He Just Showed Up

[Sideways]

Shows up with his family? You've posted about how easily you feel guilty elsewhere, so if this family situation is a real possibility, it's one that you might want to be ready for, because family are the worst for guilt trips, and it's so important that your decisions around this guy aren't made because of the guilt.

So if he did bring his mum and show up, know in advance what you'll say. Keep it simple: "You should have emailed first like I asked, because bubs and I are just taking a nap..."

With guys like this, absolutely minimal communication is best. Done let him get a foothold. But if guilt is an ongoing issue, particularly with people other than him like his family? Maybe have a few BS one-liners ready to fall back on, that all communicate "You can't come in".

For your own sanity, try and remind yourself that this risk is for a finite period. You and bubs are leaving the country, tickets ready, no stopping you now. Things are in motion that will get the 2 of you permanently away from him - try and focus on that, because you're counting down to the finish line now.

 

[shimmerz]

But all I can do at this point is turn my phone off and try to ignore him

Thanks Casey, that is really helpful.

I think you have the answer right here. Keep reaching out to the forum as well if anything seems 'odd'. It takes a village right?

Keep up the great work, and keep fighting the good fight! You have this honey!

 

[Casey_03]

@Friday Oh, I know, I agree with you, he really hasn't demonstrated love or affection. I just say it that way because if this goes to court, I think that's a strong argument -- he's withholding from the baby to try to leverage me. He's using the baby as a pawn. It's sick. (I actually responded to his threat by spelling it out that way in an email - "You are withholding love and affection from _____ to try to leverage me." I wanted it on the record, documented) But I do realize he really isn't offering love or affection here.

 

[Gs172003]

Yeah, I agree with you, and he totally is trying to play the victim in all of this. I've already sent...

Get this all done through the system so he can't just show up at random. Have it all in writing so you know when he has a right to and when he doesn't. Chances are if he knows court is involved, or child support, he'll back off.

 

[Gs172003]

If he's not on the birth certificate, there hadn't been a DNA test done, he has no legal right to that baby. Sorry dude.

 

[Casey_03]

Right, but he can still use all of this against me later if he seeks visitation rights. It's not that hard to get a court order for a paternity test. That's why I find it so difficult in these situations .... I have to be mindful of not only what's best for the baby, but also what the situation will look like later in court. So frustrating.

 

[scout86]

He can try to use whatever he wants to in court, but I'm thinking once you're back in the States "court" isn't likely to happen. And he probably knows that. Right now, he's not the baby's parent, he's an ex bf who's harassing you. He has no legal rights. He needs to go to court (somewhere) to get any rights. For now, you're a concerned mother protecting your child from a potential kidnapper. If there's no safe place to meet and no third party you trust to be there? Too bad for him, no meeting. Sorry he's doing this, but you're almost out of there, hang on.

 

[Gs172003]

Right, but he can still use all of this against me later if he seeks visitation rights. It's not that...

No. He can't. He to this day hasn't bothered to show paternity yet he's.trying to get visitation? He has no proof of anything. It's he said she said. He's had since birth to do all this and hasn't. It's obvious he's playing games.

 

[Casey_03]

I know he's playing games; I agree with you. But he can definitely try to use this against me in court later. That doesn't mean it will work, but it's making my life hell in the meantime. He already basically told me that he's going to claim I blocked access and try to use that in court, claiming I'm unstable and blocking him out of my own personall vendetta. He can absolutely, positively, use that argument in court. There is no doubt about that. Again, that doesn't mean it will work, but he can use it to put me under unnecessary scrutiny. And that is what makes me freak out in these situations.

 

[shimmerz]

He already basically told me that he's going to claim I blocked access and try to use that in court, claiming I'm unstable and blocking him out of my own personall vendetta.

Do you have any prior documentation where he denies being the babies father and the responsibilities that come with that? If so, I don't think you need to worry about blocking and it coming back to you in court.

 

[Casey_03]

No, he never really denied being the father. I think he did once, very early on, but I don't have that documented. It was on that stupid app. That's the problem, he's been pretty clever about what he says in conversations that can be documented. He now has documentation of him asking to be put on the birth certificate, so he's already laid the framework for the argument that he wanted to play a role and be involved but I wouldn't let him ... I've countered by basically saying I expect some steps to be taken from him before I let him be involved. I just worry cause he's got a lot of money for lawyers, and I don't

 

[Gs172003]

No, he never really denied being the father. I think he did once, very early on, but I don't have that...

He still has no legal right to show up at your house demanding to see your child.