatory behavior he might express toward other people I cared for. I sat on my secret for months until guilt of what might happen if no one knew how monstrous he was and how he didn't listen to no. So I told them and blocked them. Later, I heard a lot of apologist sayings sent in my direction, which I chaulk up to their ignorance and inability to recognize their victim blaming.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

No way in hell am I reporting it to the police. I can't. I know people who have gone down that road the police don't believe you other people don't believe. Labeled as a liar, slut, drunk. I can't do it it think I've suffered enough.

Why is it as a victim our duty to protect others when the system can't even protect us from itself. Maybe he shouldn't rape it's not my responsibility to stop him from anything. He shouldn't rape.

It was 9 years ago there is no evidence it's my word against his with a conviction rate of 3% in the UK what's the point of putting myself through that.

Tbh I was thinking more along the lines of an email or better yet an anonymous letter to her.

No flipping way I'm going to the police. I was once assaulted on public transport when the police questioned me they pulled me away from my partner and friends and started acting like it was my fault. They kept saying you know it's a serious offence to falsely accuse some one of sexual assualt over and over. I was in tears and they were just like it's his word against yours are you sure you don't want to drop it. (The CCTV was broken) they all but said we don't believe you asking if I was flirting with him if I was drunk which no and no but what does it matter if I was does that mean it's ok. I know what the police and justice system are like in this country and I'm sorry but I have to think of my own health and I can't go through that. I just can't.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I have no idea what the reporting system is like in the UK, but in the US you can report to social services and not have to deal with the police. This is what I did. I reported only to give myself a voice I couldn't say any identifying details in therapy without my therapist shushing me as if I said anything that could identify her, my therapist was mandated to report. I had been silent my whole life, so this was a big reason why I decided to report. The other part of reporting was so that if anyone else came forward that there would already be a report on file. This was as much as I could do to help anyone else.

Again, I have no idea what the reporting system is like in the UK, but I just want to say that for anyone else who may read this, that in the US, "reporting" does not necessarily mean filing a police report.

ETA

Given what you've said in your last post, I advise against saying something to his new woman. I don't think you could handle it if she turned on you and attacked you. This is a VERY likely scenario, especially if she is head over heels for him. She probably thinks he's the bees knees at this point and will tell you "he wouldn't ever do anything like that!" (because people are just plain stupid and think that bad people are bad 100% of the time, but hey that's another rant for another thread). He may tell her a bunch of BS like you were an ex and are just jealous. I know you want to help this woman, but at the same time, I think your own personal health is of utmost importance.

I'd say do it anonymously, but again, if she talks to this guy about it then he may be able to identify that it was you who sent that letter and then you'd still have a ton of drama to deal with. Again, your health is most important. I hate to say "be selfish" but in this sort of case, you could end up re-triggered and knowing how bad I've been when at my worst, I say whole heartedly, don't do it.

 

[Justmehere]

It is completely your choice to reported to the police or anyone at all or not.

it's not my responsibility to stop him from anything.

You are completely right on this. And I don't think you're going to be able to stop him by talking to his new girlfriend. You are likely to be seen as an ex-girlfriend with an ax to grind. You can't protect her. You can try sending her a letter, even a anonymous one - but I would be very careful about doing this if you do and I would consider talking to the people at a raps crisis center to help figure out next steps - like this place here: http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/

In the US, my local rape crisis center helped me realize my own similar fears to your were really normal and they helped me a lot. They did not pressure me into any options but supported my choices and helped me deal with the fear that my own rapist would hurt again.

 

[Rumors]

Not to mention the legal liability of accusing him without any written account or filed reports. If he had an axe to grind, he could seek legal council to recover "damages" that he incurred. Trust me, I am not saying that is right, but in the US you can file anything in our court system to obtain money and a judge will hear the case. He could claim you are lying and you damaged his business reputation resulting in a loss of wages. I wish your system were geared more towards the victim instead of the perpetrator and you were able to file a report with the police. I am really sorry...that has to suck!

 

[Deleted member 20280]

I am a UK male child Rape victim. I reported him to the Police a few years ago.

The police were in fact very very supportive in my case, it was the CPS who refused to prosecute. I also at the time worked for the Police so I can assure you that whether a prosecution is taken out or not by the CPS, once a report of serious sexual assault or in fact full Rape is received by the Police there is a duty placed on them to keep that report on file now (unlike before as outlined in the Huntley case). This file keeps the named offender on notice that any potential future reports will re-activate and bring that previous report to life, ensuring that situations as outlined in the Huntley case are not repeated.

I respect your decision at this time not to report this matter but would urge you to make enquiries and re-consider that decision.

If I can offer any help at all, however minor please just ask.

:hug:s

Laurie

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I am so sorry the police treated you that way. I can very well imagine not wanting to report to them again. But know that those rotten apples do not represent the entire police system. You deserve to be heard and taken seriously.

However, you are absolutely right that you are in no way responsible for that monster's actions. The only one accountable for the rapes he has committed and might commit in the future is him. Nobody else.

I would suggest reporting him to the police if you think it could be helpful to you. As for the facebook friend, a heartfelt anonymous letter might be a good idea. Just be careful with what you say; make sure it is very clear that you are trying to protect her, not to hurt him. So that if someone finds out you sent the letter, there's nothing in there that can be used against you.

The decision is up to you. Reaching out to her is admirable, but you do not owe it to anyone.

 

[Seagreen]

I agree with what others have said. Look after yourself. You've already been through so much and seeing his face must have been such a shock alone. You said you would want to know if you were dating a rapist. I would want to know too but on the other hand would never blame a victim for not warning me. If something terrible did happen the only person I would hold accountable would be the rapist.

 

[Anarchy]

@Laurie has experience of the inner workings. I'm pleased that in his instance the system did work.

Like you, I have huge scepticism of the institution of the state sector police, and the system of incentives which the institution operates under. Fortunately there are almost always some good individuals, even in the worst of institutions.

From what I understand, if you manage to make a statement, perhaps with the help of say a rape charity or survivor advocacy group, it will show up if he ever applies to work with vulnerable people, such as children, foster or adopt children etc. He'll never find out why - he'll just be turned down.