He Just Showed Up

[Casey_03]

I can't stop shaking and I feel like I'm going to vomit. My baby's father just showed up with no warning. My phone rang and it was a local number. I assumed it was about something I'd ordered yesterday so I answered it, and it was him, asking if he could come over. He gave me no warning at all and just showed up here. This is really disturbing and I'm freaking out.

 

[Casey_03]

How the hell do I handle this? I am shaking uncontrollably and can't breathe, all because I heard his voice. And yet I will feel guilty if I don't let him see the baby.

 

[shimmerz]

Has he taken responsibility for the baby? Helped you at all? Supported you both and made sure you are safe?

If not, there is not a thing to feel guilty about.

Your job is to keep your baby safe and secure. If this guy hasn't been helping you do that - and is screwing you up, it is your job to keep him away from you both so that you can continue to focus on keeping your baby safe and secure.

You owe him dick squat.

 

[Casey_03]

No, he hasn't done a damn thing. He gave no warning whatsoever that he was coming and just expected to be able to come over without any agreement being made beforehand. He didn't even inform me he would be in the country. Which made his phone call so much worse for me, it was literally a punch in the gut and I still can barely breathe. I imagine that if I just showed up in his country without giving any warning and called him, he'd be accusing me of harassment and threatening to get a restraining order. And yet he thinks he can just show up here with no notice and be let into my home?!

 

[shimmerz]

I imagine that if I just showed up in his country without giving any warning and called him, he'd be accusing me of harassment

Good. Then he will completely understand when you do the same to him.

 

[Ronin]

And yet I will feel guilty if I don't let him see the baby.

You and your son need and deserve safety. He is not safe. He has no right to demand a thing, and there is nothing to feel guilty about. The contrary, you are a good mother and protector.

 

[Casey_03]

God, I wish I hadn't answered the phone

 

[Casey_03]

I just worry he's going to use this to claim I am maliciously blocking him from his son. I know how he'll handle this -- he'll accuse me of playing mindgames by ignoring his calls or turning off my phone (which are my two options at this point), then say I'm deliberately blocking him from his son for my own personal reasons. And I'll get so frustrated with his absurd allegations that I'll end up looking genuinely crazy.

 

[Casey_03]

Or, if I simply tell him he can't come over because he didn't give me any warning, he'll say, "Oh, what is it that you're hiding in that apartment that you don't want me to see? Seems like a dangerous environment for a baby."

(He already used that line once before when he came to visit and I told him I didn't want him in my house)

 

[shimmerz]

The thing is, now that your son is born, you can start documenting. And this is actually a good one for your case.

It is a given that children need structure. I think if you stick to a 'We need to have an agreement and terms and conditions within that agreement that assure me that our son is safe' - then there will be no issue in the future. Any parent who is acting in the best interests of their child does NOT blindside the other parent.

These types of guys are great at playing the 'poor me' role. There is absolutely nothing poor about him. He is a manipulator and he is screwing with both of you.

No proper agreement? Get away from us both until that is sorted out.

How does that seem to you Casey?

 

[Casey_03]

Yeah, I agree with you, and he totally is trying to play the victim in all of this. I've already sent him an email saying "Was there some reason you couldn't give me warning that you were coming to town?" -- Just so I have it documented that he blindsided me. Though he can always deny it. He's calling me from a burner phone, basically, and I don't think there's any way I can prove he showed up like this. But at least I'll have the email.

I do think he is intentionally doing this in an attempt to throw me off and make me unstable. It's not an innocent visit. But I guarantee you that whatever reason I give him for him not being able to come over, he'll spin it and make it look like he's a victim and I'm some scorned, angry woman. The funny thing is, I really do have a busy schedule today and have to clean before the landlord comes over. And I don't want this guy in my house. He told me after his first visit that he only came "to figure out a way" to take the baby from me. i took that to mean he could possibly plant something in my apartment. And I wouldn't put it past him to try to install some sort of spy devices in here.

 

[Ronin]

then say I'm deliberately blocking him from his son for my own personal reasons.

No, the contrary - you point out how hugely self centred jerk he is, interrupting you taking care of your son (and making sure the baby is not disturbed by phones, or scared, everyone knows how easily made cry kids can be - it does not matter if your baby is one of those never cries ones, you can always claim a concern for the eventuality, actual happenings are nobody's business.)